Spiritual Sex: Begin the Practice

First, I want to thank you for your comments -- I was overwhelmed by the great response to the launch of this blog. Along with some truly wonderful stories by those of you who have experienced some form of ecstatic sex there has been a fascinating dialectic between opposite opinions and I welcome them all. I want to be clear that these ecstatic moments can also come from deep meditation or even from watching a sunset, but since my topic is about sex, that's what we'll be exploring. Anything I say is necessarily condensed; it comes from 30 years of study, experience, dialogue with experts in the field, and fascinating stories from anyone who is willing to share. Since some people questioned the existence of the cultures I mentioned, any of you who want to email me, via my website, www.goddesstherapy.com, will receive a reference list of books, starting with Harvard anthropologist Marija Gimbutas and you can look into the research on pre-patriarchal cultures.

It is true that our relationship with sexuality is complicated by everything that makes us human. We are all experts on our own experience, so in that regard, everyone who speaks for themselves is absolutely right. Since we are all influenced by culture and ours is particularly ambivalent about sex, much of our feelings about the subject get reflected in attitudes: the meaning we attach to sex. I know there are other models of sexuality and the one most prevalent in popular media is the Biological model. The attempt to reduce sex to physical and chemical components, a bit like plumbing systems, is perhaps a way to control the mystery of it all; but the mystery is what makes sex so interesting. As a colleague of mine, Dr. Leonore Tiefer said, to limit sexuality to biology makes it more like digestion than dancing. I choose dancing.

Let's start with the experience of sexual energy. You can try this exercise by yourself. It helps if you know how to do pelvic rocking. Lie down with your knees bent, feet about hip distance apart, and your low back flat on the floor (don't try this if you have back problems). As you rock your pelvis back with a slight arch, breathe in and as you tuck your pelvis, breathe out. Do this for just a few minutes and then lower your knees, straightening them to rest on the floor and continue breathing. Visualize energy moving up your spine with the in-breath and moving down the front of your body with the out breath.

When we rouse sexual energy, it is like a sleeping serpent come to life: the Kundalini. Sexuality is much more than a physical act; it is energy within our bodies. These are concepts taught in all of the esoteric traditions of sacred sexuality. How we choose to express sexuality depends on many variables and when you express this energy with a partner, the choices of expression expand exponentially. But when there is a deep connection with another, when you are truly present together, there is a creative blending of body and spirit, mind and heart. Here is where the practice of spiritual sex begins. Your heart must open, to yourself and to your partner.

Heart opening is energetic as well as psychological. You are creating a container to become conduits of loving energy. It requires partners to shift into loving the essence or the spirit of their partner, not the outer layers of everyday, ordinary life. To begin with learn to create sacred space together. Here's an exercise called Touching Hearts:

After creating a safe and beautiful setting, sit opposite your partner in chairs, on cushions, or on the floor. For a few moments you may choose to simply breathe deeply and make eye contact, or to say a few words of appreciation for your partner. Once you both feel completely relaxed, each of you will place your right hand on the other's heart, and then place your left hand over the partner's hand, closing your eyes. With relaxed breathing, focus on the warm feeling in your heart region. Imagine a warm sun, expanding to encompass your whole body and your partner's body, and the entire space around you. This will take a few moments. When you are ready, rest your hands in your lap, open your eyes and look into your partner's eyes. Repeat the following words: first one partner will say the first phrase and then the other repeats the same phrase, until all three have been spoken.

"May you be safe,"
"May you be happy,"
"May your heart be filled with joy."

After breathing deeply for a few moments, move into holding each other.

Both these exercises offer direct experiences: of sexual energy and of conscious loving. Rather than simply judging from the mind, I'd like you to try one or both and then share your experience in the comments. That's where we begin to explore the mystery together. I hope to hear from you.

Comments

[chendri887]

Sounds like great advice to me. I'll have to try it with my wife!

[guajiro]

I'll be quite honest with you Ms. Savage, it all sounds quite pleasing..­..........­..for a woman! If there's anything that is more of a turn-off to a man regarding sex is the pre-meditated, choreography of the setup to the perfect sexual encounter when organized by a woman. All this slow-breathing, looking deep into one's eyes, surrounded by perfumed pillows, being calm and in a serene location with butterflys flitting about.......why it's......­it's......­why it's UNAPPEALING. Don't get me wrong, if it's a girl I've been wanting to make a girlfriend for quite a while, I won't be picky about it. I'll play along and sooner or later we'll get around to the sex thing. But if I were to play along with your routine of stretching, arching the back, finding my karma while doing mental excercises, why I'd be tuckered out and forget why I was doing all that stretching in the first place. Nice of you to be concerned and share your thoughts nonetheless.

