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How to Handle Rejection With Grace and Aplomb

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We writers have all suffered through more than our share of rejection. Now My Little Publishing Company is happy to announce that you will never have to suffer through the pain and humiliation of repudiation ever again. How can I promise this? Easy. You reject them first.
The MLP Rejection Method is so simple. So easy. The following are pre-written rejection forms for almost any occasion, literary or otherwise. I'm providing this service free to subscribers of this blog.

Literary Rejections

Dear Ms. Big Deal Agent:
You want a two-page query letter from me? How about you send me one first? Tell me what you think you can do for me and my novel along with a self-addressed-stamped-envelope. I'll think about it and get back to you in six months. Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Mr. Senior Editor at Major Publishing Conglomerate:
I am not submitting my latest novel ______________ for your consideration. Why? Because when I look at the list of your best-selling books, I have to ask myself, do I want to be associated with this dribble? The answer is no. Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear U.S. Copyright Office: Blue ink on your Form TX is not considered acceptable? Only black? Is the Justice Department aware of this color discrimination? Please refund my $65. I no longer want to be registered with you or your Library of Congress. Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Mr. Editor of No One's Ever Heard of Your Independent Publishing Company or the Three Paranormal Novels You're Pushing Down Reader's Throats: What do you mean you don't accept unsolicited manuscripts? I don't accept unknown publishing companies. Yours, sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Big Chance Book Awards: My question is, why didn't I even make the semi-final list of over 8,0000 aspiring writers? Are you kidding me? I want my entry fee refunded or I'll report you to the Attorney General. Yours, sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear New York Times Book Review:
Please don't review my latest novel ________. My personal opinion is that being reviewed in your pages is the worst thing that can happen to an author. Your reviews are not only impossible to understand, they always give away the endings. Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Erudite Literary Magazine:
You're passing on my submission because it's not right for your readership?
What readership? Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Book Blogger: No, I can't send you 10 copies of my new novel ___________________. And forget about interviewing me on your blog. You're the only one who reads it. Yours sincerely, etc. etc.

Dear Prestigious Writers Workshop Leader: As I understand it, the $6500 fee for your Find Your Real Writer Workshop in San Miguel Allende includes writing time, one hour consult with a published English speaking writer, room and board and unlimited tequila. It all sounds very interesting. What I don't understand is why after selling my car and paying for this wonderful opportunity do I still have to submit a sample of my writing? Anyway, here's a sample right now: go f*** yourself. Yours, sincerely, etc. etc.

Added Bonus: Social Networking Rejections

Dear Facebook Friend: I don't like you and I hate your latest profile picture.

Dear Linkedin Contact: Get off my back and stop endorsing me for skills that I don't have and wouldn't want in the first place.

Dear Twitter Follower: I really don't care what you have to say about #nawazsharif. Stop following me or I'll call the cops.

Dear J-Date, Match.com and Christian Mingle One-Time Coffee Date: You said, "it was great meeting me and let's do this again." But you never called. Now it's too late. I changed my number and my email.

Dear Joseph Mwambi of Kingstown, South Africa: I'm sorry for your difficulties in not being able to collect your vast inheritance from your dear departed uncle. But no more checks will be forthcoming from yours truly.

There you have it. The MLP Rejection Method works like magic. Once upon a time I harbored seething resentments and hurt feelings. But after writing this blog, they're all gone! I feel great. So great, in fact, I'm ready to start getting rejected all over again. Send me your favorite rejections and I'll add them to the list.