First, I want to thank you for your comments -- I was overwhelmed by the great response to the launch of this blog. Along with some truly wonderful stories by those of you who have experienced some form of ecstatic sex there has been a fascinating dialectic between opposite opinions and I welcome them all. I want to be clear that these ecstatic moments can also come from deep meditation or even from watching a sunset, but since my topic is about sex, that's what we'll be exploring. Anything I say is necessarily condensed; it comes from 30 years of study, experience, dialogue with experts in the field, and fascinating stories from anyone who is willing to share. Since some people questioned the existence of the cultures I mentioned, any of you who want to email me, via my website, www.goddesstherapy.com, will receive a reference list of books, starting with Harvard anthropologist Marija Gimbutas and you can look into the research on pre-patriarchal cultures.
It is true that our relationship with sexuality is complicated by everything that makes us human. We are all experts on our own experience, so in that regard, everyone who speaks for themselves is absolutely right. Since we are all influenced by culture and ours is particularly ambivalent about sex, much of our feelings about the subject get reflected in attitudes: the meaning we attach to sex. I know there are other models of sexuality and the one most prevalent in popular media is the Biological model. The attempt to reduce sex to physical and chemical components, a bit like plumbing systems, is perhaps a way to control the mystery of it all; but the mystery is what makes sex so interesting. As a colleague of mine, Dr. Leonore Tiefer said, to limit sexuality to biology makes it more like digestion than dancing. I choose dancing.
Let's start with the experience of sexual energy. You can try this exercise by yourself. It helps if you know how to do pelvic rocking. Lie down with your knees bent, feet about hip distance apart, and your low back flat on the floor (don't try this if you have back problems). As you rock your pelvis back with a slight arch, breathe in and as you tuck your pelvis, breathe out. Do this for just a few minutes and then lower your knees, straightening them to rest on the floor and continue breathing. Visualize energy moving up your spine with the in-breath and moving down the front of your body with the out breath.
When we rouse sexual energy, it is like a sleeping serpent come to life: the Kundalini. Sexuality is much more than a physical act; it is energy within our bodies. These are concepts taught in all of the esoteric traditions of sacred sexuality. How we choose to express sexuality depends on many variables and when you express this energy with a partner, the choices of expression expand exponentially. But when there is a deep connection with another, when you are truly present together, there is a creative blending of body and spirit, mind and heart. Here is where the practice of spiritual sex begins. Your heart must open, to yourself and to your partner.
Heart opening is energetic as well as psychological. You are creating a container to become conduits of loving energy. It requires partners to shift into loving the essence or the spirit of their partner, not the outer layers of everyday, ordinary life. To begin with learn to create sacred space together. Here's an exercise called Touching Hearts:
After creating a safe and beautiful setting, sit opposite your partner in chairs, on cushions, or on the floor. For a few moments you may choose to simply breathe deeply and make eye contact, or to say a few words of appreciation for your partner. Once you both feel completely relaxed, each of you will place your right hand on the other's heart, and then place your left hand over the partner's hand, closing your eyes. With relaxed breathing, focus on the warm feeling in your heart region. Imagine a warm sun, expanding to encompass your whole body and your partner's body, and the entire space around you. This will take a few moments. When you are ready, rest your hands in your lap, open your eyes and look into your partner's eyes. Repeat the following words: first one partner will say the first phrase and then the other repeats the same phrase, until all three have been spoken.
"May you be safe,"
"May you be happy,"
"May your heart be filled with joy."
After breathing deeply for a few moments, move into holding each other.
Both these exercises offer direct experiences: of sexual energy and of conscious loving. Rather than simply judging from the mind, I'd like you to try one or both and then share your experience in the comments. That's where we begin to explore the mystery together. I hope to hear from you.
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