Happy Birthday! You're a tricenarian! You've made it through the angst of your teens, the drunken debauchery of your twenties and now you're ready to grab this promise-filled fourth decade of your life with the gusto of someone who has a thriving 401K, and possibly a divorce under their belt.
But just because you're an "adult" now doesn't mean you can't celebrate your birthday with the same pizazz and excitement as you did when you were a kid. So, if you're a thirty-something looking to add some spice and zest to their birthday, might I suggest you try one or all of the following themed birthdays? Created just for thirty-somethings!
1. Age 32: The Sallie a-MAE-zing Party!
Congratulations! You've done it -- you've proved everyone wrong. Sure, people said you were flaky in your twenties and couldn't commit to anything. But now, they're going to have to eat their words. 'Cause here you are, ten years after college graduation, thriving in the most monogamous relationship you've ever had with your student school loan debt. And you are crushing it!
So break out the deferred payment napkins! Smash open that piñata filled with everyone's social security numbers! Get wild! You've earned it (and at a low, consolidated, fixed-interest rate).
2. Age 33: The Anno Domini Party
Holy (literally) moly! You've reached the age when Christ was crucified. It's your Christ Year. First off, can we just take a moment to recognize that you're in pretty amazing company? I mean, come on, the son of God? Yeah. How can you not celebrate?
This birthday is one of my favorites because the theme and accessory options are out-of-control. Thirsty? Stop by the Water into Wine bar for a glass of red, or maybe try out the evening's signature drink, Crown (Royal) of Thorns. It's delicious. But be careful, they sneak up on you (just like the prince of darkness).
Or maybe swing by the Last Supper buffet and then make a pit stop at the Judas Kiss-of-Death booth. Children can enjoy the Seven Horsemen of the Apocalypse pony rides down by the stable since naturally this birthday is family-friendly. The options are endless and your guests are sure to have a heavenly time (See what I did there? It just never stops.)
3. Age 35: Egg Hunt
Now, this theme isn't for everyone (sorry, gents). But for those ladies out there who are excited about the fact that their egg count is diminishing with every passing year, well, this birthday's for you!
Egg hunts aren't just for Easter anymore. You and your gal pals will have a blast running around looking for hidden eggs containing anything and everything from airplane liquor bottles to insider trading tips. Let your creativity run wild! Enjoy your special day being childless and fancy free. After all, "womb" doesn't have to be just a four letter word. It can be a birthday gift.
4. Age 37: Prime Time
The cool thing about turning 37 is that it's a prime number. And since a prime number can only be divided evenly by "1" or itself, this is the perfect birthday to spend some time alone and do all the singular things that only you understand. This birthday is a gift to yourself. Wanna pour ranch dressing directly into your mouth? Do it! Enjoy re-enacting that Buffalo Bill scene from Silence of the Lambs? Who's to judge? Here's your chance to take a moment and say, "Hey, self. Just like the delicate snowflakes that flutter to the ground, you are unique and special and I'm never going to judge you for trying on bathing suits without your underwear even though the signs in the dressing room clearly tell you not to." Party on!
5. Age 39: Glass Half-Full
Well, here you are. The last year of your thirties. It's been a good decade and there are many more to come. Yet, you find yourself solemn. Contemplative. Wondering what it's all about. Is life half over? No way, Jose! At least not for this birthday celebration. So for tonight's themed party, no one's glass is allowed to get below half-full at any point. Never! You and your friends won't have time to think about mortality or lost youth 'cause you'll be too busy saying things like, "Hey! I'm finally at a point in my life where I can afford to keep everyone's glass over half-full with top-shelf liquor* and I don't regret my life decisions!" Could you ask for a better gift than that? I didn't think so.
*Iced tea. After all, you're not 30 anymore.