[Zofomofo]

You mean to an adolescent boy. Not a man.

And if you are that easily tuckered out, you could probably use some tips. I'm sure your "partner" (sounds more like object) would agree.

[Snooty F]

I'm always surprised by men that assume that ALL men must feel the same way about sex as they do. You are welcome to feel and act the way you do, but your responses are generally informed by learned social norms. Many other men feel differently. That is okay, too. No one is making you approach your sexuality in this way.

[Hugh-Leighton]

I have a great deal of sympathy for Guajiro. It is my feeling that he is doomed to a life lacking real love and all of the joys that can bring; in the bedroom and out of it. It is sad to run across those among us who are like this and it is rather telling to find out that the vast majority of those people are men. As a species the gender differences we are born with have allowed us to take firm control of the top of the food chain but have cost us a closeness between the genders that still exists among some of our still savage cousins. It is interesting to me that the one person trying hard to regain that dormant past within all of us carries the surname "Savage". Coincidence? Perhaps.

[msjimmied]

In the hindu philosophies and tantric sex, the orgasm is used as a launching pad to spiritual ecstasy. This gave way to the Devdasi, a spiritual female partner, usually associated with temples. Women had many conflicting messages, so it was easier to not confuse them I suppose! A wife, a mother, a whore? or just a woman...Men too have their hang ups, In reality there is no true man without a touch of the feminine or a true woman without a touch of a man, otherwise they would just be caricatures ...that was a quote from somewhere loosely phrased by yours truly as I was too lazy to look it up! The point being that we would do well to allow each person to flower without the limits of conditioning in any relationship, nor mentally cast them in a mold we are comfortable with, they are who they are. The question to oneself is then, am I you there yet? Because if you are not, you may feel like it is spiritual, but really you are just fooling yourself. You have to be evenly yoked and come together as one. That's a deep inner journey you take before you can start the exercises...many layers to peel away, both of you. What are the chances you are going to get lucky?

[HappyHat]

"Lucky." Love that, a new spin on the word!

[Zofomofo]

fake it 'til you make it.

[HumeSkeptic]

I would like to learn and practice spiritual sex. A lot.
Are there any good looking female teachers on this thread who would be kind enough to offer private lessons.?

[instagladiator]

Today's special $2.50 per session.

Mumbo-jumbo. But for those of you who feel there IS something in this for you, all the best.

[Zofomofo]

That is soooo funny... Did you tell yer frat buddies that one?

[EuLupu]

Coming from a skeptic this is quite optimistic!

[rlugbill]

Sex and spirituality. Yes, saying grace before a meal is a good comparison. Making a purely physical event into a spiritual one.

But this sex and spirituality mixture is frought with dangers. Many spiritual leaders have crossed the line and done harmful things in the name of mixing sex and spirituality. It's a volatile mixture.

Sex is such a strong force that most cultures have put limits and restrictions on it to avoid abuse. We need to be careful so that proper limits are respected in any sort of linking of sex and spirituality.

[ENOS]

please read my comment below... spirit is in all things, unavoidable. the goal is not to usher in the spirit, but to be guided by positive and good spirits rather than negative ones. Eating with thankfulness rather than with glutony and selfish greed is an act of choosing to follow good spirit.

[Zofomofo]

Enough with the sex fear already.

Your talking about abuse of power, which happens everywhere, with or with out sex.

[ENOS]

If any of us believe in the concept of spirit, then its fairly obvious that ALL activities include both body and spirit. The problem comes when we neglect to acknoledge that. There are positive spirits... Love, Respect, Honesty. And, there are negative spirits... Hate, Lust, Lieing. The goal IMHO should be to become a collector and participant of positive spirit, and to shed the negative spirit as much as possible.

[veritas2u]

I prefer a Happy Ending.

[bikerdude]

You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She’s not perfect - you aren’t either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can.
She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart.
So don’t hurt her, don’t change her, don’t analyze and don’t expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she’s not there.
— Bob Marley
This is as cool as it gets....

[TheIndependenceParty]

Yes, ... it is. Thank you.

[Anu2u]

That was an awesome passage...

[exPatPatti]

Is that Buffy

[falco]

And her grandfather?

