Looking Forward and Back

On the eve of the historic debate by Democratic candidates for president of the United States before a group of gay panelists, it is hard not to look back over the decades at the battle for gay rights in America. In 1960 I helped to organize the first Gay Pride March in New York City. We were a motley and lonely little band of gays on that fateful June 28 who marched up Fifth Avenue. Our goal was to bust out of the gay ghetto of Greenwich Village by marching uptown into the more rarified air of midtown Manhattan, all the while shouting "Gay is Great, Fuck the State!" You gotta love it now! And looking back I even feel some affection for the gawkers who gazed at us open-mouthed. In those days I was employed by the Associated Press, and as we marched past Rockefeller Center I quaked at the idea some colleague would suss me out and that would be the end of my journalism career. But it didn't happen. And so I also remember the elation and the jubilation that suffused my entire being from knowing we had gone where no gay had gone before. When we finally reached Central Park I buzzed with endorphins I never knew I had; and the AP could be damned, I wouldn't have traded my sense of freedom for a byline in The New York Times.

There was no booze, there were no floats and there was no sponsorship by gay bars in that first Gay Pride March. And everyone who was there that day knew it was a march for liberation. I cannot remember one bisexual who joined us. We were on our own. And there were few of us. I could probably name at least two-thirds of those who marched. But when it was over, we were triumphant! Hoarse from screaming, sore from locking arms with friends, at the age of 20 I knew nothing in my life would ever surpass the ecstasy I felt as we trooped exhausted and sweaty into Central Park's Sheep Meadow.

After that heady day, although not for several years, I became one of those gay people who went in a direction that was the opposite of the majority of gays. I came out at 20, but as I climbed the ladder of professional and educational success, I slowly went back in the closet. This was accelerated when an adviser on my master's thesis in clinical psychology counseled me to delete any reference to the fact a lesbian client had asked me to come out so she could feel "safer." My faculty advisor actually said, "You're professional opportunities will be sorely compromised."

And after much soul-searching I did as she advised.

In less than a decade I had gone from Cornell University's first upfront lesbian professor in 1978 to a closet-seeking gay professional in 1985. And I never stopped asking my friends in those years that all-important question: once we come out, how do we stay out? None of us had the answer. We had no movement who supported those who did leap out of the closet. Because of this it was easier for people at the end of their career to finally come out, but much harder for those of us at the beginning of our professional lives.

I have thus lived both sides of the out vs. not-out gay dilemma. And pioneers pay heavily. At Cornell, after the end of my two years there, I could not honestly say that my straight colleagues ever forgot I was a lesbian. This is so hard on gays who want to live, full well-rounded lives. No one wants to be a 'professional' lesbian.

We have traveled a long way from those days. But not so far that we can serve openly in the military or it does not cause a sensation when an entertainment personality with a sitcom declares herself to be a lesbian.

So what do I want from the Democratic candidate debate in front of a gay audience, questioned by gay panelists? I want nuanced, careful, experienced and thoughtful answers. I want to hear from candidates who have given the issues long and serious thought. I want to see commitment, not glad-handing. I have worked far too long in this struggle to care much for Johnnie-come -latelys who want the endorsement of a political constituency without having paid their dues.

What I anticipate is that I will be impressed by Hillary, who I know has paid her dues to the gay community. If Edwards wants to run through more versions of his folksy, ah-shucks confusion about gay marriage, he can kiss my lesbian ass. If Obama does not address the antipathy by blacks in general towards gays in general, he will just show once again he's not up to the job. Biden I am not familar with. And the same goes for Richardson and Kucinich and the others.

I look forward to hearing them all. I also look forward to the day when this debate will be on a television network anyone can watch because people all across America will want to hear their candidates for president address the safety, health and well-being of gays. I also look forward to the day when the media will support it, not because there are potential headlines in it, but because it is the right thing to do.