How to Live on $0 A Day: Taking Your Life Back From Creditors

Say you've been paying citibank/chase/amex/bofa $700.00 a month for the past eight years. Despite the fact that you've charged nothing on the card since 1999 and have paid them over twice the original debt, your balance has essentially remained the same.

Say you wake up one morning and decide that in keeping with the new austerity, you're going to stop wasting your entire unemployment check on the mindless hedonistic pleasure of protecting your precious credit rating (like it's not shot already). This month, you're going to try eating, and maybe splurge on something crazy like health insurance. So you stop paying your credit card bills.

Now they're calling you eight to ten times a day and you're cowering in the corner every time the phone rings because you know they'll threaten to ruin your life by denying you the dream of home ownership and deeper debt. It'll go on your record forgodsakes. You'll be a pariah. Probably even in the afterlife. You're doomed.

Okay....take a deep breath. Take a moment to appreciate the irony. Your caller is probably on their third bailout with 33% of the money you made when you were making money and you're begging them not to ruin YOUR credit rating? Time for an attitude re-adjustment.

While your predators may appear bigger and stronger with their fancy phone banks in Asia to torment you, their position is as precarious as yours. Sure, you may feel like the hunted, but what's really going on is a waiting game -- who will go down first, you or them?

So next time they call, answer the phone. While you're on hold, use the time to brace yourself with steely reminders that you're the boss, not them. Try to ignore the fact that they've got you listening to "I will survive" on muzak even though they called you.

Keep a clear head. When a human finally comes on, remember they're just doing their job. They have a college degree and the only reason they're working at a phone bank harassing people is to earn enough money to avoid being harassed themselves.

Once they've listed your payment options, politely but firmly tell them you're giving them one last chance to make you a fair offer. Otherwise, they won't get a cent and you'll be referring the case to the Attorney General and Department of Thrift. Suggest that if citibank/chase/amex/bofa has been banking on you paying them 10 grand a year for the rest of your life only to pass on the same debt you started with to your successors, maybe you can get a package deal on chapter 11 lawyers.

Keep repeating this to the 29 people you get transferred to (think of it as an audio tour of Asia). After several hours and dozens of repetitions, you'll finally get someone who will put your ever growing interest rate, penalties and phone calls on hold while they delve into your history and try to find a resolution.

That gives you a couple of days to cash in your remaining assets, acquire a new identity, and get out of town.

Comments

[spencer212]

Back when I had money (I think the first George Bush was president) the post office put out a series of dinosaur stamps, you know, a brontosaurus eating palm fronds, a T-rex baring his teeth, that sort of thing. I reserved these for my credit card bills, ConEd, the phone company, big stupid, heartless institutions basically. Next to the stamp, with a little arrow pointing to it, I would write "Get it?" or "Look familiar?" or "Kinda like looking in the mirror, huh?" I liked to think that, while they weren't going to turn down my money, somewhere at Amex somebody was pausing over the envelope, frowning, and saying "Oh, so we're dinosaurs, are we?" then mumbling "Bastard!" as they tossed my check into a pile. I knew it wasn't true, I knew no human would even touch my check (I'm sure they had machines for that). But, maybe, just maybe. It made me feel good anyway. I haven't found any stamps that give me that sort of satisfaction since. I wish I could stick something on those envelopes containing my tiny, just barely the minimum checks that would make someone at the credit card company pause and say "Bastard!"

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

Good news! The post office is coming out with a new line of predator stamps soon.

[ResoluteBob]

Oh, I dunno--your criticism of the Credit Card Companies might be a little unfair. After all, if you choose the right company, you get great perks. All I had to do was to put $130,000.00 on my Credit Card, and they sent me a free, imitation-leather covered, bronze finished, European-styled, Combination Laser Wart Zapper and Earwax Removal Tool!

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

That's so typical of those credit card companies! When I charged $50,000, I got a magnifying mirror which just made me want to rush out and charge another $130,000. to get the wart zapper.

[pbnguru]

I have trick you might try. When they say, "Could i get you to commit to paying off this balance today...", you reply: Why, I would love to have that free trial for HBO, I'm glad you asked!"

This gets you at the very least, a worthy pause.

No matter what they say next, you just repeat it back to them but switch one word.

e.g. "I'm sorry sir, this is your credit card company...."

and you say:

"I'm sorry sir, this is your playing card company...."

I think your imaginations can take it from here....

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaa!

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

I have a similar trick. I sob uncontrollably.

[ricchase]

12 years ago, I shredded all my credit cards. I have never been happier, more secure or slept better. It is a myth that one MUST have plastic!

[Lesley Stern - Huffpost Blogger]

OMG. If everyone shredded their credit cards, the whole pharmaceutical system would collapse!