Note: Do not read on unless you have seen Season 9, Episode 2 of ABC's "The Bachelorette."
I have to congratulate ABC for truly going the distance during the group date. Asking the whitest of white guys to channel their inner rap artist was pure gold. And I commend Soulja Boy (not a typo) for having the unfailing strength, unwavering ability and unending spirit to neither laugh nor cry during his mentoring sessions on how to be thug. I smell an Emmy nomination!
The theme this week was clearly all about role playing. Keeping with the gangsta theme, I've decided to celebrate using "Nuthin' But a G Thang" as my inspiration. One, two, three and to the fo'. Snoop Doggy Dogg and Dr. Dre is at the do'!
Grammar issues aside, I'm sure the good Doctor and Mr. Dogg (not a typo) are going to be pleased as punch to hear that after 20 years, I'm building bridges between rap and "The Bachelorette." Holla! #whereismysarcasticfont?
G is for Groom
Long-haired Brooks was the lucky recipient of the first date card and Des decided that the quickest way to land a man was to make him dress up like a groom as she tried on wedding gowns. Once he was properly straitjacketed in his monkey suit, they rode up to the Hollywood sign to talk about life, love and other mysteries before making out on the second "L" as the sun sets. Brooks thought this was super romantic and was equally bummed and frightened when Des insisted he help her schlep a traffic barrier that read "DO NOT ENTER" which was clearly in position to keep powder blue Bentleys from meandering down shady streets. Brooks was concerned because of the filthy graffiti everywhere and was confident that street youths would surely trade their four tires for cinder blocks. Unbeknownst to him, she had arranged for the ABC intern to string up a couple of chandeliers and an intimate table for two on a random bridge in East Compton.
Brooks opened up about his parents' divorce, cried a little bit and then thanked Des for planning such an amazing date. Des faked an alarmed look and asked if he heard anything. Concerned for his life, he hit the deck and began Army crawling back to the Bentley when Des assured him that the only danger he was in was that he might be arrested for having too much fun. That's right! Andy Grammer (not a typo) gathered his band to sing his big hit "Keep Your Head Up" and was thoughtful enough to roll out a Turkish carpet for the duo to dance on. It was appropriately awkward, but way better than being on a box as a bunch of strangers stand around you swaying to the beat as in seasons past. At least Brooks was smart enough to kiss her when they both were tired of flailing about around minute two. #rose
G is for Gangsta
Let's call a spade a spade, people. The group date was horrific. Absolutely horrific. My secret hope is that the entire hot mess was the brainchild of Chris Harrison. I like to think that he was sitting around at the last rose ceremony, Tweeting to his heart's content, when an executive producer approached him, asking if he had any ideas for the first group date.
Harrison: "Easy. Invite 14 guys to forgo their hair products, put them in embarrassing outfits that we promise are legit gangsta attire but are secretly cast off costumes from "Magic Mike," and make them rap about the most ludicrous past contestants on the show. Off the top of my head, I'd recommend the d-bag country singer, the chach who tattooed his arm, the wrestler and Mesnick because there are balconies everywhere."
Executive: "But none of us know how to rap."
Harrison: "I have Soulja on speed dial. I can have him here in 24 hours. He owes me."
Soulja and Des greeted the entourage in front of a mansion and told them that they would be making a rap video. This seemed to excite everyone. Soulja mentored four guys (Brandon, Ben, Michael and Mikey T) to be featured lyricists while the others attempted to hip hop in the background. Per Harrison's suggestion, all were dressed in items found in the local community theater costume closet. There was a dude in armor (thank you, cast off from last week!), one in a rain coat I believe, a cowboy, a little kid, the token shirtless guy and someone rockin' a t-shirt and vest -- sans pants. All learned the lyrics to a song called "Here for the Right Reason" as Des rapped in her bikini.
I will not attempt to describe how uncomfortable I was during this entire 30 minute ordeal. There were not enough couch cushions to hide behind. We got a taste of the finished product at the end of the episode as the credits rolled. I'm told that the entire video is available on ABC.com, which makes me sad for those people because you can't erase the Internet. #fingerscrossedforiTunesrelease #SARCASTICKEY
G is for Gentleman
Des' second one-on-one date was with soldier boy (not a typo) Bryden. He is still a favorite of mine, not only because want to sing "God Bless America" every time he is on the screen, but I have to admire someone who can resist the urging of other metrosexual men to NOT give in by using hair gel. STAY STRONG BRYDEN! Des picked him up for a road trip, which was great for Bryden because he'd never been to California. She took him to the beach to try (unsuccessfully) to fly a kite before writing D+B=HEART in the sand. Then they had an illegal picnic in an orange orchard before going to have dinner at a spa. Here Bryden shared that he was in a terrible car accident years ago and that his motto is to live life to the fullest because you never know when your time is up. He admitted that the military has been a way for him to hide from relationships, but he's ready to get back out there. Des was ready to get him in a hot tub so she could check out his pecs. I was hoping for a hairy chest, but no such luck. They swished about, making small talk. Des was TOTALLY giving my boy the green light and he was just not taking the bait. Finally, she told him to KISS HER ALREADY and he dove in. It was adorable. #teambryden
G is for Girl
Ben is the resident villain. I get that. He "isn't here for the right reasons" and likes to stir up trouble. Mainly by swooping in a stealing Des away from other guys. The first time he did it, he swooped in on Mikey. He'd better sleep with one eye open! The next time he did it, he swooped in on the Federal Prosecutor, which was uncool to everyone because BEN ALREADY HAD A ROSE. This floored both the Prosecutor and Mikey the Knife, which is weird because this is Season 20 of the franchise and have they never seen this show before? THIS IS HOW YOU PLAY THE GAME. Both tried to be mature about it by talking about Ben behind his back, throwing him under the bus and then airing things out in private while the other "family" guy guarded the door. I wanted someone to write about it in the Burn Book but that never happened. Neither did fetch. #needatampon?
What did you think? Was the rap video as horrible as I remember? Did the right guys go home? Is Bryden your frontrunner? Sound off in the comments section.
For a full recap, visit iHateGreenBeans.com.
"The Bachelorette" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. ET on ABC.