THE BLOG
01/09/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated Nov 17, 2011

How To Fell the News Media

There is a secret weapon that could be utilized to bring down every news organization in the world. Brilliant in simplicity, relatively easy to make, and disturbingly harmless looking, I am surprised no one has tried it before. No, it isn't anthrax. It's food. Free food to be exact. And now is the perfect time to launch the attack.

Yes, yes, I know that there is no business in the world where free food is not welcomed. My husband and mother say newsrooms have nothing on teachers' lounges. My Mom remembers fondly the time that a box of chocolates stamped with the word "irregular" were devoured in less than an hour. No one asked why they were irregular -- if they were dropped on the floor, or filled with weird flavors like wasabi -- they just ate. That's a good story. However, if those chocolates had been delivered to the newsroom they would not have only been eaten, but people who didn't get any would have been pissed, and others would have been hoarding them.

Now is the high season for newsroom food. Candy, cookies, burritos, you name it. Companies or PR agencies send it, and it lands up on the counter not five feet from my desk. We call it the "trough." That is not hyperbole. When food is placed there it is a matter of seconds before it is set upon. I don't mean in a "hey, is that food" way, I mean in a "I will rip out your throat unless I get my share of that" way. If it is something palatable, like bagels or donuts, the goods last less than 2 minutes. The more questionable items, like raisin filled cookies or vegetables, may last up to 30 minutes. No matter what it is, after an hour it is consumed. The only thing I have seen last longer than that? Halloween candy I found in my basement more than a year after the fact. And that didn't last until the end of the day.

al Qaeda (or any terrorist group your choice) could take down a news room with a plate of cookies laced with poison. They could even write on the card "enjoy the poison cookies." It wouldn't matter, because people would be too busy eating the cookies. Those who did look would think it was just a funny joke, and consider blogging about it before the stomach cramps set in. The only thing the terrorist group would have to worry about is delivering all the cookies at once, so we can't warn others. That could be their downfall though, since terrorists don't seem all that organized.

You know, maybe the terrorists don't want to hit us all at once though. Maybe they are sending non-poisoned, extremely fattening food to newsrooms in order to kill the American news media slowly. We will become slower, and fatter, and uglier, and the world will have even more disdain for our country. High blood pressure, and excessive sweating will keep us from warning of problems overseas and imminent threats here. If we go to the gym? The terrorists win.

I should really contact the FBI and tell them about my theory. I just don't want them to take any pumpkin chocolate chip bread. I love that stuff.