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Leslie Goldman

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Why I Broke Down in Front of 500 Sorority Girls

Posted: 07/18/2012 6:15 pm

Last week, I had the chance to relive my sorority days just a wee bit when the women of Delta Phi Epsilon invited me to keynote their annual conference in Miami. The speech I prepared was a confidence-themed talk in which I deftly managed to use Sex and the City as a metaphor for life. I won't reveal all my secrets here, but let's just say I successfully equated Samantha's first HIV test with my decision to withdraw my med school applications and become a writer. (The link? Both were about facing your fears.) I was also thrilled to highlight the line, "Jesus honey! Wax much?"on a giant AV screen during my PowerPoint presentation, and apologized in advance if I attempted to sniff any of the audience member's heads or nuzzle any of the necks, as this was my first trip away from my 5-month-old daughter, Evie. (As an aside, I was able to smuggle 60 ounces of breast milk through security without so much as a raised eyebrow... although a man standing at the Starbucks condiment counter holding an empty silver canister of 2% did cast quite the longing glance my way.)

After the keynote, I hosted a body image breakout session. Now, I've given this particular talk dozens of times, in front of audiences as daunting as 2,500 and as intimate as a few dozen. I always begin it by showing the Dove "Onslaught" video -- in it, the camera focuses on an innocent little redhead, her self-esteem not yet mangled by mainstream media. Then, the screen fills with a series of rapid-fire images of women as we are portrayed everywhere we look: Half-naked women dancing in music videos, women having their breasts sliced open for implants, women worshipping the scale, women on TV promising this cream will make us younger/firmer/prettier/thinner, women purging into toilets... you get the drift. (I encourage you to watch it right now, even if you've already seen it. Actually, I wish I had viewed it once again before screening it; you'll know why in a moment.)

So I clicked on the link and the video started rolling. And as I stood behind the podium, my eyes began to well up and my throat started to constrict as I watched, this being the first time I've seen the video as a mother of a little girl. The thought of Eve hating herself, of her comparing her body to anyone else's and thinking, "I'm not good enough," the thought of her dieting or sticking her finger down her throat or swallowing an appetite suppressant? It's heartbreaking. Watching the video in that moment crystallized it all for me. Unfortunately, the crystallization was happening in a room full of strangers. Before I could fully realize how quickly my emotions were going to rush out of me, the 1:19 video was over and I was completely overcome. I stood there, barely shielded by the microphone, full-out sobbing into my hands and I struggled to eek out, "I am so sorry," but I couldn't even speak. The meltdown felt like it lasted an hour, but I know it was just 20 seconds or so, and ultimately I regained my composure and went on to tell the group of my own story of hating my body and dieting and sticking my finger down my throat. It's only now that I realize the pain and heartbreak my own unhappiness brought upon my parents, and for that, I am truly sorry.

After my talk, two young women approached me. One was a model, tall and lanky with strikingly big eyes and a pillowy pout. Not even a senior yet, she has been featured on the cover of major women's magazines -- they very ones I write for.

She was crying.

Her mother, she told me, criticizes her for her weight. "She tells me I'm blowing up," she revealed. I Googled her stats online: She's 5'9", a size four. 32-24-34.

Isn't your mother the one who is supposed to constantly champion you? To encourage you and promise you that you are beautiful, inside and out, no matter what? Maybe I was just fortunate to have that type of experience -- my mom never, ever made a cruel comment to me about my body or looks. Sure, she forced me to change a questionable outfit or two, but it was never done in a way to make me feel ashamed or embarrassed about my physique.

And so:

Evie, I will never criticize your body for the way it looks.

I will never call you fat (or "skinny," or any other weight-based label) and I will never stand for others doing so, either.

I will never ask you to go on a diet.

I will not allow a scale to pollute where we live.

