Note: Do not read on unless you have seen Season 9, Episode 3 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."
It's Week 3 in Bachelor Nation, people. That means the emotional walls are starting to come down as the testosterone levels begin to rise. This episode features a solo date and not one, but TWO group dates that will inspire even the mellowest of men to channel the competitive spirit he either keeps conveniently tucked away behind a gentlemanly demeanor or blatantly displayed through thick necks and tribal arm band tattoos. Everyone knows that a little friendly competition never hurt anyone (pay no attention to this sentence Brooks). Clearly, there's a simple way to find out who is here for the right reasons: DODGEBALL!
Dodge, Dip, Duck, Dive and Dodge
Ten of the guys were chosen to learn the secrets of dodgeball under the tutelage of Patches O'Houlihan at a local junior high school gym. I would have thought there would be an entry-level foam ball that newbies use to practice with at first, but good old Patches went straight for ones that produce wicked burns on any exposed skin that may come in contact with a rubber ball hurling in your general direction.
Harrison arrives to break the news that the 10 guys will be split into two teams of five and will play three games of dodgeball against each other. The winning team will get extra special, very important, alone time with our bachelorette. By the way, they'll be playing in a public place (read: the field where the junior high band practices) and tons of locals have been bribed to come and act excited as if this were an Olympic trial. In keeping with my conspiracy theory that ABC has totally given up that their contestants can muster any real entertainment value, they make the dudes where shorty shorts, knee socks, headbands and red/blue tank tops with white piping around the edges.
Below the radar contestants Drew, Zack and Chris proved to be dodgeball savants. One may have assumed that Mikey T. and the Federal Prosecutor (both on team red) would have a distinct advantage, but their rumbling, tumbling size inhibited them from quickly dipping and diving. They spent most of the games shouting accusations at Villain Ben, basking in the glory of Chris Harrison's presence and shedding their tanks for an afternoon tan on the sidelines. Both insist that they are here for the right reasons and will rue the day and roll the head of anyone who is not.
Brooks also proved that he was here for the right reasons by returning to the group after spending the majority of the day in the hospital with a broken finger. He was tripping on some pretty major pain medicine that caused him to walk around holding his injured hand with the good hand, but Des loved the loopiness and quickly made out with him by the pool. However, it was the dark horse Mortgage Broker Chris who swept Des off her feet and up to the roof who scored the date rose.
We Were on a Break
Since Harrison is obviously here for the right reasons, he feels it's only necessary to interrupt Des' morning sketch time with a quick phone call to inform her that one of the suitors actually has a girlfriend and has been lying this entire time. After the producers present visual confirmation that Brian is neither Brad nor Brandon, or that dude that looks like Don Draper whose name no one seems to recall, she hops into the Bentley to confront him. Brian admits nothing. Harrison waltzes in with Stephanie ... the phantom girlfriend. Really earning his paycheck, Harrison mediates a very loud, high pitched fight between Stephanie (who is here for the right reasons), Brian and a mute Des. Stephanie is super pumped that she decided to wear her tightest pair of black leather pants because this performance is going to be PERFECT for her acting reel.
Brian is clearly "caught" and big Pauly (the same burly man who helped escort Roz from the premises during Harrisongate) helped Brian pick his belongings among the remnants of a disgusting room he shares with other filthy boys.
Worst Date Ever
#Kasey drew the traditional Week 3 one-on-one date that takes place on the side of a building. Typically, one of the two participants are deathly afraid of heights and will use this time to grow closer as a couple because of the death-defying experience they are about to have with one another. This was not the case with Hashtag and Des. This does not mean they jumped off the side with reckless abandonment. No, no. They just sort of walked around, fell down and generally hung there. Once, Des executed a 360 twirl and they both did a back flip. #hoorayforactionsequences
Dinner on the roof proved to be just as vanilla. Just as they were about to discuss how sore their cores were feeling, a random gust of wind simultaneously blew down a potted plant stand, extinguished all 284 candles (#internshoutout) and disheveled the coveted rose until it became limp bud on its silver tray. Des and Hash decide to go swimming because she's tired of her hair flying in her face. Unfortunately, the aggressive wind and the fact that this was filmed in early spring proved to be too much for the pair and numbness began to set in. Piling the beach towel on her head like a turban didn't help. Neither did Hashtag mimicking her and then going in for the most ill timed kiss in the history of this show. They gave up and went inside before their body temperature became dangerously low and the wind still refused to cooperate. #listentoMotherNaturekids
Des felt bad that her entire date was ruined by the Cheater, the lame window walk and the onset of a monsoon. Since Hash was such a great sport, she gave him a pity rose in the stairwell of the building because he was surely here for the right reasons. #gohashtag
The section of this recap is brought to you by Disney's "Lone Ranger," coming to a theater near you this July.
I have to say that this was one of my favorite group dates in a long time. Who doesn't love a cowboy, first of all, but I think what I liked most about it was that the guys seemed to genuinely get along with one another. Sure, there was a miniature Cowboy Triathlon competition that would stir the hearts of most guys with a pulse, but this group seemed to genuinely enjoy each other's company. Zak was uncomfortable with his shirt on, but that didn't stop him from popping his hip out when he shot his gun. And Dan didn't even break character as his pants split while mounting the horse. Juan Pablo delivered his entire speech to the bad guys in Spanish, and then whispered sweet Latin nothings into Des' ear as he carried her off into the sunset. To no one's surprise, he won some alone time and wisely used his popcorn as "accidental" access to Des' bosom and then took immediate action in order to retrieve a kernel from her cleavage. And she ate it up -- literally and figuratively, because they made out right after that. I'd have to say that the entire cowboy posse was here for the right reasons.
Official Villain Wardrobe
According to Mikey T., the Federal Prosecutor and most of the housemates from next week's coming attractions, Ben is NOT here for the right reasons. His girly tank top gets a pass because it has become the official wardrobe of the resident villain. #jcrewforever
What did you think? Was the cowboy date adorable? Did the right guys go home? Who is your frontrunner? Sound off in the comments.
For a full recap, visit iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.
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