I Wanna Sue Victoria's Secret, Too!

So, 52-year-old Macrida Patterson was innocently shopping at a Victoria's Secret in May of last year when BAM!ZOOM!BOP! a decorative metallic piece dislodged from the low-rise v-string, smacking her in the eye.

Now, she is suing. The thong has allegedly damaged her cornea.

All jokes about 52-year-olds in thongs causing eye damage aside, I can't help but yearn for some sort of a class action lawsuit. Victoria's Secret has been torturing me for years. Every time one of those freaking airbrushed, glossy, toned-to-the-hilt-body-filled catalogues lands in my mailbox (which is approximately every other day), I want to cry. Why must Adriana Lima taunt me with her bedroom eyes and total lack of cellulite? And Heidi with her tennis ball-sized tush and long, flowing mane. Admittedly, I've never been hit in the cornea with a piece of VS-brand metal, but what of the years of endless emotional torture and trauma bestowed upon me by those angels in their gigantic feathered wings?

If the following criteria apply to you, you may also be eligible to hop on board Patterson's lawsuit. Have you:

1) Ever wanted to stuff a VS catalogue in a blender and shred all that photoshopped perfection to tiny little bits?

2) Ever been driven batshit insane by the VS "Santa Baby" jingle?

3) Ever succumbed to the siren song of a VS teeny string thong, only to wash it once and have it turn into a curly-cued ball of shredded elastic?

4) Ever been kicked off line because the VS fashion show crashed your computer?

5) Ever felt short and fat because pictures like this make it seem as if your torso should comprise approximately 50% of your height and hideous shoes like this convince you that, good taste be damned, you need ankle-strap, zebra-print stilettos to look hot?

6) Ever accidentally wandered into a VS store only to find the place mysteriously transported to a neon sex palace, complete with costumes like Sexy Airplane Attendant (Last year's "Come Fly With Me" outfit featured miniature versions of what flight attendants wore in the 1960s and 1970s - complete with wings and a blue satin cap)?

7) Ever sought permanent birth control because the thought of raising a little girl who will one day buy underwear that has phrases like "I've been bad, Meow!" or "Dangerous Territory Ahead" printed on the crotch?

Sign on below.

Comments

[prcleburne]

I just noticed that there's a Victoria's Secret ad at the bottom of these comments. Hilarious.

[CaveatMagnusFrater]

There is no such thing a s bad publicity.

[prcleburne]

I love women with some meat on their bones. It just means there's more to love.

P.S My favorite characterization of thongs is that of " Anal Floss."

[sophieozz]

I can solve your problem in three easy steps: Remove yourself from their mailing list. Don't go into VS stores. Take on worthier topics.

[RobinSeattle]

What is your problem? You getting mad at Victoria's Secret is akin to me smashing my tv set during NFL football games because I don't have the body of Terrell Owens.

So your options are to either accept responsibility for the condition of your body and do something about it or know that not all clothes, even underwear, are right for all women. Many women have trouble finding stuff that fits or flatters them exactly right, but to me, they often look absolutely yummy in the buff, which is where it counts.

As someone who likes some hips on my girl, I want to tell women that there are all kinds of beauty, not just what you see in the fashion magazines (most of those women have the personalities of saltine crackers anyway and are good only for one thing, which doesn;t involve the desire to keep them around long after you're done with them). So relax. Stop being so competitive. It only makes you look bitter and irrational, which isn't attractive.

[hopeless277]

Every time I order one of them thar gals in the magazine, all I get in the mail is a little bitty oil rag. What's the deal????