Note: Do not read on if you have not yet seen Season 18, Episode 5 of ABC's "The Bachelor."
I've been recapping "The Bachelor" for about a decade. I've logged a ton of hours studying the "special" intricacies of this show and consider myself proficient in both the logistics needed and emotions best suited for a journey to find love. After 17 seasons, patterns begin to emerge. The competitors slowly fall into their roles and "The Bachelor" archetypes are on display for the world to see and judge accordingly.
The Girl Who Flies Under the Radar
You catch a glimpse of her in the sunken living room as Chris Harrison gives the 4-1-1 on how this week's dates will work and the entire watching party whispers variations of the same inquiry: "Who's that girl?" Someone remembers she was the crazy wearing the wedding dress on Day 1 while another incorrectly convinces the group that her name is Lucy. You're glad she scored the one-on-one so you can get to know her better, but you're quickly underwhelmed by Lindsay's (thanks to ABC for the text box reminder) picnic date that garnered only eight minutes of screen time even though filming took place both on the side of a mountain and in a lodge on a bear skin rug under a very large moose head. No wonder we all asked, "Who's that girl with the rose?" during the rose ceremony. She's flying low and proud of it. You go, Lacey.
The Girl Who Will Do Anything To Impress the Boy
Competitions really bring out the best in people, don't they? What better way for Sean to find true love than for eight women to duke it out during an old fashioned lumberjack obstacle course? Winners get to hang with Sean on a rooftop somewhere drinking cocktails and wrapping themselves in fuzzy blankets. Losers have to go home and watch Tierra catch up on her correspondence. All you have to do is row a canoe 50 yards, carry some hay bales from here to there, saw a log and milk a goat. Extra points are awarded to the girl who guzzles said goat milk at the finish line. And Des is just the chugger for the job. Things we didn't need to know? It was warm. And came out of her nose. Team Red for the WIN!
The Affectionate Intoxicated Crier
Even though Team Red won the lumberjack Olympics, Sean felt bad for the Blue Team and sent Harrison to fetch them for the victory party. Our Host found them in various stages of intoxication, since each was drowning her sorrows in her respective adult beverages of choice. Clearly those on the Red Team think this move is super uncool, especially Des, who still tastes goat milk residue in her mouth. At Daniella's fifth cosmo, she and Sean have their first serious conversation. Daniella cries. Sean consoles. Daniella sticks her tongue down his throat. Sean sees something in Daniella that he hasn't before and gives her the date rose. She remembers nothing of this night.
Manipulative Victim
Paying homage to the villains before her (see Courtney, Vienna, Michelle Money), Tierra wears the Drama Queen title proudly. She steals a lumberjack shirt from the Blue Team and sneaks in to the victory party to tell Sean that she can't wait for their two-on-one date tomorrow. She waxes on about her heart and how sensitive she is before confessing to the camera that poor Jackie has no idea that she's on a date with Tierra and her future husband. She opts out of displaying crazy eyes and goes straight for the maniacal laughter. She'll go far.
The Tattler
Poor Jackie is stuck with the Manipulative Victim and never stood a chance. She further nails her coffin shut by breaking the cardinal rule: NEVER TALK ABOUT THE OTHER GIRLS BEING THERE FOR THE WRONG REASONS. Get your head in the game, Red. In contrast, when being escorted to the limo after the most awkward date ever and you have the opportunity to tell Sean the truth about the Manipulative Victim, GROW A PAIR AND TELL HIM. You're the Tattler! Tattle already! Quit speaking in code, warning Sean to guard his heart. Tell him he's on a one-way trip to Crazy Town and Tierra is the mayor.
Oblivious Bachelor
Sean keeps hearing repeatedly that Tierra is not well-liked in the house. Then he witnesses her flying off the handle at the rose ceremony. Her explanation? She's done with all the drama and the girls ganging up on her in the house. Flags. Red. Flying. Everywhere.
The Stud
Two words. Chris Harrison.
To read the entire recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC. This week, there's a special second episode airing on Tuesday, February 5 at 9 p.m. EST on ABC.
