Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 2, Episode 23 of Fox's "New Girl," titled "Virgins."
Ah, "New Girl" cast. How I've missed you.
After a three week hiatus, the gang reconvenes to tell the tales of how they lost their virginity. This is prompted by Schmidt's scheduled close encounter with Elizabeth, the college girlfriend we met last episode, and Jess' unscheduled meetup with Teddy -- the guy who took her flower, who happens to be in town and texts her.
Jess, quite certain she will win the crown for worst first hookup story, starts describing her prom night. She was supposed to get it on with her Gender Equality Society co-founder, sole member and friend (they asked each other to prom and they both said yes), but the flower-embellished dress her mom sewed on her wouldn't come off and it made the poor guy so antsy she had to leave their hotel room. In the hall, she met another guy. This one played Lisa Loeb on his guitar and was dreamy in that senior-in-high-school-circa-2000 way. She did not sleep with him either though (not on prom night anyway), but he is key to further understanding the story.
Cece interrupts and recounts her story -- it was also on prom night and with none other than Mick Jagger who was in Portland on tour at the time. He picked her up at a bar and ... well, yeah. Cece definitely does not win the crown for this one.
It's Schmidt's turn, and he tells the story of his first time with Elizabeth. "It was my junior year of college," he says. "I was about 200 pounds heavier: freshman 50, plus sophomore 50, plus junior 100" and he got some lubricant for the occasion. He tried consulting with mustached Nick who clearly had no idea about sex at the time but had promised to clear up their dorm room in favor of some shrooms and a Dave Matthews concert.
The problem was, he started tripping too early and thought his hand was magnetized to the wall. So when Schmidt and Elizabeth returned to the room and started lubing each other to the sweet sounds of Boyz II Men, Nick was still there, on the bottom bunk. Schmidt of course used too much lube and slipped off the top bunk right on top of Nick, who just then managed to free himself from the wall and crawl his way out. This made for several minutes of pretty hilarious slapstick comedy, if you're into that sort of thing.
Winston's up, and he says he already knows he won't win this because his story was "beautiful." In high school, Nick's dad took Nick and Winston to New York and got them some working girls for the night -- only they were too naïve and blissfully inexperienced to know that at the time (so much so that to this day Winston believes Mysteria was a business woman with sexy dance moves). Nick got stuck with Octopussy but was too terrified to touch her so instead he lost another V card, and had his first alcoholic beverage that night.
When Nick's dad returned to the room, he found Nick hidden under the covers all alone. Nick apologized for not doing it with the prostitute and his dad told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to, but "I just want to make sure that you don't miss out on things in life that are happening when you're not thinking. Because believe you me, those are the best things in life." He also made Nick promise not to tell Winston the girls were pros until after he's dead, and as we know, he's very much dead now, so Winston is suddenly very aware of who he lost his virginity to.
Jess insists that Winston does not get to win this because her story involves murder. She tells the boys that a few years after that ill-fated prom night, when she moved to L.A. to be with Cece, they went out to some bar (Nick's current bar, naturally) and there she saw hallway guy again - the one with the guitar and the Lisa Loeb. He was living out of his car at the time and Jess was crashing at Cece's so they had to get creative: they chose a kids' playground castle instead.
They started going at it but the guy was on anti-depressants and couldn't really perform. In an attempt to get a better angle, Jess pushed him through the castle's gate and they got stuck. In the morning, the police showed up but not to free them -- apparently there was a dead man on the bench and they were witnesses to his murder. The fireman who ended up freeing Jess and carrying her in his arms was Teddy, the same guy who texted her at the beginning of the episode. Also, Lisa Loeb guy turned out to be gay.
Nick is enticed when Jess explains that Teddy won her over by being unexpected and "in the heat of the moment." When she's about to head out to meet up with him, Nick stops her and asks if Teddy is the hang back, dog-out-of-trees rescuing fireman and she tells him he's a legit walk into the blaze kind. He tells her the story of losing his virginity is kind of nice, actually, and happened on a towel in the woods and he cried. She hesitates for a moment before leaving, but heads out anyway.
As she presses the elevator button down, Nick comes and sweeps her off her feet. Literally. He takes her to the bedroom and tells her it's time not to think about it. Finally, eight episodes after their first kiss, Nick and Jess have sex. From the looks on their faces, it probably won't be the last.
"New Girl" airs Tuesdays at 9 p.m. EST on FOX.