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Lianna Carrera

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The "What Would Jesus Do" Condom

Posted: 09/20/11 07:00 PM ET

Sex Education! That's a phrase that still makes me blush when I hear it. Growing up in Christian Schools and Churches, the extent of my sex education can be summarized with the following phrase: Don't have the sex until you're married!

Being a gay gal, I was pretty pleased that I had just found a loophole in the Bible. I asked, "Since I can't get married, does that mean I can have all the sex I want?" Needless to say the answer was, "N-O!"

You see, at the age when most people start learning about sex, the Church emphasizes abstinence only education. I signed a purity pledge when I was 13 promising that I would not have sex until marriage. "Your vagina," they said, "is like a cookie. If you give parts of your cookie to everyone along the way, all you will have left to hand to your husband is a crumb." It didn't matter that my vagina wasn't actually a cookie, that's all they were going to tell me about it.

I went on to buy the T-shirt emblazoned with "True Love Waits!" and joined the "True Love Waits!" club where we learned how to, you guessed it, bake cookies.

You could always tell which girls were going to quit the club and most-likely go on to become hookers because they would sneak candy-cigarettes behind the church kitchen. And those girls, sad to say, would eventually leave the Church and listen to Hip Hop music and make-out at skating rings.

Looking back I understand fully the absurdity of a cookie symbolizing a vagina. I have to admit it was confusing/exciting for me as a budding lesbian to be exposed week after week to chocolate chip vaginas, sugar vaginas, vegan vaginas and sprinkle vaginas. It was only a matter of time before the cookies made me gay.

If you think using vagina cookies is an odd way to deter pre-marital sex, meet a controversial minister named Reverend Paul Morehead. Reverend Morehead (whose name is not ironic at all) has purportedly trademarked a "What Would Jesus Do?" condom that will have a photo of Jesus Christ emblazoned on the package, as well as features WWJD lettering on the shaft.

He preaches, "When a young man and woman give into Satan, when they strip down like animals in the wild and prepare themselves for a lusty round of heavy petting and full blown-sex; what better reminder for them to buck up than a WWJD condom with the image of our Lord and Savior right on the package?"

The Reverend disagrees with the critics who say it is sac-religious to have an image of Jesus Christ communicating through premium quality latex. Rather, he believes, it's an extremely effective way to get the message across.

According to online reports, Pastor Morehead plans to put all WWJD condom proceeds towards a home for unwed mothers. A home, he says, "that wouldn't be needed if those girls had been carrying a WWJD condom."

Incidentally, it's also a home that wouldn't be needed if they all had been cookie-eating lesbians.

Loophole!

Til' next time!

 

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