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'Bachelor Pad' Season 3 Premiere Recap: Nudity in Week One

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At one point during the Season 3 premiere episode of ABC's "Bachelor Pad," I wondered if we should all be tested for STDs just for watching this ridiculous filthy train wreck of a show. It was manipulation on steroids. It was back stabbing at its finest. I'm quite certain that parts of it were crawling with germs. It's the "Bachelor Pad," season three. Hop into your favorite Hazmat suit and join me as I break down the most memorable contestants, wont you?

The Stag
I will root for this guy until he finds true love. He is absolutely adorable in every way. All the girls love him and all the dudes are friends with him. As the reigning champ from last season, I'm unsure why he has returned to subject himself to such a wide plethora of communicable diseases, but I'm biting my tongue and looking forward to him and Lindzi, the horse-riding reject from Ben's season, to keep things relatively normal.

Twinergy
In an interesting twist to season three of "Bachelor Pad," Mike Fleiss has decided to add "Bachelor franchise fans" to join our "veterans" in the mansion. Twin sisters -- who look no more than 16-years-old but claim to be a very legal 22 -- actually confess that they've been watching the show FOREVER and are smitten with Our Host Chris Harrison. One can only assume that the babysitter let them stay up to watch the debauchery while the parents were celebrating date night back in the day, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing to note on national television is that one twin is labeled virtuous while the other is not. That doesn't keep them both from "pulling a Courtney" and going skinny dipping after winning the date challenge with fellow fan boy named David. Naturally, the franchise contestants hate the fans and have vowed to eliminate the Wonder Twins and their self proclaimed twinergy out the door next week when they don't have immunity.

Erica Rose
I'm convinced that her plastic surgeon father gives free nips and tucks with every season his daughter is invited to compete. Her slurred speech and watery gaze further back up my theory that she's popping various pills behind the scenes. She compares the six fans to "the help" and shuffles through the mansion making threats and promising retribution on anyone who tries to mess with her. Pulling at her hair extensions, she claims that there's only one set of twins that can stay in the game ... and they are hers. Don't do drugs kids.

Crazy Blakely
We learn that Blakely has moved from the pole to the wax station and vows that nothing will get between her and $250,000. She latches on to Chris (the guy from Emily's season who couldn't shoot a bow and arrow ... not Our Host) to be her partner and becomes extremely possessive in a relatively short amount of time, considering the current playing field. Erica should offer her some comfort in the form of a little pink pill, but Blakely would probably refuse claiming she needs to keep her head in the game. She freaks out when Jamie, the kissing instructor/lap dancer from Ben's season, sneaks off to make out with him in one of the 29 secret lairs of the mansion. Chris is stoked that two girls like him at once, Jamie bats her false eyelashes and Blakely threatens to donkey kick both of them in the throat before crying unnecessarily into the camera. Someone is over-tired.

SWAT
Picture it: This fan is a SWAT guy who chases down perpetrators in broad daylight (thank goodness the ABC cameras were there to catch it all on tape) before adjourning to his home, changing into his comfy flannel pajamas, pouring a nice glass of Merlot, lighting a million candles and settling down for a nice evening of "Bachelor" watching frivolity. Even SWAT boys have a soft side. I was disappointed that his fellow fan boy won the immunity challenge, leaving a huge bulls eye on the back of SWAT's back because I really like the fact that Harrison and the gang never knew his real name.

Ed
The Betty Ford Clinic is currently preparing a room for Ed as we speak. He didn't even make it to the ubiquitous knife against the champagne flute as Harrison called the troops to the sunken living room for a general assembly before he was naked in the pool. Oh, how I longed for the infamous green shorty shorts. It was quite embarrassing when Our Host had to retrieve him from doing hand stands in the shallow end and promise him a vodka tonic just to get him back in the group huddle. I wonder if the medicine cabinets are stocked with as much aspirin as the liquor cabinets are with various spirits. By the looks of Ed's bloodshot eyes and slow movements the next morning, I'm guessing this is going to be a long season for our resident Rico Suave.

What did you guys think Is Erica Rose a good villain? Was Reid really in to Paige? Does Rachel's nose ring hurt when she blows her nose? Will Ed stay sober long enough to play the game for real? Sound off in the comment section.