It was the last straw. The Millers (details have been changed) had invited Greg's ex-wife Susan to their annual barbecue with the kids, and hadn't even taken the time to explain to Greg why he'd been overlooked. It really hurt, especially because he had spent hours last summer helping the Millers set up their outdoor furniture and for the last three years had coached their youngest son in soccer.
Greg had elected not to tell their friends (and some family members) the details of the breakup and how much Susan's indiscretions had hurt him. But by taking the high road, and keeping the details private, he was well aware there were those who assumed he had been the one who wanted the separation, when in fact, it was Susan who had surprised him with legal papers.
Greg understood that it would only be natural for their friends to be supportive of Susan. And he certainly wanted to know that things were okay for her and their children. But it floored him that some of their closest friends found it necessary to take sides.
Everyone seemed to rally around Susan and didn't seem to realize how much Greg had been hurting. He would never get over the humiliation of walking to the back of the crowded auditorium, when seats had been saved for his family, but no one had thought of him.
He missed waking up to his children and the family routines he had cherished. He missed the familiarity of the home he'd shared with Susan the last fifteen years. He didn't think he'd ever get used to his condo, or coming home to an empty house. He counted the minutes to the alternate weekends when his kids came. And, ironically, he also counted the minutes until they went home, because they always seemed to negatively compare his home to their mother's. He wondered if he would ever be able to feel normal and move on from the pain.
As we all know, there are rarely winners when it comes to divorce. Each family member is impacted dramatically. And, of course, the extended family and friends are put in the unenviable position of trying to be supportive, as they grapple with their own feelings about the breakup. It's not uncommon to focus our attention on the challenges women face as they start over and tend to the emotional needs of their children. And of course, we know this support will be invaluable. Many newly divorced women have been devastated emotionally and financially, and will surely appreciate sensitivity and compassion from those around them.
It's important, though, to remember that many of today's divorces have been initiated by women. Even if both parties have seen it coming for some time, and the announcement comes as no surprise, many husbands may still feel as if they've been blindsided. Their pride, self-esteems and bank accounts may have been seriously depleted, and they're hurting badly. So, let's not be too quick to assume they're heartless cads whose selfishness and immaturity are solely to blame. And, while we're on the subject, if we seek to enter the blame game, we may take on a polarized, critical stance, and participate in an ugly spiral that escalates a tense situation even further.
After a divorce, egos may be bruised and the parties may be hyper-sensitive to the judgments of those around them. The divorced family may assume they've been the subject of prurient gossip on the soccer field or at dinner parties, and may worry that every aspect of their lives has been scrutinized.
Men starting over may be very frightened by the enormous responsibility of maintaining two households at a time when they're feeling inadequate and insecure. Knowing that we all need to grieve a major loss in a very personal way should remind us to assume that newly divorced men are hurting also and could benefit from our warmth and camaraderie. They may not have a solid support system readily in place.
The newly divorced man has usually lost the structure and comfort of his home and daily routines, and may have been accustomed to his ex-wife handling responsibilities that are now on his very full plate. He may miss the special moments of spontaneously snuggling with his children or being privy to their daily confidences. The limited visits with his children may feel forced or awkward, and over time, the comfort and closeness they once felt may have become strained. Hopefully, as the children mature and gain insight, a closer bond can be re-established.
There may be an assumption that he's living the "life of Reilly" with his newly freed-up schedule -- and that it's no trouble at all to segue quickly to an active, satisfying social life. Don't we all say: "It's so much easier for a man. Everyone has a number to give him." Obviously, this is not always the case. But even if the newly separated man has opportunities, it does not mean he isn't dealing with loneliness or his self-esteem hasn't taken a huge hit.
Most women have developed a support network and are more comfortable reaching out for what they need. Men were more often socialized to keep sad feelings to themselves; they don't want to be perceived as wimps or whiners. So, they present a stiff upper lip and suffer silently. Assume they may be struggling more than they let on. No doubt, he'd be so appreciative if you took the time to call him or invite him over (with or without the children) for a casual catch up. Don't press him to talk if he's reticent. His pride may have suffered a great deal. He'll open up if, and when, he feels safe to share.
As the newly divorced man faces the challenges of the next chapter, there will obviously be some tense moments and pitfalls, but if he is receptive, there are possibilities for tremendous growth and personal satisfaction.
