Toddler Or Anchor? I Report, You Decide

I never thought that more than a decade in the cable news business, working in the heady presence of dozens of anchors great and small, would prepare me so well for my current job: mother of a toddler. Why didn't someone tell me? In caring for my beloved 3-year old hellion, I was merely swapping one screaming boss for another.

So here's a puzzler. Am I describing my toddler, or one of the many anchors I've worked for or worked around over the years? You decide.

Question 1. This person breaks wind, frequently, loudly, unembarrassed. This person also, how might I put this delicately, often 'mines for the mother lode', usually at the same time as the aforementioned wind-breaking.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor. At least my toddler has some shame. He'll say, "Excuse me, I farted". This particular anchor just says "Welcome back to the show!" And my toddler, mercifully, still lacks the fine motor skills to flagrantly pick his nose. This double-whammy of anchor farting and picking would happen during commercial breaks, eliciting a chorus in the control room of 'oh gross!' and 'he's at it again' and 'is he done yet?'

Question 2. This person has been nicknamed "Cranky Pants" by his caretakers.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor. As in, "watch out, Cranky Pants hit traffic on the West Side Highway, his bald spot spray-on hair melted off, and he's on the warpath."

Question 3. This person is a huge admirer of the sober, thoughtful reporting of the Newshour with Jim Lehrer and watches it religiously.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Toddler. My own junior news junkie loves when Jim "Ware" does the "wee-cap" of the news at the end. When the show lists the Iraq war dead, he says "Jim Ware is sad now." He also loves substitute anchor Gwin Eye-full, and analysis by David Bwooks from the New York Times. Mommy prefers to kick it old-school liberal with Mark Shields.

Question 4. This person's caretaker has had to remove carrot shreds from his lunch because he "hates orange food - no orange food!"
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor. Though, to be fair, my toddler doesn't like orange food either.

Question 5. This person was inconsolable when told he couldn't have a monkey as a pet.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Toddler. OK, you guessed it, that was my 3-year old. Most anchors care a tad more about their overnight ratings than they do living creatures.

Question 6. This person turns beet-red, balls up his fists and screams when he is read something he doesn't like.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor. My toddler has things he doesn't like to read, but at least he doesn't crumple up the offending material and throw it at me. He also doesn't know how to say "Who the FUCK wrote this?" Not yet, at least. Mommy is a pretty tough editor herself.

Question 7. This person has trouble looking into people's eyes.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor(s). When the camera is on? No problem. With the staff? Not so great on the eye contact. Thank goodness this isn't my toddler because I would definitely worry about autism.

Question 8. This person just up and ran away from his caretakers, leaving them terrified and heartbroken.
Toddler or Anchor?
Answer: Anchor. Actually, the above isn't completely true. The anchor did just disappear without warning, not showing up or calling in for days, weeks, never to return. But we weren't terrified and heartbroken. In fact, we had a lot of fun in the newsroom during that time, and some nice, relaxing lunches.

As I review my quiz, I realize I'll never eat a nice lunch, or produce TV, in this town again. But that's OK. I'll continue having less-than-relaxing lunches with a little temperamental ball of energy who tells me he loves me 10 times a day. I never got that with an anchor.

Comments

[stevey]

Don't they *all* fart and pick their nose off camera (and not wear any pants)?

(veeerryyy funny!)

[laiserin]

witty as ever. I have a whole new respect for my toddler!

[johntal]

I am sorry, but for the life of me , I do not get the satire or the point in writing this "fluff piece"

[AMolinaro]

I wouldn't write off your career quite yet, maybe down the road "The Daily Show" or something similar could use you.

[Ravenlea]

Very clever...

[winkwink]

who's the farter?

[TomR]

Oh that Lou Dobbs. Quite a character.

- Tom