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'Bachelor Pad' Recap: Back Stabbing In Week Three

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Only Chris Harrison can get away with saying, "Hop into your nut sack" with both a huge smile and twinkle in his eye on national television. With an episode that included that classy line, a drunken pool party and sounds from Ed and Jaclyn in a bunk bed that are typically heard on Animal Planet, I'm uncertain how ABC managed to bypass the "viewer discretion" warning at the beginning of the debauchery. It was awkward, disgusting and conducive to more than one or two eye rolls. Welcome to week three of "Bachelor Pad."

Hot Sludge Fundae
Everyone knows that the easiest way to clarify physical dominance among the group is to make all of our eager contestants wade through a vat of ice cream, slide down a ramp entirely soaked with hot fudge, crab crawl through a cloud of whipped cream and sprinkle nuts on your head before slithering into a sack and hopping to your partner. All in your string bikini of course.

It turned out that Jamie is a severe Fundae competitor and took on each obstacle with ease, giving her partner Ed a huge lead. Unfortunately, Ed's inability to walk a straight line and ringing ears due to his massive hangover prevented him from commanding the evil fudge wall. He was forced to submit to the slippery beast and didn't even finish the race, therefore securing a vote against him and Jamie. The Stag, naturally attacked the course and strived to overcome David, but the Super Fan again pulled a lucky win at the end. It was so close that the tapes had to be reviewed by official "Bachelor Pad" judges in an unmarked van down by the river.

Enchantment Under the Sea Dance
Super Fan Dave was super stoked about his photo finish win. He celebrated by wearing the girly white tank top made infamous by Ryan last season. (J. Crew must be sold out by now.) He chose Blakeley, Jamie and Erica Rose to join him at the prom. There was an actual band, balloons, a vegetable tray and from the dance moves Super Dave busted out, I'm hoping for his sake there was spiked punch ingested before the on-camera interviews.

The girls dressed up in fun outfits: Blakeley showed off her boobs, Erica chose something that resembled the fluffier parts of an ostrich and Jamie cried because she had never been to prom before. Super Dave began to crumble at the tears and offered her the rose to make it all go away. Soon after, Blakeley threatened to remove his favorite appendage if he dare give the rose to Jamie. In the end, he made Jamie his queen and shrugged off the wrath that Blakeley promised to pour on him the next rose ceremony.

Wax On. Wax Off.
Since Rachel was Super Dave's partner, she also got to choose three guys to accompany her on a date to the wax museum. She picked Mute Nick, Single Dad Tony and her crush, Stag.

They wandered from room to room, posing with Beyonce, sitting with Conan and dancing with Justin Timberlake (how cute was Stag in that moment?) They came to an area labeled "The Bachelor Experience" and were surprised to see a wax Harrison standing at a rose ceremony. After a few seconds, we learned wax Harrison is REAL Harrison -- he even looked suave covered in latex spray paint.

The group joined in the fun by waxing up, standing motionless in the room while an actor posing as a photographer tricked innocent strangers into talking smack about them. We learned that everyone loves Stag, Rachel is pretty, Nick is forgettable and one woman wonders if there's a "nicer word for pathetic" to describe Tony. Then they all came alive and the fans had that moment of awkwardness when they realized the feeble, inadequate, meek Tony has been standing there the entire time.

Rachel was quick to give Stag the rose, booting Pathetic Tony and Mute Nick to the limo before finding a nice bench behind the "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" exhibit. They confessed they are both crushing on each other and made out as fake Robert Redford looked on.

Reid vs. Ed
Ed is a drunk who thinks Reid is his buddy. Reid still harbors anger that Ed stole Jillian from him and will lie to everyone in order to vote this guy off the island. Everyone tells Ed the truth and he cries about it ... So do three other girls. The moral of the story is that Ed is immature and Reid seriously needs counseling.

In the end, Reid was voted off for being dishonest to his friends. He claimed it's only a game, but he was bitter that Ed is still there. Super Fan Donna was also voted off -- she's sad that she didn't get to hook up with anyone in the mansion and vowed that the house is going to be sorry that they did't get to see her in her bikini any more.

I'm going to scrub my brain now.

For the full recap, visit www.ihategreenbeans.com.