THE BLOG
06/10/2013 11:43 am ET Updated Aug 10, 2013

Conversation Interruptus! How Communication Has Changed Forever Due to Government Surveillance

Government surveillance has had a deleterious effect on private conversations all over the world as the following recorded excerpts show. (Source: National Security Agency)

Conversation between Kate Middleton and her sister Pippa on the subject of sex during the third trimester.

PM: Hullo darling, how are you feeling?

KM: Lovely, absolutely glowing.

PM: I wanted to ask, are you and William still having sex?

KM: Pippa, I can't talk about this. Not now.

PM: Because I read this article that says if your placenta covers all or part of your cervix and if the penis comes in contact with the cervix or you have contractions as a result of orgasm, it can endanger the little one.

KM: I really don't care to discuss my cervix on the telephone. Little pitchers.

PM: Little pitchers? I thought we were talking about big...[Call terminated 04:18]

Conversation between Gloria Davenport and her lover Ike Collins.

GD: Why are you calling me so late? It's after midnight.

IC: I'm crazy about you Gloria. You know that. But we can't go on like this. Someone is going to get hurt.

GD: But it's the best sex either one of us has ever had. Why would you want to give that up?
IC: It's just not safe anymore.
[Someone sneezes]
IC: God bless.
GD: I didn't sneeze.
[Pause]

IC: Walt, is that you, man? I was just calling to see if you wanted to hit a few balls in the morning...

GD: Walt's sound asleep upstairs.

IC: Oh geeze It's just what I was worried about. It's the Feds! Listen guys, we're ending it right here, right now. No harm done, O.K.? Just sneeze twice if you copy me.

Conversation between professional sex phone provider Candy Landsberg and her client Henry B 203-612-7071.

HB: What are you wearing, you bad girl?

CL: Heavy denim overalls, a long sleeve flannel shirt, wool socks and work boots. Oh, and a winter hat with earflaps.

Conversation between Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones.

MD: Honey, I said I was sorry. Why can't you forgive me?

CZJ: [Silence]

MD: I was just trying to get a little medical information out to the public. It wasn't meant to have any reflection on your or our marriage.

CZJ: [Silence]

MD: C'mon, sweetheart, cut me some slack here. It's so lonely here at the Peninsula and these news guys won't leave me alone for a second. Let me come home, please.

CZJ: [Silence]

Conversation between President Barak Obama and James Clapper, director of national intelligence.

BO: Are we being recorded?

JC: No, of course not, sir.

BO: O.K. listen up, Jim. Whoever came up with the stupid name PRISM I want them fired immediately.

JC: Will do. And furthermore I can assure you he's not the only idiot. We need a good housekeeping here.

BO: Any word on the leak?

JC: They've got him spotted in China.

BO: You know what to do.

JC: Yes, Mr. President.

BO: Are you sure we're not being recorded?

JC: [laughs] I'm sure. I would know, wouldn't I?

Conversation between Edward Joseph Snowden, NSA whistle-blower and Blue Dragon, a Chinese restaurant in Hong Kong.

EJS: I'll have egg drop soup, moo shoo pork with six pancakes and Emperor Ming's Shrimp.

BD: White rice or brown?

EJS: Brown

BD: Twenty minutes.

[Someone sneezes]

EJS: Wait a minute! I recognize that sneeze. Is that you, Clapper?

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