How To Live On $0 A Day: Shoplifting Hints
Shoplifting isn't for everyone. If you're young and not white, it's probably risky, as you're already under suspicion. But if you're white, not talking to yourself, semi-respectable looking and over 40 (especially a female), nobody will be paying attention to you anyway. The world is your goodie bag.
As someone who has accidentally shoplifted several hats simply because she forgot to take them off before leaving the store, my first bit of advice is, to put whatever it is you're shoplifting on your head. Nobody will notice. Even with the price tag hanging out and the anti-theft alarm blaring (especially if you're a woman over 40).
Like any endeavor (and misdemeanor), you want to maximize your earnings. So be thoughtful in your shoplifting choices. Instead of shoplifting the generic brand of ibuprofen, always go for the most expensive brand name possible. Or say you need some aromatheraputic essential oils to help you with your depression. Instead of shoplifting the $3.49 citrus oil, go for the $34 ylang ylang. They both elevate your mood, but the ylang-ylang also elevates your theoretical earnings. In other words, shoplifting is no time to think about being frugal.
Choose your target. Don't shoplift from the mom and pop stores. They haven't ruined your life. Stick to companies listed on the DJIA. I find that righteous rage is essential to a successful shoplifting outing.
Try to avoid anything with the big plastic anti-theft tags attached as they're impossible to remove without tearing the garment. If you get home and realize that the garment you stole has an unsightly tag on it, do not try to remove it. Get that old Bedazzler out and decorate it. People will think it's a fashion statement and may even ask where you got it. I've gotten so many compliments on my bedazzled anti-theft devices, I've considered starting a business.
Keep it casual. It's always best to shoplift right under their noses. Try to act a little spacey and distracted. Better yet, be spacey and distracted. Pay absolutely no attention to what you're doing. Focus only on the products. If something catches your eye, pick it up. Since you're so distracted, it wouldn't be the least surprising if you absently put the Pixie lip plump gloss #48 into your purse or jacket pocket. Who could blame you? Certainly not the security guard who's flirting with a cashier.
The "duh maneuver" is one of my favorite shoplifting techniques. If you're actually buying a few things, put the most expensive, largest item, under your arm or in your hand in plain sight. Proceed through check out as if you don't know it's there. Nine out of ten times, the cashier won't notice. In one instance, I got away with a 15lb. bag of cat litter under my arm. And while that crystal cat litter can really add up, I still regret not going for the Toshiba 39" flat screen. Maybe next time.
Shoplifting is illegal. You could get caught. But even getting busted has its advantages. You get a nice frisking and if you're found guilty, free room and board.
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How'd you get buttonholed on the "Comedy" page?
This is front page useful stuff! Urban survival at its best!
Thank you, Mnemanth. I buttonholed myself. Figured I'd be taken more seriously in Comedy. Isn't that where all the important news is coming from these days?
Very true. America's comics see that the USA & the world is far beyond fubar. They report the truth. The MSM can't deal with this situation. Jon & Steve report the truth on the Comedy Channel.
One thing you neglected to mention: While a woman over 40 is invisible and therefore not a suspect, a woman over 65 of any color is watched like a hawk in most stores. Apparently, we do a lot of shoplifting. Alas, when the security guard informed me of this, it was too late.
I'm sorry to hear that. On the bright side, I hear that some jails have nicer facilities than many retirement communities.
I take exception to this kind of thinking, young lady, because it's Un-American. Why? Because it's too small, and too real. Physically taking real items from a store? That's just plain wrong. With just a TINY bit of effort, you can get almost anything you want without resorting to petty theft. What's the secret? BULLSH*T. With credit to the late, great George Carlin for stating it most clearly, America runs on B.S.. If, for instance, you tell people (well, not people...the media) that you are a numerologist who has insight on the length of the Recession (i.e. my last comment to your Blog post) and you get your face and name out there, people will immediately believe you and send money for your 'special gift'.
Your problem, Lesley, is that you are actually trying to HELP people. People don't want that--they want to believe in Fairy Tales. So there is your choice--be good and stay poor, or embrace the BULLSH*T and BE RICH! It's the American Way!
That's exactly what Cartman said on SouthPark the other night!
Whaddaya mean? Cartman said exactly what I said?
I"LL SUE!! THE PRODUCTION COMPANY, THE NETWORK, and THE FCC!
(this is another great variant in the American B.S. Playbook--Lawsuits!)
I'm sure I will be using this advice. But right now I need cold hard cash to pay some bills and maybe treat myself to a latte. Do you have any advice on how to shoplift some cash? Or at the very least a latte. No, wait...make that a machiato grande.
Shoplifting from banks is called Robbery and holds a heavier penalty than your run of the mill shoplifting. It's not really fair, since they've been legally "shoplifting" from us for years.
The machiatto is easier (I'm glad you upgraded from a mere latte, it shows you're paying attention). Just hang out where the barista puts the drinks out to be picked up, take the one of your choice and run like hell. Good luck!
A cautionary note to your male readers: experience has taught me NOT to walk past the grocery check-out stand with anything larger than a 10 oz. can of soup stuffed down the front of my pants.
Thanks for the male perspective. I didn't know that. As a woman over 40, I can stuff the 24 oz cans down my pants and nobody will look twice. Come to think of it, they don't even look once.
When a nice frisking is in order, try hiding a little something special and walk in and out of airport security. Dreamy.
Dang, what airport do you frequent? I've been entirely dissatisfied by the friskings I've been getting lately.
I've never ever shoplifted anything at all; I feel like an underachiever.
Awww, don't feel bad. I'm sure you have many admirable achievements. In fact, if you haven't shoplifted yet, I'm willing to bet you have a job. At this point, that's rarer than having shoplifting abilities. Kudos!
Um, yeah, I suspect it is.
However, I LOVE the Bedazzler idea! Those nasty tags are so ugly! Great tip!!!
Thanks elbzee. Those tags have annoyed me for years. I can't tell you how many teeth I've broken trying to pry those suckers lose. So glad I didn't sell my bedazzler on ebay!
Is this some kind of joke? I don't get it.
I ask myself the same question every time I read the economic and political news.
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