04/09/2008 02:32 pm ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

Which Is The Breast Bra?

The last time I perused Consumer Reports was in 1998, while researching a post-graduation car (shiny red Cougar, still kickin' it a decade later). Well, times have changed and CR apparently has lots more to offer than family sedans and tips on purchasing space heaters.

The upcoming issue is all Girls Gone Wild, exploring the seedy underbelly of the bra world. They've compared three nationally available over-the-shoulder-boulder-holders -- all seamless, lightly padded and underwire -- in three wildly different price points. (I'd like to think they had me specifically in mind, as the test size was 34B.) Said brassieres were then put through a series of Rube Goldberg-like tests - multiple hand-washings, close inspection by bra-obsessed lingerie experts and excursions on various women who rated each model on comfort.

The question on everyone's lips? What does that Brazillian freak Gisele really look like sans airbrushing? Which bra will treat your breasts best?

Read on to find out...

La Perla Vintage, $127

What, doesn't everyone drop Benjamins for a pair of cups and some straps? Haven't you ever watched Sex & The City? Or even I Love New York, Part 2? La Perla is essential for properly showcasing your cleavage to its full advantage, thereby snagging you a rich mate and eternal happiness.

Or, it'll break on you after three hand-washings.

Thats what the folks at CR found: Quality materials, yes, but they didn't hold up after a few cleansings.

Victoria's Secret Ipex demi, $45

"Poor cut of the fabric on sides made it pucker, and the straps curled in the was," says the report.

"Eh nuh, duhhh!" says me.

I have a love-hate relationship with Vicky because I adore her cozy sweaters and pajamas that come in Tall, but everytime I buy a thong (and by "buy," I mean race over to the store the second a Free Panty card arrives in the mail to paw through their Hope Chests, praying for a Large) it goes beserk the second I wash it, coiling up like a curly fry.

Gilligan & O'Malley padded demi, $11

Much like Two Buck Chuck and Hershey's Kisses, it appears the least expensive bra is the winner The flexible, padded underwire was deemed not too ribcage-pokey and...drumroll,'s available atTar-jay! In fact, I may have inadvertently fondled one while shopping there over the weekend.

PS. Consumer Reports was inspired to conduct this hooter holder experiment because they learned that 22% of women in a new survey they conducted by the magazine said they always or often regret bra purchases. At least now we can rest assured that, for the cost of two large Frappucinos, we can hold our Super Big Gulps high and declare, "They're real...and they're fantastic."

PSP: For more boob-inspired ways to waste time at work, check out the "8 Rules of Sports Bras," courtesy of the fabulously monikered "Bra Whisperer," Susan Nethero, founder of My Intimacy Stores (thanks for the tip, Workout Mommy!) And, as previously posted here but always worth a repeat viewing, watch some tatas bounce.