Linda Lipshutz, LCSW, ACSW is a psychotherapist serving individuals, couples and families. She holds degrees from Cornell and Columbia and completed post-graduate training at the Ackerman Institute for Marital and Family Therapy in Manhattan. She can be reached in her Palm Beach Gardens office at 561 630 2827, or online at www.palmbeachfamilytherapy.com.
The DHHS report contains clear and undeniable evidence that the majority of child abuse is committed by mothers, not fathers. This runs counter to the standard mainstream-media depiction of child abusers as being almost exclusively male.
You can get a free copy of the report by calling 1-800-394-3366. Examine the data and you will come to the same conclusion the Department of Health and Human Services did- that mothers commit the majority of child abuse, not fathers.
Current information from multiple sources indicate 10% of non custodial fathers fit the "deadbeat dad" category. Fathers with joint custody pay 90.2% of ordered child support, ones with visitation pay 79.1% and 44.5% of those with NO visitation rights still support their children, (source: US Census Bureau report. Series P-23, No. 173).
Even though some here want to critisize MRAs there is not one MRA/FRA group that I know of that does not want to pay child support nor has that ever been a topic. What they want is for some sanity in the law. Any man who has ever been to family court knows that it something sorely needed.
Assuming much? I rarely talk about my private life with anybody and refuse to complain about my wife even when we have arguments. My wife, however, is more open to sharing our little issues with her friends. If we divorce, I will still never discuss my life with anybody and will end up looking like the as. shole because my wife will discuss her perspective with others.
It is very easy to get divorced but fathers don't get much sympathy from our society.
The DHHS report contains clear and undeniable evidence that the majority of child abuse is committed by mothers, not fathers. This runs counter to the standard mainstream-media depiction of child abusers as being almost exclusively male.
Table 5-3 shows that children in mother-only households are almost 4 times more likely to be fatally abused [read: murdered] than children in father-only households.
•Table 5-4 shows that children in mother-only households are 40% more likely to be sexually abused than children in father-only households.
•Table 6-4 shows that females are 78% of the perpetrators of fatal child abuse [read: child murder], 81% of natural parents who seriously abuse their children, 72% of natural parents who moderately abuse their children, and 65% of natural parents who are inferred to have abused their children.
•Table 6-3 shows that natural mothers are the perpetrators of 93% of physical neglect, 86% of educational neglect, 78% of emotional neglect, 60% of physical abuse, and 55% of emotional abuse.
Table 6-3 also shows when the perpetrator is a non-natural parent, that males [read: non-biological fathers] are the perpetrators of 90% of physical abuse, 97% of sexual abuse, 74% of emotional abuse, and 82% of educational neglect.
and this
■In 2010, 66 percent of children ages 0–17 lived with two married parents, down from 77 percent in 1980.
â– In 2010, 23 percent of children lived with only their mothers, 3 percent lived with only their fathers, and 4 percent lived with neither of their parents.1
FATHERS in America have ALWAYS been second class citizens.
Over 90% of alimony is paid by men and over 80% of women end up with custody of kids. You think if the ratios are rversed, women are going to keep quite?? They will be in congress passing laws, mandating all kinds of nonsese and claiming all kind of discrimination/bias . But in areas like this, when the roles are reversed-feminists fight tooth and nail to keep the status quo.
The only one I cared about was our daughter, I knew she would be hurt by all of this, especially since she was only 7 years old. So, I made sure that everything I did was with her best interest in mind. Well, our daughter lives with me, she chose to live with me. She is a National Honor Society member and gets straight "A"'s in school.
I don't worry about what other people think about me. I just do what is right for My daughter. Basically doing the right thing has trashed my life, I had a high paying job, lots of friends (So I thought) and a great family life. Today, I am a single father with custody, no woman has a chance with me.
The marriage was "wrong thing" even though it brought a wonderful child into the world.
After the "wrong thing" put you in a difficult position, you made the right choices -- though it required personal sacrifice.
I commend you heartily.
You are not someone who plays life out as a drama to others (as your divorcing/divorced wife did and probably still does). That is your choice. I think it is a good choice.
There is no "justice". You know that. There won't be rewards in an tangible sense. Your retirement may involve some struggles that otherwise might have been avoided. Who knows?
But you will be able to look back at a life well-lived. It seems to me that you have done what you have done to benefit your child and not for personal rewards because you are wired to make better choices than most people.
You child is very likely to carry that ethic into the world.
Thank you.