I will do my absolute best to model healthy behaviors in our home, like playing outside, cooking wholesome, yummy foods, keeping misogynist shows off the TV and cancelling that damn lingerie catalog that arrives, week after week, making me -- someone who flat-out knows the airbrushed images are practically cartoons -- feel like crap. Still, I know that even these efforts cannot innoculate you.

I will not allow you to feel less-than -- not on my watch. And if (and when... I know it is when, not if) you do, I will do my best to help you work through it, to show you the true beauty and exquisiteness I see within you when I gaze at you in your crib at night.

I will back you up as you pursue your passions.

I will compliment you on your strength, your smarts and your kind gestures.

I will fight and claw to give you every possible opportunity to love and embrace yourself, inside and out, so you don't wind up saddled with the same sort of awful body image issues I, for whatever reasons, wound up with.

I will do my absolute best to ensure that when you look into my eyes, you see the reverence and adoration and acceptance I have for you as your own person reflected back.

Evie, I promise to forever be your champion.

[And to the people at Dove... I'm sending you this month's therapy bill!]

Parents, what body image promises are you making to your daughters and sons?

 
 
 

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03:48 PM on 07/25/2012
Beautiful. Not only the message on body image, but that new mama place where everything is fresh and raw and intense. Our messages to our children, the messages all adults hand to the children in their lives, are important.
06:43 PM on 07/22/2012
This should have been a lesson tied into hazing and the consequences on self-esteem. I find this article ironic. -once a sorority sister.
04:21 PM on 07/19/2012
This is a tough one. As a mom of young elementary aged kids, I worry a lot about making sure I send the right message to the kids about eating/health/fitness, etc. There a lot of overweight children these days. I want them to be careful about what they put in their mouths so I do spend a lot of time explaining why I don't want them to eat specific foods. My five year old knows to ask if there are trans-fat in a food she is being served. In California alone, there are some towns that have a 50% childhood obesity problem. So, I think it is important to teach children to eat healthy and make sure they know that if they don't - how it could adversely impact them. I can't promise not to talk about body image with my kids because its so hard for many children (these days) to stay thin. I want to give them the resources to make the right decisions. I blame this completely on the food that is in the market these days. Trans fat everywhere and processed carbs. I think if you NEVER talk about food, etc, you could send your kids down the opposite path then what you fear. (I hope this makes sense.) The bottom line: Its hard to be a mother these days.
05:48 PM on 07/19/2012
Nutrition is important, as long as you focus on health and not weight. Puberty does strange things, and even kids who are very healthy can gain a lot of weight as they develop. Keep the focus on health and what makes their bodies feel good instead of what makes them look good.
06:45 PM on 07/19/2012
What you eat and what you feed them may be as important as what you say? I am not sure, but it might be.
12:24 PM on 07/19/2012
Thank you so much for speaking to my sorority. It was such an inspiration. Since I gained more weight due to a medical condition my parents been on my case. They pick at every little flaw and keep my "skinny" pictures around to "remind me" (they are not so small them selves). There are few days I dont think about my body size, but most often I do which gets me depressed and out comes Ben & Jerry. I struggle everyday to find clothes not only that fit but flatter my body type. Plus size clothing is not easy to find nor are they fashionable. It has been a tough road since my diagnosis because I can no longer do runway shows or pagaents which were something I loved (and my mother would not even dream of letting me enter now) and my father constantly reminds me that he doubts I can make it up and down a basketball court without dying (after all I did play for 2 years on a NCAA championship team). These little things have made it hard to like myself, but after listening to you I remember the things you say and it makes my day much better.
06:48 PM on 07/19/2012
Me, can't help. But! Group support with shared objectives and shared processes to reach these objectives. That is a way to consider.
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Leslie Goldman
11:39 PM on 07/19/2012
Thanks for your reply, Munchkin! I'm so sad to hear that your parents are lobbing insults at you. Please remember, it's not necessarily about you - they likely have their own issues (particularly insecurity over being overweight themselves) and are taking it out on you. Stay strong and think of all the wonderful qualities you have (from this tiny post alone, I can tell you are smart, thoughtful, compassionate and athletic.) I'm thrilled my talk touched you in some way. Good luck with the medical issue!
10:57 AM on 07/19/2012
Leslie, as a DPhiE sister and mother of a 5 year old, I love that you shared this moment with my sisters and that motherhood has brought an incredibly nuanced appreciation of your own message! Kudos for you and thank you for being there and supporting at least a few of my young sisters willing to open up to you. DPhiE was the first organization to champion eating disorders when we initially partnered with ANAD in the 1980's. I love that body image, eating disorders and dysmorphia are no longer shrouded completely in darkness.

