Huffpost Comedy
THE BLOG

Featuring fresh takes and real-time analysis from HuffPost's signature lineup of contributors

Lianna Carrera Headshot

A Tale as Old as Time: The Story of a Vagina and Its Dime

Posted: Updated:
Print
 quinn.anya/Flickr
quinn.anya/Flickr

So there I stood, wet and naked... and soapy.

That's when I heard it. *Clank* *Thoomp*. I immediately recognize the noise as the sound a coin makes when it drops and lands on a wet surface. Perplexed, I look down between my ankles to see the most shiny, most unimaginable thing I have ever seen alone in the shower; a dime has mysteriously dropped onto the shower floor.

Seeing as how I am completely naked, I crinkle my face and think, "Oh my god, where did this dime come from?"

It's not that I'm neurotic... it's that I'm extremely neurotic, so when I hear the dime fall onto the shower floor, I immediately panic. What just happened? Is there a ghost in here? Did a dime just fall out of my vagina?

What you should know about me is that I'm an avid marathoner; meaning I watch marathons of CSI episodes while I drink Crystal Light from a pitcher and order Thai food for fuel (P.S. I always ask the delivery guy to come inside as I collect my money, especially if I've been watching a CSI marathon for more than six hours, just to prove to myself that I'm still in control of my life) which ultimately means that, by the grace of my late 20s, I am well versed on how to solve a mystery.

So there I am in the shower. I return to the position I was in when I heard the coin drop and spot the dime resting between my feet. I keep my head still and I slowly look left and then right, but keep my face still. See what I'm doing here? I'm focusing my face but creepily moving my eyes left and right. I'm telling the dime, through my facial expressions, that it's not going to win. I'm telling the dime that I am going to win.

My first guess, after checking my naked body for a suit jacket that I may have forgotten to take off, is that the dime came from the ceiling. As I peer upwards I desperately look for remnants of dime-shaped glue, otherwise known as polyvinyl acetate (see? smart). Could it be that someone, out of sheer boredom, snuck into my bathroom and glued a dime to the ceiling knowing that one day it would inevitably fall on a neurotic naked lesbian? Because that makes sense, right? People glue dimes to ceilings? Unfortunately, there are no traces of polyvinyl acetate (screw you guys) to be found.

Panic sets in as I accept the only solution it could be. The dime must have fallen out of my vagina. But, how did a dime get in there? Did I miss my pants pocket somehow? Like really, really miss it? That's ridiculous. I have great hand-eye coordination. I decide there's no way I accidentally put a coin in my vagina.

Okay, so if there's no way a coin charmed its way into my vagina, what could it be? That's when I realize what is absolute truth: My vagina must have the power to make money.

Water races down my naked body and around my pear-shaped stomach and down the drain, and I come to the real acceptance that my vagina has produced its first dime.

Could this be? I start to think about everything I know about vaginas. Vaginas have ovaries and, and, and, then I run out of facts. Oh my god, how could I run out of facts at a time like this?

I mean really, what do we really know about the history of vaginas, anyway? Could it be that the vagina is a money pouch and we just never thought of it that way? I've seen coin purses; they're sorta like miniature vaginas. Could the vagina be nature's coin purse? What if cavemen, instead of having bags, just put money inside vaginas and then maybe they carried the women upside down when they went from cave to cave and somehow evolution has made it so the currency has updated and it has popped out of mine. Does anyone know? We don't know. The truth is we don't know.

I'm panicking. I am the result of millions of years of evolution that no one knows anything about. At that moment, I am mortified.

And that's when it hits me. Would it be the worst thing in the world if my vagina made money? If thousands of women knew that our vaginas had the power to give birth and orgasms and then also to make dimes? Would the world be a better place? And with that I stood naked, wet and empowered.

A tale as old as time: The Story of a Vagina and its Dime.