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'The Bachelor' Season 17, Episode 2 Recap: Free Falling And A Fangtastic Photo Shoot

01/15/2013 03:05 am ET | Updated Mar 16, 2013

"The Bachelor" Recap: Week Two Soundtrack

It's only week two on "The Bachelor" and for some reason, I feel like the women have multiplied since settling into the mansion with their overstuffed suitcases, spray tan machines and teeth whitening apparatuses. I honestly do not recognize half of the contestants during Chris Harrison's "Sean's taking this seriously" date card speech in the sunken living room. Perhaps it's due to the fact that most resisted shalacking on their pageant-worthy makeup in lieu of a morning mimosa?

It doesn't matter. What really matters is that Sean must get in a decent, one hour, sweaty, shirtless workout before we cut to the first commercial break. After watching him do another set of 20, it's clear why most of us are tuning in to this show.

I have to admit that the entire episode was lukewarm at best. I think Sean is a pretty normal guy which typically translates into boring. And what's the best medicine for boring? DANCE PARTY!

Free Falling -- Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Sarah hopes that Sean won't treat her differently since she only has one arm. He seems normal enough when he escorts her to the waiting helicopter, evidenced by the fact that he grabs her by the shoulder area. Later, while caressing said arm, he misses where her elbow should be and lands somewhere around her outer hip/butt region. He leaves it there as if that was his plan all along. Smooth as silk, Sean -- did Arie teach you that move?

The love birds land on a skyscraper where they are strapped into borrowed "Downton Abbey" girdles, made to wear dorky helmet cams and given the instruction to leap off the building where they will free fall for 35 floors. Please. How many times have we witnessed this date? As you may have guessed, taking the plunge is a bonding experience that gives them confidence in their budding relationship. Sean gives Sarah a rose even after her voice really dips into that weird slow talking Valley Girl accent. OMG. Totally. Whatever.

Let's Get It On -- Marvin Gaye
Nothing helps you find your mate more than a Harlequin Romance Novel cover photo shoot! Voluptuous vampires nip at Sean's neck. Cowgirls give him seductive looks from their hay bales. Those who draw the short sticks are stuck in antebellum dresses, forced to give fetching come hither looks from balconies. Ford Model Kristy pretends Sean is her love slave and commands the entire photo shoot while Tierra protests to producers that she wants to vote her off the island. Number of times Sean is shirtless or ends up shirtless = 37. Number of statement necklaces = 12.

Anything by Enya
Sweet Katie decides to leave after her Harlequin group date. Poor thing. The process is just too stressful for the yoga teacher. And her naturally curly hair just couldn't adapt to the constant presence of the pesky ocean breeze and had gone full on Afro. She never could find her inner peace. Namaste Katie.

She's a Maniac -- Hall & Oates
I know the show pegged Amanda as the crazy one and I will concede that she is being portrayed as someone who is trying to ease off the meds during her journey to find love. Amanda spends most of the cocktail party with her arms crossed, sitting on the sofa completely by herself unless drunk Daniella is quizzing her about that mythological city under water which she eventually learns is "the Hades." Oh how I weep for future generations of this great country. Regardless, if Amanda is suffering from withdrawal or tricky editing, her statement necklace and yellow Cinnabon shoulder pads do enough communicating on their own.

The Joker -- Steve Miller Band
I don't know if Sean is a midnight toker, but he right out claims to be a joker. And Chris Harrison is just ecstatic to help him pull off the ultimate prank on Des. He takes her to a fake art gallery opening, sticks her in a room and then arranges for a million dollar piece to fall and smash on the floor. The "artist" pretends to be upset for a minute before Sean comes in to let the cat out of the bag, telling her this is all a big joke. Let's call a spade a spade, it was the prank of a dorky dad or a bumbling uncle from a Nickelodeon sitcom. Sean has tried this "goofy" bit a few times now and it just doesn't translate. He's too much of a grinner. A picker. A lover. And nowhere near a sinner. Plus, I'm forever distracted by Des' striking resemblance to Joey Potter from TV's beloved '90s cult favorite "Dawson's Creek." Most of the time I hear Paula Cole's whining theme when she comes on the screen and all I can do is whine along that I don't want to wait for our lives to be over. Will it be yes? Or will it be sorry?

Next week, paramedics come in to rescue Tierra from a nasty fall down the stairs. Was she pushed? Did she trip in her five-inch beach heels? Was this a prank gone awry? Will Chris Harrison and Sean laugh and point from a secret room? What about her statement necklace? Is it okay? We'll have to tune in to see!

For the entire recap, feel free to visit www.iHateGreenBeans.com.

"The Bachelor" airs on Mondays at 8 p.m. EST on ABC.