Spoiler alert: Do not read on if you have not seen the season finale of "The Bachelor."

It turns out that an elephant, a joyful, loving father, an adorable weepy mother and two children who surely have Pottery Barn Kids modeling deals in the works by now turned out to...

Roughly 80 percent of "The Bachelor's" Women Tell All episode was dedicated to information we already know. But whether you're suffering through the uncomfortable rehashing of Sean letting Sarah go before the rose ceremony, or when he bowed up at the audacity of Des' brother calling him a playboy, it's...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 9 of ABC's "The Bachelor."

Within moments of the opening montage, we follow Sean randomly walking around various settings in Thailand as he ticks through the list of remaining bachelorettes. As he stands on the bow...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 8 of ABC's "The Bachelor."

Chris Harrison typically earns his paycheck by confidently stating each week that what we are about to witness is the most dramatic rose ceremony ever. I have to admit that after...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 7 of ABC's "The Bachelor."

It's episode seven and ABC has apparently been forced to cut the budget due to all the emergency vehicles that have been dispatched this season. In an unprecedented move, they allow...

I feel like it was just yesterday that I was complaining about how ABC no longer shows gratuitous shirtless scenes of Sean making out and now they have him covered in awful sweaters -- that must be the losing end of a bet. You'd think if the wardrobe department was...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 18, Episode 5 of ABC's "The Bachelor."

I've been recapping "The Bachelor" for about a decade. I've logged a ton of hours studying the "special" intricacies of this show and consider myself proficient in both the logistics needed...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 4 of "The Bachelor."

At first I was concerned I had accidentally flipped the channel to another show when the opening scenes from "The Bachelor" didn't feature Sean just finishing up his morning workout. Never fear...

Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 17, Episode 3 of "The Bachelor."

I've watched "The Bachelor" for all 17 seasons. The producers love tradition. Variations of most contestants and dates can easily be repeated year after year, and we've grown to expect and anticipate...

"The Bachelor" Recap: Week Two Soundtrack

It's only week two on "The Bachelor" and for some reason, I feel like the women have multiplied since settling into the mansion with their overstuffed suitcases, spray tan machines and teeth whitening apparatuses. I honestly do not recognize half of the...

Welcome to the premiere of "The Bachelor"! Can you believe that we are already experiencing the muscular grace of Sean Lowe as he maneuvers this amazing journey to find love? How about that opening Season 17 montage that symbolically tugs at the hearts of the viewing audience with...

What started off as a panel of fresh faces, plastered on fake smiles and a colorful display of a few random fashion choices ended in running mascara, devilish smirks and enough f-bombs to merit one, long consistent beep from the FCC. Harrison was the ringmaster and the contestants were mere...

Ah the '80s. It was a time when grown adults wore skin-tight acid washed jeans, shredded at the knee. We sprayed at least half a can of Aqua Net on our permed bangs to reach maximum height for head banging. The gloves were both fingerless and lace while the t-shirts...

I'm not going to pretend that a competition in which partners spell words from Harlequin romance novels by taking turns alternating each letter back and forth isn't somewhat difficult when you are standing before a panel of fourth grade judges. With that said, I weep for the future of this...

I've been recapping this franchise for a long, long time. Not in recent memory have I been so eager to hit the fast forward button on my DVR to see what happens next. Traditionally, I roll my eyes at the blatant disregard of my time as the contestants drone on...

In this episode, Chris Harrison reminds us that a former bachelor contestant had a foot fetish, Ed is an expert when it comes to how many participants are in a ménage à trois, Erica eats her own hair extensions, we learn Sarah has a history of getting it on in...

In this episode, Chris Harrison reminds us that a former "Bachelor" contestant has a foot fetish; Ed is an expert when it comes to how many participants are in a ménage à trois; Erica eats her own hair extensions; we learn Sarah has a history of getting it on in...

Only Chris Harrison can get away with saying, "Hop into your nut sack" with both a huge smile and twinkle in his eye on national television. With an episode that included that classy line, a drunken pool party and sounds from Ed and Jaclyn in a bunk bed that are...

At one point during the Season 3 premiere episode of ABC's "Bachelor Pad," I wondered if we should all be tested for STDs just for watching this ridiculous filthy train wreck of a show. It was manipulation on steroids. It was back stabbing at its finest. I'm quite certain that...

Note: Do note read on if you have not seen the Season 8 finale of ABC's "The Bachelorette" with Emily Maynard.

I've been recapping "The Bachelorette" since 2003 and I can say with complete certainty that this has been my favorite season. Sure, I love certain characters from episodes of...