THE BLOG
03/17/2008 06:56 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Bernanke Tries Cialis to Stimulate Dormant Economy

After unsuccessful attempts to stimulate a flagging economy and deflating stock market, Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke is now trying Cialis, crediting predecessor Alan Greenspan for the advice, and the pills.

"He's got a whole damn Walgreen's at his place, Cialis, Viagra, Miralax, Levitra, you name it, G-Span's got it. He's like Hef! So I took Viagra, because, well, I thought that was the gold-standard. Get it, 'gold-standard', get it??!" Bernanke laughed with gusto at what he called "his funny." But then the Fed Chief composed himself, and went on to explain his sobering failure with Viagra.

The pill gave the markets a quick burst, but the fast-acting stimulus soon wore off, leaving investors unimpressed and thoroughly unsatisfied.

"I kept saying to myself, relax, Bernanke, relax, just let it happen, but I wasn't feeling it and the credit markets could tell. They were just totally seized up, laying there like dead fish. I tried and tried and then just gave up, and turned up the volume on Charlie Rose."

After that debacle, Bernanke says, he suffered a crisis of confidence.

"I was real low after the whole Viagra thing. I was letting myself go, the dollar was tanking, my lunch joint stopped making my favorite panini, these hedge fund dip-wads couldn't make their margin calls, everything was just going to shit."
He said choosing Viagra was a mistake, in the eyes of former Fed Chief Greenspan.

"G told me Viagra is so dated, so 'irrational exuberance.' For times like these, he said you need to have that flexibility to strike when the moment is right. With Cialis, I have to wait as little as 30 minutes, and still have as much as 36 hours to make my move. Side effects can include headache, indigestion, back pain, muscle aches, flushing, and stuffy nose. Can't hurt as much as that run on Bear Stearns! Boy, that really, really sucked."

Greenspan also gave Bernanke a much-needed pep talk this past weekend.
"G was just great. We had a guy-talk in the sauna and he totally pumped me up. He said 'who's the most powerful central banker in the world?' I said, 'I am!' He said 'who wrote the kick-ass Inside the Black Box: the Credit Channels of Monetary Policy Transmission?' I said, 'I did!' And then he said, 'well, get your game on, and this time, be ready when the markets are ready. Try Cialis.'"

Bernanke went on to outline his stimulus plan. "I got some Sade on iTunes, and grabbed some Sylk Sensation Intimate Warming Gel from G's nightstand. Then I have to lower expectations, so I have to go out on CNBC and say things like 'oh, I'm not all that. Just a regular middle-aged guy here. Can't squeeze water from a stone!' That kind of stuff. Then I'll take the Cialis Tuesday morning and at 2:15 ET, BAM! I'll try another jump-start. Then I have a good 22 hours left to relax, and try again."

And if that doesn't work? "Worst case scenario, I ditch the charm offensive and bring out my big gun, Suze Orman. G said she's been calling this mess for years, and girlfren's got bigger balls than any of us."