The Bachelor is back people. Our favorite vineyard owner Ben (whom I call Groban) has traded his colorful Henley t-shirts and grey Levis for a presentable back coat, tie and long shaggy locks and he's looking for love!
Competing with 24 other girls is hard work. One must develop an iron clad first impression moment that will render Groban speechless while the rest of the nation points and laughs at their television screens.
Last night's parade of ladies willing to have Groban raise them up to more than they can be were in rare form. I've never been witness to so many gut wrenching, hide behind a couch cushion, moments of embarrassment since I've been recapping this delightful show. Of course, it was awesome.
Now You See Me, Now You Don't
I'll give this Canadian props for pulling a Bachelor first. Anna steps from the limo, seductively eyes Groban and then proceeds to pass right by him, making her way into the mansion to get her drink on. She didn't get a rose. CANUK OOT!
And They're Off!
Holly is from Kentucky. When she asks Ben what Kentucky is known for, he wisely answers, "bourbon" and shuffles her through the front door, ever-so-slightly skewing her ginormous hat in hopes that she'll get plastered and not remember the fact that she went home roseless.
Just because Erika is a law student doesn't mean that we should overrule her first impression antics. The poor thing announced to Groban that he was guilty. "Guilty of what?" he said with amazing restraint from the natural tendency to roll one's eyes when the onset of an inevitable bad joke is looming in the midst. "Guilty of being SEXY." Then she Shooter McGavin's his fake smile. Why he chose to give her a rose instead of holding her in contempt is a mystery we will never solve I'm afraid.
Crazy in the City
Jenna tried to channel Carrie Bradshaw but instead she received the most "bless her hearts" in one episode. At an unprecedented 14, the first came in her botched ice breaker.
Jenna: "I really loved what you said last season. Good things end badly."
Groban: "I think that was good things don't end unless they end badly."
After an awkward recovery, Jenna spends most of the time beating herself up over the failed delivery until she holes up in the bathroom hyperventilating over the lesbian chick not liking her. Perhaps she should blog about it. Naturally, the producers gave her immunity, flushed all her pills down the toilet and now she's back next week to bring on the cray cray!
Stop Your Wine-ing
Shira boldly proclaimed that she knew EVERYTHING about wine. Our Merlot swilling Bachelor asked her what sounded like a basic question involving the words "summer" and "variety." I can't be sure because I was too busy writing PRINCESS OF POWER down in my notes. I can, however, recall her answer after a pause that was way too long to bypass an uncomfortable moment. "Okay. I lied. I don't know anything about wine." I'm guessing the tendency to fib during first impressions is why you didn't get a rose. It's okay though. I'm sure there's a Master of the Universe back home waiting for you.
I Wanna Be a Cowboy
As a boot wearing Texan, I can't tell you how thankful I am that Lindzi didn't announce she was from the Lone Star State when she galloped up on her horse Levi. With Groban's preference to denim of the same name as her noble steed, I can see why a rose was bestowed to this Floridian.
She'll Be Coming Around the Mountain When She Comes
Amber looked pretty in a yellow dress and conducted herself in a somewhat normal manner during her 30-second introduction with our Bachelor. Instead of leaving to go inside the mansion with the other contestants, she swings around the strategically placed rose-bush and enters the shot behind Groban. The audience and the wine maker thought she was confused and lost, but we soon learn that she was just giving him a second chance to experience love at first sight. Sorry hon. He only needed one. NO ROSE.
Over the River and Through the Woods
When Nana stepped out of the limo with a broken foot and crutches, two things went through my mind.
-- Don't trip on the freshly paved asphalt driveway Nana!
-- There must be a granddaughter hiding in that stretch somewhere.
Nana's Granddaughter did receive a rose. We don't know if it was because Nana pulled at his heart-strings or if it was the Werther's Original hard candy she slipped in his pocket.
There you have it! According to the eight minute crying montage, this season should be the most exciting Bachelor ever. For a full recap, visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.