THE BLOG
01/15/2013 06:08 pm ET | Updated Mar 15, 2013

How the Lance Armstrong-Oprah Interview Really Went

How, you ask, could a tiny operation like My Little Publishing Company get its hands on this sensational material even before the New York Times or TMZ? Well, there are sources and then there are sources. My nephew just happens to run a breakfast burrito wagon that just happens to service Wildfire, a video production company in Austin, Texas that just happens to provide equipment for out-of-state production companies like Winfrey's.

I hope I'm not revealing too much when I take this opportunity to say, "Great work, (name withheld). Time to kiss that those chorizos goodbye. Your grateful auntie is sending you a big, big check -- as soon as I get my Obama approved 2012 tax refund.

So, without further ado, here is an excerpt of the "no holds barred" interview that Oprah Winfrey conducted with Lance Armstrong last week to air on Winfrey's OWN cable TV network this coming Thursday.

[The interview takes place in Lance Armstrong's bike shop, Mellow Johnny's. Lance is changing a tire.]

Oprah: I hope this isn't a bad time to talk, Lance.

Lance: In my experience, Oprah, it's never a good time to talk. But what can I do? You're here. Cameras are rolling. Basically I'm trapped. Can you hand me that small wrench?

Oprah: This one?

Lance: No, the small one. You're practically standing on it.

Oprah: Sorry I don't know a wrench from a wrench. So that looks like a nice bike. What kind is it?

Lance: You obviously don't know any more about bikes than you do wrenches.

Oprah (Laughs): Guilty!

Lance: This is a Pinarello FP Team/Shimano Ultegra 6700.

Oprah: Sounds fancy.

Lance: It retails $3,399. But I can let you have it for $3,200.

Oprah: As I said, I'm not much of a bike person. Never really learned how to ride one. But we aren't here to talk about bikes today.

Lance: No? Then what do you want to talk about?

Oprah: It was my understanding that you were the one who wanted this interview, Lance. According to my producer, you had some things you wanted to get off your chest.

Lance: Yes, that's true.

Oprah: I'm all ears. As is the rest of my television audience.

Lance: This isn't easy.

Oprah: The truth never is, Lance.

Lance. Could you hand me that chain adjuster bolt repair kit?

Oprah: What?

Lance: It's right there next to the bike stand.

Oprah: Is this it?

Lance: Yes, thanks. You're not a complete loss in a bike shop, Oprah.

Oprah: Thanks. Now back to why you asked for this interview.

Lance: Boy, you are as relentless as they say you are.

Oprah: I like to think so, yes.

Lance (taking a deep breath): OK. I guess I've stalled long enough. Here it is. Finally, the truth. When I was 10 years old I watched as my friend Chucky Scanlon stole a box of Snickers from the local super market.

Oprah: And...?

Lance: And I never reported him.

Oprah: That's it?

Lance: I've been tortured by guilt about it to this day. I am so grateful Oprah for this opportunity to come clean.

Oprah: That's really it?

Lance: I feel like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. And I just want to give a shout out to Chucky. Bro, wherever you are, it's time to fess up. Take it from me, the truth will set you free.

Oprah: Are the cameras still rolling? Somebody hand me that wrench. No, no, the big one.

For a copy of the entire transcript, email mylittlepublishingcompany@gmail.com.

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