Thank you for sharing your story with our members and in this blog. Best wishes and I know Evie will be a strong, confident, happy young woman due to your support and active involvement!
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Leslie Goldman
11:40 PM on 07/19/2012
Thanks so much, Denise!! ANAD is a fantastic org...what a great philanthropy to partner with.
10:44 AM on 07/19/2012
This is a great piece. Interesting, though, to read it a day or so after reading in the NYT article about what college students go through to get into sororities. Appearance (weight, hair, clothing) is a huge factor - it's not about who the girls are, but how they look and whether that look fits the image of the sorority. Maybe something worth talking about the next time you address your sorority sisters.
http://www.theblunderyears.com
10:41 AM on 07/19/2012
Leslie, joining that very sorority you spoke to was what saved me from depression and bad self esteem, utimately enabaling me to be the strong, professional, happy woman that I am today. Sororities get a bad rap, but Delta Phi Epsilon is an amazing organization, and it's so nice to hear that future generations of girls are getting the same support and love that I did, and I am inspired by your dedication to your daughter. Sometimes, all it takes is one person to change your life. Thank you!!
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Leslie Goldman
11:40 PM on 07/19/2012
Love it! So thrilled you found each other!
09:44 AM on 07/19/2012
So what if your 12 year old daughter starts binging on junk food at parties, refuses to eat vegetables or exercise and constantly breaks out with acne? Or she gets a rack of crooked teeth? do you ignore these issues, refuse to address them, refuse to take her to the doctor's office or dentist?

I would say that would be a poor parent.

You need to be honost with your kids if you want to gain their respect and influence. Sure, it's one thing to hound your kid for every piece of chocolate they eat, it's another to discuss the reality of their appearance in a thoughfull manner without reducing their self image. Almost impossible to do with teenage girls, but there is a balance. Good luck!
01:29 PM on 07/19/2012
Honesty doesn't mean teaching your child that the size of her thighs is the main thing that matters, and that she shouldn't love herself unless she's within the "normal" range of size/shape and the accepted version of beauty.

If you are a parent and you live "honestly" you are providing your child with healthy options, you are modeling good behaviors in managing your weight, your health, your anger/aggression. You provide the child with the tools and the ability to make good, sound decisions....telling "sandy" that she shouldn't have a piece of chocolate b/c she's never going to fit into her booty shorts is a far cry from providing "sandy" with a bowl of grapes for a snack and asking her to take a walk and talk with you.....
08:45 AM on 07/19/2012
So to the mother of Evie, kudos to you for taking this on and spreading the message...to sorority girls! I would add another reason for getting a grip on body image...as I look around at the relationships of my friends, I see insecure women in middle age in relationships where they are still having to play games, do more, fight for respect...great men don't go for self-haters, and even good men learn to disrespect someone who disrespects herself all the time.
08:45 AM on 07/19/2012
Ok. Wow for the mean comments here. Why don't you folks get a life? This writer is actually taking her message to people who need to hear it, instead of preaching to the choir.

So anyway, I think this article is brilliant because it gets right to the point about body image...it is first and foremost formed within your home, overwhelmingly by seeing oneself reflected in the eyes of our parents. Yes, media is horrible, but if there are women's mags lying around, that's mom's doing. If there is porn all over, blame dad (and mom). If there are diet foods, subtle digs, modeling self-loathing and obsession with looks, check the parents. It takes a lot to counteract outside influences, and it's not easy to do without withdrawing into some kind of hippie or religious cult. But I see parents give in too easily to the worst cultural pressures and norms about beauty.

