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Linda Howard Urbach Headshot

Redemption Coach Reaches Out to Hillary Clinton

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My dear friend Charles Singleton is an entrepreneur of the first order. After viewing the successful reentry into politics by Anthony Weiner and former Governor Elliot Spitzer he has seen a golden opportunity in the upcoming presidential elections. He is offering his services as America's Number One Redemption Coach. ("Politics means always having to say you're sorry.") And because he is such a go-getter he managed to wangle an appointment with Hillary Clinton. The following is a transcript of their meeting.

CS: Thank you for seeing me today, Madam Secretary of State.

HC: You can just call me Mrs. Clinton.

CS: How about Hillary?

HC: Mrs. Clinton would be fine. Now tell me what I can do for you today?

CS: It's what I can do for you, Mrs. Clinton. And the sooner we begin the better.

HC: What did you have in mind?

CS: Your brilliant past record, your present views on things like the Arab Spring, the conflict in Syria, your unpaid advocacy work for women and girls as part of the Clinton foundation -- all that amounts to a hill of beans if you don't have your redemption strategy up and running.

HC: Redemption strategy? I don't understand.

CS: You don't need to understand that's what I'm here for. Just know this: the properly executed redemption strategy is what's going to get you into the White House.

HC: First of all, I haven't even said I'm running.

CS: No need to play coy with me, Hill. I'm your coach. You and me we don't have secrets. Now let's go to your closet.

HC: My closet?

CS: The skeletons. The sins. Most importantly, the lurid affairs. The more lurid, the better. Let's get it all out there so we can start saying we're sorry. Start at the very beginning. Actually I think we can forget the adolescent shoplifting, the cheating on tests. Did you ever do drugs?

HC: Never. Well, maybe a little marijuana in college...

CS: No, that's lame. Not bad enough. Focus on the extramarital affairs.

HC: But I never had any extramarital affairs. I think you mean Bill...

CS: Forget about Bill. This is about you and your sordid past, your wicked deeds and your desire to now come clean. Phase one. You've got to get up there and make a full confession. We let that soak in for a month or two. Let the public pour over the gruesome details. Lots of photo ops of you looking depressed and distressed. You have to let your hair and makeup go for a while. Then phase two. Get yourself cleaned up. Total makeover. We get Bill on board. The stand by your man deal. Correction: woman. You go on this huge media blitz asking for forgiveness, saying your sorry, you've learned your lesson and now you feel you can lead the nation into a better, brighter, more moral future.

HC: Mr. Singleton, I don't want to sound like a goody-goody but I don't really have anything to confess. Certainly nothing exciting. I did get a couple of speeding tickets when we lived in Arkansas...

CS: You don't understand Mrs. Clinton. You don't have to be guilty. You just have to sound guilty. Have nothing nasty to confess? No problem. We make it up. The people desperately want to forgive their public figures. Your job is to give them what they want.

HC: But I haven't really done anything wrong.

CS: Famous last words of a second runner-up. Do you want to be elected president or do you want to be a stay-at-home goody two shoes? You better decide, Missy.
[to be continued.]

Linda Urbach's latest books Expecting Miracle is available on Amazon.com and Create Space. Her friend, Charles Singleton is available for redemption coaching sessions.