How I Got Rid Of All That Junk Inside My Trunk***

***Results completely unique to one Linda Erin Keenan

I just read that the mayor of Oklahoma City wants his town to lose a million pounds this year. In my case, I wish I could say it was the mayor of my own personal Crazy Town , Oprah, who motivated me to lose weight. As a 30 hm-hm haus frau, I look to the Opracle for guidance on most matters; how my poop should look, is my vajayjay functioning properly, who I should vote for, how to tell if my husband is secretly gay. But when it came to losing weight, I didn't do it for my health, to nourish my all-conquering woman-spirit, as Oprah might sensibly suggest.

I did it because of my ass. After I turned 30, my butt embarked on its own great Northern expansion. My A-ha! Moment, as Oprah would say, came two years ago, when I sat in a toddler chair at the library, stood up, and picked up the chair with my ass. I had to pry it off, as the other sympathetic mommies politely looked away, fumbling with their cell phones and diaper bags.

2 years later, I'm 40 pounds lighter. My butt? It's gone from Kardashian to Calista. So what did I do? Freebase Hoodia? Become a surburban Meth head, tweaking my way through the Whole Foods produce section?

Nothing that dramatic. I did it by taking the advice of Elmo's soul-patch sportin' daddy in Elmo's Potty Game (played frequently in my toddler-ruled home): "Elll-moe, you gotta listen to yo' body!" In short, I chucked every diet and exercise plan I had ever read, and found out how to contain my emotions, and satisfy my undeniably rapacious appetite with less food.

Am I healthier? Maybe, maybe not. But I am 40 pounds lighter, and showing no sign of backsliding. Thus, I now offer up my list of rule-breaking rules that helped me lose The Great White Ass.

1. I didn't call it a diet, didn't think of it as a diet, and told no one.

I didn't one day shout from the rooftops, 'Hello, World! Make way for skinny Linda!' I had been down this disastrous road before. My college friends darkly recall my pickle and mustard phase. When I started eating (too much) again, someone would say 'what about that diet?' and then I'd mumble, and my voice would trail off, and that was it, diet over. That made me sad, and made me eat more.

2. I stopped exercising.

OK, I know this is heresy, and a cardio-vascular atrocity. I do chase a toddler, but I hate compulsory exercise. When I started "dieting", I heaved my flopping flounder body onto the treadmill. I had just moved from Manhattan to a soul-crushing exurb. I felt like my pleasantly, moderately decadent life was disappearing. It was too much at once for my fragile psyche. I soon began wilding through the fridge like the old Mike Huckabee. My husband said, "you won't lose more than 15 pounds if you stop exercising". That was 25 pounds and 2 years ago, sucker.

3. I stopped eating food I hated.

I hate salads; there, Oprah, I said it. I tried at first to eat the recommended buttload, if you will, of wasa crisps, leafy arugula blends, wild salmon, flax seed oil, salad spritz (is this for my food or my pits?). I stopped buying "healthy" food. I resolved to eat only food that I ate and loved during the Chunk Years. I continued losing weight.

4. I never, ever skip a good-sized meal.

For me, Deprivation = Diet Death. I aim for 400-450 calories or so a meal. I wasn't eating enough in past diets. Now I'm almost never stuffed, but I'm also never hungry.

5. Fat is my friend.

Call this cardio-vascular atrocity number two, but nothing satisfies me more than about 100 calories of fat every other meal or so, especially animal fat. Egg whites? No. Yolks. The stuff that sticks like crazy glue to the sink, and, presumably, my arteries as well. I try to keep the animal fat in check, but there's always some there.

6 But...I kept the carbs too.

No Atkins here. I don't sit around eating bacon with cheese slabs subbing for bread. I did cut down on portions of bread, pasta and rice, but I don't ban any food, because the Beast will rear up and demand that food. And The Beast must be listened to, which brings me to non-rule #7...

7. I feed the Beast.

Let's face it. We know the Beast that lurks in all of us. Mike Huckabee knows. In my case, it's inside that shiny, wondrous Ruffles bag, all salty and greasy. My solution: I stuff my face, feed the Beast, not often, and when I do, I make those Ruffles my meal.

8. I eat and run.

I eat like a Dyson Cyclone. I find that if I eat, get up and do a chore, like, say, watch Oprah, I'm satisfied by the end of the (cough) chore. Fast food? I eat more now than I did during the Chunk Years (lots of choices for that in the soul-crushing exurb). If I pick about 500 calories of whatever I want, and eat it driving away, I'm satisfied by the time I get home, and for hours and hours after that.

9. I always, always eat dessert.

About 300-350 calories tops of whatever I want. As I write tonight, dessert is a quesadilla. I've eaten a sloppy joe for dessert (and breakfast). But usually it's No Pudge brownies or Trader Joes' apple tarts. I go to sleep moderately full, which makes me very, very happy and keeps the Beast at bay.