Even worse, when you have daughters, it brings up things you haven't dealt with in yourself. Think you're ok with your body? When your 6 year old says something about her thighs that sounds just like the thing you said last week it's clear that your demons are passed on.
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Gurus4You
Don't be Republican or Democrat, be Objective!
07:27 AM on 07/19/2012
Fathers also have a roll to play in ensuring their daughters know they're beautiful and develop high self-esteem. I tell my 7 year old daughter that she's amazing and beautiful every day - and I 100% mean it!
01:31 PM on 07/19/2012
Kudos!! and you are so right...fathers do have a role to play...they set the bar for any other masculine person in a girl's life!
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Leslie Goldman
11:41 PM on 07/19/2012
You rock, Guru.
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Gurus4You
Don't be Republican or Democrat, be Objective!
12:53 AM on 07/20/2012
Thanks for a great article that everyone should read.
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davidprosser
05:21 AM on 07/19/2012
Ultimately we are speaking about the influence of the environment. This needs to be explained: "The environment" is all that influences a person. So, advertisements, parents, friends, teachers, those on the street, etc. Basically, everything that is not genetic, is an environmental influence (and many within various fields of science state that this influence trumps the influence of genes substantially).

So what can be done? A troubling example: Those who trespass the laws of society, "the criminals," are also victims of such environmental influence. And how do we seek to correct this problem? We take criminals, from an already poor environment, and place them into an even worse environment: The prison atmosphere (in order to punish and "rehabilitate").

So of course there are low rehabilitation rates for prisoners, because the environmental influence is corrupted beyond belief (by design). So, in relation to women, and stereotypes, etc. what is to be done?

The only answer can come through education. Ultimately what is physical beauty? It is superficial and it fades. So what can a woman take pride in? In internal characteristics, in seeking to start a family, in being beneficial to society, etc.

Another key: Women, whether they like it or not, desire something and men chase after it. This is a great deal of power to wield! So, this is also a pivotal issue for women, to desire that which best benefits society--because men will chase after, as they always have, that which women desire.
03:13 AM on 07/19/2012
Thank you for this article. Through the years I have always felt not good/ thin/ pretty/ etc enough.
Now that My thirties are behind me, I am less worried or concerned about all those perceived issues. But I must say, it is really hard at times mainly because beauty ( as imagined by society ) is advertised and displayed all over. That is why your article was a booster in having the " guts " to go aginst the norm...
Biggi
www.simplyburgenland.blogsot.com
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gabbagabbawill
02:54 AM on 07/19/2012
Sorority girls. 'Nuff said.
11:02 AM on 07/19/2012
What? Are sorority girls the only people who experience eating disorders? Are they the only ones who engage in risky behavior to try to conform to an unnatural "norm" that's held in high esteem? It's doubtful, since approximately 24 MILLION people in the US of all genders and ages, suffer from eating disorders. It's easy to label someone simply by their affiliation with a philanthropic values based organization i suppose.
11:47 AM on 07/19/2012
Obviously you don't know much about sororities. I am a sister of Delta Phi Epsilon and one of our philanthropies is ANAD-to fight against eating disorders. I cannot be prouder to be a Deepher!!
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gabbagabbawill
03:43 AM on 08/04/2012
Good for you, but I'd be willing to bet you are most likely in the minority.
01:39 AM on 07/19/2012
Whoa, you almost lost me with all the talk of Sex and the City and sorority sisters ;-). I plan to teach my children that our bodies are what allow us to see and hear beautiful things, run, dance, experience pleasure, and any number of functional things. That they are to be valued for the way they work for us, not for the way they look. That they need to be kept healthy (by eating nutritious foods and being active) so that we can feel strong and vital, and so we're able to do all the things we want to do.