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'Bachelor Pad' Week 5 Recap: The Most Shocking Episode Ever

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I've been recapping this franchise for a long, long time. Not in recent memory have I been so eager to hit the fast forward button on my DVR to see what happens next. Traditionally, I roll my eyes at the blatant disregard of my time as the contestants drone on and on about how to play the game, the art of backstabbing and how fill-in-the-blank lied to so-and-so's face even though they are best friends. This episode turned out to be equally entertaining due to the various twists, turns and unexpected surprises. Welcome to week five of Bachelor Pad!

Shocking Moment #1: For a moment, Kalon doesn't act like a complete dill-hole.
Granted, it was just for a moment. The majority of the show, Kalon is still Mayor of Douche Town, but when he lands a one-on-one date with Lindzi, he appears to be genuinely contemplating the possibility of pursuing her romantically. There are one or two irksome comments during dinner, sure, but beggars can't be choosers. He serves up a heaping pile of compliments before they make out on the hood of the Bentley that's parked on the bridge ABC managed to shut down near downtown Los Angeles. Lindzi totally LOVES it. LA commuters do not.

Shocking Moment #2: Ed appears sober.
When Ed's not on the sauce, he's downright mean. Before the rose ceremony, Chris Harrison congratulates all of the couples who have hooked up on Bachelor Pad. I think the audience is supposed to feel some sense of validation that the show is first and foremost the red-headed stepchild of a dating show and that love is the most important factor in the general scheme of things. Right. Harrison commends Stag and Rachel for hooking up, requests a round of applause for Kalon and Lindzi's whirlwind romance and then asks Ed how he should categorize he and Jaclyn, to which Ed responds, "I didn't come here looking for a relationship. She's a great partner, but that's it." Not one to pass up turning the screws of a very awkward moment, Harrison asks Jaclyn how she feels about that statement. She does a great job of neither crying like a baby in front of the group nor punching Ed in the throat for being such a chach. Move over Kalon. There's a new Mayor in town.

Shocking Moment #3: The Hooters girl and the lumber guy
Blakeley's waitressing experience helps her carry six stacked cups and saucers on a tray without spilling to win the big group competition. She's so good at it, she's able to mentor her new partner Tony and he wins as well. They fantasize about their super secret overnight date, wondering how many helicopters and hot tubs are in their immediate future. Unfortunately, ABC is only able to secure an Airstream trailer in the general vicinity of a raccoon habitat on the outskirts of town. Blakeley confesses to Tony that she's tired of being dumped on and warns him that she's very guarded when it comes to romance. Tony breaks down the wall by turning on the local middle-of-nowhere country station and asking her to dance. The vocal stylings of The Bachelor's very own Wes Hayden fill the desert air with the hit tune (top 100 in Mexico, I'm told) "They Say Love Don't Come Easy." As I cram a pencil in my eardrum, I wonder how in the world it came to this? Someone must have sold their soul to Mike Fleiss. Please make it stop.

Shocking Moment #4: They are about to make "Bachelor Pad" history
Our host, Chris Harrison, calls an audible right before it's time to vote. This ceremony, everyone will be voting for one girl to go home. The girl with the most votes will get to choose one guy who she'll be taking home with her. Mean Chris has been moaning and complaining the entire episode about how his head is on the chopping block and it's all Kalon and Blakeley's fault. However, this gives him new hope to stay in the game. His plan is to kick Lindzi off to make Kalon miserable. The Stag's alliance decides to kick Erica off, making her think that it was Chris' plan the entire time. Everyone lies to everyone and Chris makes a bold move when he pulls Erica in to the voting room with him to prove that he is indeed voting for Linzdi and not her. The ABC intern marks August 20 down in the official show log as the day history was made. It came right after the birth of Trista and Ryan's second child and that time when Jason Mesnick threw darling Melissa Rycroft under the bus during his season's After the Final Rose with no studio audience.

Shocking Moment #5: The Stag is gone. Is there a reason for me to watch any more?
With Chris' invitation for Erica to join him in the voting room, she now knows that the Stag has been maneuvering to vote her off the island the entire time. When her name is not called at the rose ceremony, she takes exactly two seconds before she announces that Michael will no longer be participating on the Bachelor Pad. The girls cry. The boys are bummed. Michael seems appalled, but it's Rachel who gives Erica the what for. Erica ends her rant by telling Michael that the best thing that ever happened to Holly was dumping him on this show and marrying Blake last year. Even Kalon appears a little disgusted at that low blow as Michael gallantly kisses his girl and walks to his waiting limo. No more quippy remarks. No more spontaneous rhymes. No more break dancing.

I'm afraid there will be no more fun on the Bachelor Pad either. Now that Michael's gone, we have drunk Ed, manipulating Chris, luxury consultant Kalon, clueless Tony and mute Nick. So help me if Wes Hayden makes another appearance ...

For the full recap, visit www.ihategreenbeans.com.