This is how I lost nearly a quarter of my body weight, and a whole lot of butt. Am I healthier? A college friend who is an endocrinologist and M.D./PhD who studies diet sustainability at Yale says, yes, current research would say I am. But he and his lovely wife, also an M.D. at Yale had some praise and criticism for the plan and how I've presented it, which you'll hear about soon, in my next post.

I know with this 'diet', I'll never get my Oprah 'twirl' moment, where I'm brought out on stage and revered for going from frump to fab because I believed in my Self and my Worth. That's ok. It was pure vanity that got me to lose weight, so twirling in front of my own mirror suits me just fine.

I'd be happy to face any questions, tirades or the like about how this approach worked for me. Fire away in the comment section!

Comments

[avicenna]

I think "health" is different from "lean" - but all things being equal - lack of proper nutrition for an obese person is likely to have faster repurcutions than for a lean person (just because there ends up being a bigger mess to be cleaned up in the big dude/dudette). Eating for the sake of living well would mean you are trying to max out on getting the good stuff: antioxidants, minerals, essential fatty acides, vitamins, essential amino acids and complex carbohydrates for both energy and controlling blood lipids. Unfortunately, the American diet is both calorically dense and nutrient poor - which leads to all the chronic diseases we have today - from allergies to depression to heart disease. People forget the function of food - to meet both nutrient and energy needs. The reason why people are still raving hungry after gobbling down a 700 calorie cinnabon with a artificially sweetened coffee is because the body has not gotten any nutrients - so the hunger will continue. Are you healthy? Do you feel healthy both physically and mentally? That's the only way to tell.

[Residentcynic]

As I read this I think: this chick must have a Ferrari for a metabolism. No exercise? Dessert of 300-400 calories whenever you want it? What are the limits? What calorie cut-off? Doesn't make sense to me. In fact, it pisses me off that someone can do this "diet" and lose 40 lbs! I've been doing the same thing and have gained 30 lbs in the last 3 years. Do tell, please!

[lungfish]

Very funny! I chuckled through this entire story and found myself in agreement with most of it.
I lost a big chunk of myself by following a similar pattern. Limit to about 500cal intake per 12hours of the best cals I could find. Limited fat intake to "good" fats and less than a third of any calories taken on from fat. I cut way back on carbs and worked out moderately every day. I allowed myself days where I wasn't so strict but kept to a general trend. Satisfying results came quickly.
Eventually, my tastes for food changed and now the things that I used to really enjoy no longer hold such a powerful attaction. I am able to sample something for flavor without eating a huge chunk of it...
I lost about 60lbs and all of it has stayed off four years later. It was easy, I like being in this condition, and its easy to maintain..­.
I could share more details but I agree that the root is in your own personal decision to change, not in your ability to stick to some arbitrary regimen. I made it easy on myself and still was able to lose a ton of wieght without being miserable, or even really being hungry.
Now my relationship to food is very different and I think before I eat... and its self-regulating because once you have been on a stable and simple diet for awhile just about anything that you eat that isn't truly healthful will make you wish you hadn't eaten it. That kills a lot of impulsive decisions around food before you act on them.

[lbf]

Congrats! Moderation is a good thing-wish I had it!

[DocManhattan]

Speaking as someone who is right now in the midst of low-carb, calorie-counting purgatory, all I can say is congratulations. Me, I've only ever got real results by going through periods of cast-iron discipline, unfortunately. No fun, but it works.

I'm a bit puzzled by your claims that you eat about 400-450 calories per meal, and also always eat 300-350 calories of desert ... That would mean the actual nutritional part of your meal would be restricted to only 100 calories -- equivalent to about one thick slice of bread. Something's not right here ...

[RHR]

Linda: you're take on Oprah is the funniest writing I've seen in while. Thanks for the giggle.

I can't wait to read the next entry.

[NedFlanders19]

Congrats Linda,

You found the ultimate secret. Its listening to your body. By doing this you live more fully, instead of depriving yourself and sticking to a regimen you don't like.

Everyone has the ability to listen and know what their body wants and when. However, most have given up on this to get their information from outside themselves.

Just like how a body knows how to heal a cut, the body also knows what foods are best for it and when. It takes courage to do this, because many will go against you.

We are all unique and to try and fit into a system of eating/living that does not come from your depths does a disservice to all.

Its amazing to me how little we trust ourselves and put our lives into another's hands instead of getting in touch with the power we each have inside and let that guide us.

Kudos to you Linda and keep on flowing.

[stevey]

It's GOTTA be healthier than being heavier - and if you FEEL better, then that's better too! (Like I was some kind of Dr. - AS IF!)