Welcome to the premiere of "The Bachelor"! Can you believe that we are already experiencing the muscular grace of Sean Lowe as he maneuvers this amazing journey to find love? How about that opening Season 17 montage that symbolically tugs at the hearts of the viewing audience with the hope that all of us not watching the BSC championship game will remember how Sean was unlucky in love during Emily's season? I'm not sure what all was discussed during the 31 minutes we were forced to trudge down memory lane because I was distracted by the oiled up beefcake lifting weights in front of me. Seriously. I haven't seen that many gratuitous mid-section shirtless scenes since the inaugural and 2.0 seasons of Brad Womack. Sure there were a few shots of our bachelor with his niece and nephew and one random moment when he was pondering life, love and other mysteries while standing (fully clothed!?) strong and capable, ankle deep in the waves of an angry sea at sunset, but I can report that the chiseled abdominal area was showcased no more than 16 times with at least four pectoral shout outs.
What I wasn't expecting was the return of bad boy race car driver Arie to give our bachelor a few tips on his kissing technique. It was equal parts necessary, disturbing, uncomfortable and awesome.
Which leads me to the most disturbing first impression moments. Can you say awkward?
Lindsay decided that the best way to get our bachelor's attention was to borrow her cousin's wedding dress and veil, get rip-roaring drunk in the limo, stagger up to Sean as her nine foot long train drags through the freshly sprayed pavement before demanding that he kisses the bride. Even though she admitted that "she wished she was more sober" while eighth-grade dancing with our bachelor, she scored a rose.
Kelly is from Nashville. One would assume that she would be dressed in a bedazzled fringe jacket, tight jeans and a kicky pair of boots instead of a white sparkly cocktail number with Fraggle Rock feathers adorning the bottom. Keeping true to her roots, she impresses Sean with a twangy tune that uses 47 verses to rhyme Sean with lawn and nose with rose. Kelly will be singing said ballad in the veteran's pavilion in Branson, Missouri just beside the sign that bills her as "the girl who got kicked off the first round of The Bachelor" this summer. Photographs are welcome!
2-4-6-8- How Did My Arms Not Break?
Robyn admits that she is socially awkward. It has absolutely NOTHING to do with the fact that she attempted to execute a back handspring in a weighed down, rhinestoned pageant dress and bit it hard in the driveway. I may have laughed after I found out she wasn't the girl from the promo who ends up in a neck brace.
50 Shades of Drunk
Ashley has no idea why she's single. My money is on the fact that she pushes her Christian Grey fantasies on anything with a Y chromosome, but that's just a hunch. I wonder if she walks around with a neck tie permanently shoved down the deep dark crevices of her ample bosom? It was a complete shock that her drunken booty dancing didn't seal the deal with Sean.
Calling An Audible
Lesley trots up to Sean carrying a football in the coolest Heisman pose she can muster in a tight fitting electric blue frock. She convinces him to position himself as the center while she stands behind him calling random plays. As he's bent over the ball, waiting for any indication that Lesley is ready for him to hike, he soon realizes that she's just there to admire the view. Well played, Lesley. This girl will go far.
Born to Hand Jive
Daniella prefers a more juvenile approach to her first impression. She walks Sean through the intricacies of a complicated hand shake. Let the record show that she was the last limo to arrive at the mansion, which translates into about four cosmopolitans chased by three tequila shots. Due to her impaired hand/eye coordination, she and Sean rarely made a connection during the hand shake session. Ironically, some connection was eventually made because she received a rose.
And that's just a few of the awkward moments! For a full recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelor" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.