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Martha Stewart's Match.com Reject Shares His Pain

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Continuing in my series on rejection, many of you probably saw Martha Stewart tell Matt Lauer on The Today Show that she was now on Match.com. She said she had received thousands of responses. One of these was from a Charles Martin (Heart-On-My-Sleeve) of North Salem, NY. He contacted My Little Publishing Company in the hopes that we would be interested in a book based on his experience as a potential love match for Martha Stewart. This is his story.

1st email

Hi Peach Melba. Thanks for "winking" at me. Has anyone ever told you that you look just like Martha Stewart? Anyway, a little more about me. After selling my portable toilet business I find I have much more time to devote to my interests which I'm trying to discover what they are. Which is also why I would love to have a partner to share this time in my life. Since my wife died some years ago, I have to admit that I do get lonely now and again. Let me know when you're free for coffee. Signed Heart-On-My-Sleeve.

2nd email.

Holy Moly, my daughter was over last night and saw your profile on Match and said, Dad, that is Martha Stewart, you idiot! I almost fell over. Because, guess what? You are not going to believe this. I have your sheets on my bed. (The Petal Drift Collection) Plus, your Carved Acrylic Floral Accent Rug is lying on my bathroom floor as we speak. But most importantly, I think I three of your cookbooks!! Yours truly, loves to eat. Recently I had a stomach band put in and it's cut down on my appetite a little but believe you me it doesn't spoil my enjoyment of good food. As you know from reading my profile, I like to take long walks on the beach. And I love dogs. Full disclosure here: I'm little nervous around chows which I know is your breed of choice. I had a bad experience as a child -- the neighbors chow bit me in the head. But I'm open to trying again. Anyway, let's have that coffee! You name the time and the place. Signed, Charles (HOMS)

Response from Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia:

Dear Mr. Martin, Ms. Stewart has asked me to respond to you on her behalf. Unfortunately, as I'm sure you'll understand, her time is very limited. She is unable to schedule in a coffee date with you. But she wishes you the very best in finding the perfect match.
Yours sincerely, Robin McPherson
Administrative assistant to Martha Stewart

3rd email:

Martha, I would really appreciate it if you didn't share my emails to you with your assistant. This is a personal and private matter. Sorry to be a little short. But, geeze, this is my heart we're dealing with here! Enough about that. I found a great place right near your house. Tazza Café in Armonk. They have excellent blueberry muffins. Not as great as yours but... How's tomorrow work for you?

Response from Martha Stewart Living Omnimedia:


Mr. Martin, Ms. Stewart has asked me to tell you she is taking down her profile on Match.com and wishes no further communication. She also asks on behalf of the owners of Tazza Café that you vacate your table so as to allow other customers to be served. Thank you.
Robin McPherson
Administrative assistant to Martha Stewart

4th email:

Hi Martha, you're going to laugh but that was me you sideswiped yesterday!! I was standing by your mailbox holding take out coffees. You probably didn't recognize me because the picture I used on match.com is a few years old. Anyway, I am O.K. Just a few contusions and bruises. No broken bones. You sure drive a mean Range Rover, kiddo! LOL, Charles.

Mr. Martin has yet to hear from Ms. Stewart or her administrative assistant. He feels hurt and even a little angry. Unfortunately, we are unable to publish his memoir Martha, Me and the Muffins We Never Shared. As we said in our email to him: "Rejections are hard. Death by vehicular homicide is even harder."

Editor's note: This post is satirical.