In a stunning turn of events, Senator Clinton has assassinated her own soul, in the hotly-contested race for the Democratic candidacy.
The annihilation of her soul, which had been suspected for months, was formally complete after the Senator made this comment to the editorial board of South Dakota's Sioux Falls Argus-Leader: "My husband did not wrap up the nomination in 1992 until he won the California primary somewhere in the middle of June, right? We all remember Bobby Kennedy was assassinated in June in California. I don't understand it."
The campaign denies that she was making any kind of dark insinuation about the safety of her rival Senator Obama. But insiders say Mrs. Clinton decided to throw out her last scrap of soul because, as they put it, "it was getting in her way". One insider describes it likes this: "Hill's a fighter. No man is expected to have a soul and get anywhere. She was keeping that last little bit just for old times' sake. For Chelsea maybe. Do you really want someone who has to stare down Ahmadinejad to have a soul?"
A superdelegate who is supporting Clinton, and who asked to remain anonymous, agreed that souls have been damning the Democratic party for decades. "Look, let's get real here. Souls cause you to reflect, to ponder, to think before you speak, to let us get all Swift-Boated and suffocated by our own sense of putrid decency. How's that working for us? It's not. Now that Hillary's soul is totally gone, we can get down to some real full-on ass-kicking."
Sources say she received spiritual counseling on soul-extermination by the former top Bush adviser Karl Rove. While Senator Clinton has apologized, staffers say that the words of contrition are not evidence of left-over soul. "Nah, it's gone. She just has to say "I'm Sorry". And doesn't she look fabulous without her soul? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to talk about how she looks, but she's glowing!"