THE BLOG
02/14/2013 05:20 pm ET | Updated Apr 16, 2013

The GOP's New Twist on Shock and Aww

This Week's Poll from the Lester & Charlie Institute of Forward Thinking:

Sex sells! Everyone knows that. And if a little sex sells a lot, then a lot of sex must sell more!

That's what the good people at Playtex were thinking when they unveiled their new ad campaign for sanitary wipes with slogans such as, "A clean beaver always finds more wood" and "A polished knob always gets more turns." (Really!)

Playtex knows that in America sex can sell almost anything -- even toilet paper. So the logical next question is, of course, can it sell the GOP? And recent events make it look like Republicans are desperate enough to find out.

By now, you've probably heard that House Speaker John Boehner, when questioned about immigration reform and the "pathway to citizenship," told reporters: "Slow down. Slow down. How about a little foreplay?"

We really don't want to think about foreplay and Oompa Loompas simultaneously, so instead we started thinking about this new blend of sex and politics. The foreplay comment isn't an isolated incident. Just this week, in an interview with the AP about budget negotiations, Boehner made headlines talking about his ass. (No, not Paul Ryan. His rear end.)

It seems that Republicans (bless their tiny hearts) have realized that there just aren't enough white male landowning voters any more to keep them in power. So they need a plan to get other voters -- women, Blacks, Hispanics, gays -- back in bed with them. And Boehner seems to want to do it the old fashioned way. No, not slavery. Sex! Seduction! Can't-fail-pickup lines!

Why not? They've tried everything else -- except changing their message, of course, which we all know they are genetically incapable of doing because conservatives have larger amygdalae than liberals.

Hey, if sex can sell Playtex asswipes, why can't it sell the GOP? Just try to show us an American able to resist a pickup line from a guy or gal with full health coverage and a retirement plan!

But since this is the GOP we're talking about, they might need a little help, lest they risk sounding more like Larry on "Three's Company" then Cyrano de Bergerac. So what do you think? What should the GOP use as an official pickup line to increase their base? Tell us!

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