My Little Publishing Company was able to get our hands on the minutes of the secret executive meeting of the newly formed conglomerate. The following is an excerpt:
Editor-in-chief: As you know there's a lot of negative feelings about our merger. We've got to prove that just because we're a conglomerate doesn't mean we can't produce quality books. So, let's put aside our past differences and come up with some great ideas.
Executive editor #1: Unbroken has been on the bestseller list for 105 weeks. I've got a book that can do even better. It's called Broken. It's a professional golfer's story of survival while playing with a broken toe.
Editor-in-chief: Hmmm. Good title. I'm not sure it's got the drama of a Japanese prisoner of war story.
Executive editor #2: How about this? A genre bender. Non-fiction and fiction. The Game of Thrones meets the Team of Rivals. I think I can get Doris Kearns Goodwin to pen it.
Editor-in-chief: What's the title?
Executive editor #2: The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.
Executive editor 1: It's been taken, stupid.
Editor-in-chief: I'm warming to the idea of a gender merge. I think we can get Sue Grafton to do a Lincoln book. Lincoln always sells. How about A is for Abe? The bloody murder mystery of the America's 16th president.
Executive editor #1: But sir, it wasn't a mystery. Everyone knows who shot him.
Editor-in-chief: Ah, they just think they know. This book will re-open the case. It's a sure fire winner. Get Grafton on the phone.
Executive editor #2: I think she's signed with another publisher.
Editor-in-chief: We'll buy them and her contract. O.K. what else? Our debut list has to be really exciting.
Executive editor #2: I have a wonderful cookbook. The Life of Pie. It's a pastry cookbook using wild game ingredients.
Executive editor #1: That's a really stupid idea.
Executive editor #2: Or if you want something with legs, how about What To Expect When You're Expecting Proof of Heaven?
Executive editor #1: That's even more stupid.
Executive editor #2: Or, I just came across a very promising novel. Gone Girl Scout. A dedicated troop leader searches for a lost merit badge winner.
Executive editor #1: That's the stupidest idea yet.
Executive editor #2: You know, I'm tired of you calling me stupid.
Executive editor#1: Oh, then let me edit that. You're not just stupid, you're a stupid asshole.
Editor-in-chief: People, come on. Let's not squabble. We've got work to do. We need some more good titles. How about the young adult category?
Executive editor #2: I've been thinking that after The Hunger Games the young adult market is probably ripe for some good pornography. I just need to research the school library guidelines.
Editor-in-chief: Do it! Do it!
Executive editor #1: You can't sell dirty books to young adults. We'll get sued.
Executive editor #2: A lawsuit can make for great press. Besides I've got an excellent contender.
Executive editor #1: You wouldn't know a good book idea if it bit you on that fat ankle of yours.
Executive editor #2: Shut up.
Executive editor #1:You shut up.
(SFX: Heavy book hitting forehead.)
Editor-in-chief: I just love our enthusiasm! Who says a conglomerate can't be passionate about books?
(SFX: More books crashing against walls. Tiffany lamp breaking. Bodum French Press Coffee Maker shattering.)
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