[Rocketship]

Most of us are aware of the sometimes therapeutic sometimes recreational drug MDMA. If a person is engaged in a relationship with someone well matched to one sexually it can create an opportunity for dramatic rapid deepening and spititualized sexual experiences. It is not really ambiguous or in the least artificial in my experince. Astonishing, exquisite .....

[Pupadup4oBama]

Absolutely! And it doesn't have to be just for sexual relationships, even friendships can benefit.

[instagladiator]

As the late John Denver would say "Far Out!!!"

Do tell, what is natural about what you speak of?

[MikeDu]

Referencing the wildly speculative archelological interpretations of the late doctor Gimbutas (who I have read), then throwing in spiritual mumbo-jumbo and pseudo-religious chants. It appears you're trying to fabricate an 'ecstatic' sex goddess cult. Its a very bad idea to combine orgasms with crackpot egocentric religions, even *benign* crackpot egocentric religions. Lets remember, Orpheus was literally torn to pieces by women who were in an ecstatic sexual-religious frenzy.

[Zofomofo]

So, is it a good idea to combine crackpot egocentric religions with anything? (A bit loaded?)

Are you really afraid, the above meditation is so threatening to you that you must evoke an image of carnage?

Or are you just trying to sound superior and target the easily hit new age jargon?

[jeffhrsn]

He's trying to sound superior. It's fairly obvious. I've met the type many times.

[Pupadup4oBama]

more like the latter...

[ilouie]

I call our current era the age of rage and this is a perfect example. Why do people become so angered over everything these days? If someone doesn't relate to or enjoy what Ms. Savage is sharing, why not simply move on? I'm not criticizing MikeDu. I just don't understand why anyone would become so frustrated and waste their time?
"May you be safe,"
"May you be happy,"
"May your heart be filled with joy."

[elmerfude]

What's wrong with crackpot egocentric religions. Shoot most of the country belongs to one of these. They are on every corner.

[kfdan]

I'm afraid I hold to the idea that sex is great ... when it's hot, juicy and unbinding ... that's the way it is!

[clumberfeet]

A love pure and chaste from afar.

[Carolab]

It's called "being in love", not being in "lust". Anyone with a close bond with their partner understands and feels sex on a spiritual level. It's no mystery.

[MinisterMelinda]

""It's called "being in love", not being in "lust". Thank you carolab! ""

The reason this exercise is ridiculous, in my opinion, is that sex IS spiritutal. Engaging in a sexual activity with your spouse is spiritual and physical.
After all that pelvis rocking, touching hearts is the last thing most people may do. Is this something for people who are out of touch with their own sexuality?
But SPIRITUAL SEX as described here? "After breathing deeply for a few moments, move into holding each other." This sounds like 'mind masturbation' and that involves thinking about something that you long to do but can't or shouldn't? IDK.....

[roblabrousse]

Sometimes acknowledging what you are doing or adding a ritual aspect to it can heighten the idea of presence and purpose. Verbalizing makes a different type of connection ..at times. It heightens the connection. I don't think it's a silly notion to do it. It just doesn't seem like something everyone would approach doing because of a discomfort level or lack of this kind of interest. How much verbalizing takes place in sex? How many of us feels it breaks a mood ? People nixing this obviously can't even open their minds to the possibility to it being something beneficial. This isn't a replacement on how to have sex. It's another approach. More directed with perhaps worthwhile effects. I don't see how anyone can kabosh something that they haven't tried. This approach makes us more vulnerable and more truthful with our partners. It is definitely more sharing.It's amusing that all the sexually sophisticated would be afraid of something that could possibly bring them to a level of sexual pleasure they have yet to know.

[Zofomofo]

Such anger, why so condescending to masterbation?

Is it that hard to understand some people need a little refocusing of their energies?

[Pupadup4oBama]

hmmmm...i think if you are in the moment, and this can add another layer of intimacy...why deny it? Why not try it? Would it hurt you? And if you are thinking about something other than your partner, then perhaps you shouldn't be with that person.
There is so much more to sex than just intercourse

[Jimmyboyo]

it is also lust

love without lust is just a friendship or family bond

lust without love is just a 1 night fling

Love+ lust = WOWWWWWWWW­WWWWWWWWWW­WWWWWWWWWW­w

[Pupadup4oBama]

oh YES..:)

[Poorsarah]

Chant....endocrine system, endocrine system, endocrine system.

[JohnnyReason]

"peas and carrots" works too, say that over and over next time, and you'll be amazed...