In this episode, Chris Harrison reminds us that a former "Bachelor" contestant has a foot fetish; Ed is an expert when it comes to how many participants are in a ménage à trois; Erica eats her own hair extensions; we learn Sarah has a history of getting it on in public places; and Jamie manages to serve the ABC producers a heaping pile of pitiful with a side of crazy on a rather large sliver platter. Welcome to week four of "Bachelor Pad."
Who Said That?
Harrison channels his inner Bob Eubanks and asks some basic franchise-related questions during the "Game Show Mashup" competition. He cranks the heat up later in the round by revealing highly inappropriate responses from questionnaires that were answered while the contestants were either emotionally exhausted or physically wasted from a night of binge drinking and rose ceremony-ing.
"Who do the girls think is the most annoying girl in the house?" he asks with a gleam in his eye. (Newsflash: It's Jamie.) "Who has accomplished the least in life?" he wonders aloud. (This just in: It's Blakeley.) Jaclyn and Ed win the game and in an interesting twist, she picks him to accompany her on a date to Dodger Stadium where they hit balls, eat hot dogs and butcher the national anthem. Jaclyn is totally into Ed. Ed is totally into Ed. It's a match made in heaven.
Desperately Seeking Chris
Bless Jamie's heart. I've never been simultaneously embarrassed, sad and angry at someone. She throws herself at Chris (opting for a red string bikini instead of a beach towel this time) and gushes on and on about how she is the luckiest girl in the land that this boy is paying attention to her.
He confesses that he does not have romantic feelings about his competition partner Blakeley, and Jamie translates that fact to mean that she should be picking out china patterns and invitation fonts. A good 30 minutes of the painful two-hour show featured the pair making out in a dark room (thank you night vision goggles), complete with sub-titles of their whispered conversations. Chris notes that the only way to shut Jamie up is to stick his tongue down her throat, while she visualizes finalizing the bridesmaid gown color swatches on her Pinterest board.
Wax On. Wax Off.
Because Ed chose to accompany Jaclyn on her date, he gave up his individual date, but is extended the power to choose another dude to go in his place. He chooses his bro Chris who immediately asks Sarah to join him for the one-on-one. Blakeley has steam coming out of her ears while Jamie looks on in genuine confusion. Chris later tells Jamie that he's just being nice and she tells the camera how sweet, loyal and kind her pseudo-boyfriend is for taking another girl on a romantic date.
Sarah and Chris get in a limo that mysteriously stops at the top of a parking garage. I was afraid ABC was recreating Sarah's favorite make-out spot, before the driver burns rubber, acting like a maniac as Chris hoots and hollers, while Sarah loses her top in the chaos. After slamming into a fake wall, Jackie Chan's second cousin teaches them a little kung fu, Sarah squeezes into a catsuit and then accidentally kicks Chris in the jaw while making an action movie for ABC's YouTube channel. Tired from their day, Chris and Sarah relax in a hot tub, make out, find some robes and ask the front desk of the hotel for a room key.
Jamie thinks it's sweet that Chris doesn't want to drive home so late and is concerned for Sarah's safety. I'm concerned that Jamie was absent the day the class learned about context clues and hope that the ABC Psychotherapist is on standby when the pair return home during the group breakfast the next morning.
Pants on Fire
Jaclyn and Rachel are both safe with roses. Chris wants Blakeley gone because she is totally cramping his style and he'd rather juggle one desperate and one hot girl than having to incorporate an emotional rollercoaster in the mix too. Feeling very bold, he makes it his mission to send Blakeley home. He confides in both Kalon and Ed, who swear to his face that they will vote with him.
Unbeknownst to everyone, Kalon tells each contestant what they want to hear, lies incessantly and ends up wisely sticking with his original alliance with the Stag by voting off Jamie, which is for the best because I was beginning to weep for her consistent state of insecurity. Kalon is now untrustworthy, Ed is still shocked that people don't tell the truth and Chris has a giant bullseye on his back.
Super Dave's Kryptonite
Super Dave is the guy booted off this week. As he rolls away from "the best four weeks of his life," he begins to sob uncontrollably for a man who neither just experienced the death of a loved one or witnessed the birth of his first born. Life without daily challenges, long-stem roses and the hope of a Chris Harrison sighting is miserable. Here's hoping he still has his job at the Daily Planet.
For the full recap, visit www.ihategreenbeans.com.
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