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I Love My Dog Because He's a Huge Jerk

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Lindsay Patton Carson
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I was absolutely clueless when my husband and I adopted Bowie. Before he came into our lives, I had no clue what his breed -- a puggle -- was. What a stupid name, right?

If I had done research, I would find out that a puggle is a 'designer dog' (blech) and a combination of breeding a beagle and a pug. Naturally, they get traits from both breeds. They have a beagle's nose and busybody behavior and a pug's stubbornness. Great.

My lack of preparation is not necessarily because I was careless. At nine months old, Bowie was going to be shipped back the the Humane Society for a third time. Being suckers, my husband and I refused to let that happen and made the impulse decision that yep, we're getting a dog now.

We learned about Bowie's personality pretty quick. When he was younger, he just wouldn't sit down. He was into everything. The harder it was to get into something, the better for Bowie. While he's calmed down in his four years, he still never turns down a challenge.

I think the reason why I love Bowie so much is because of his huge personality and independence. He's always making me laugh and I have yet to find a better cuddler than him. He's the perfect blend of adorable and attitude.

And then there are the stories. So many Bowie stories. So many that I've compiled the top reasons why Bowie is a huge jerk. And I love him for all of them.

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He Humps His Brother Until His Penis Hits the Floor

Bowie humps his brother on a daily basis, but there are times when he humps so hard that his penis gets huge and almost touches the floor. The first time this happened, I freaked out. I had never seen it get that big. I had no idea where the little guy was storing it. It took a while to get back into his body, too. I was so concerned that the next time I took him to the vet, I asked her about it. She just ignored me. I guess this is common in dogs. How would I know, vet!?

He Doesn't Listen

Bowie knows what "No" means, he just decides to ignore it. He also understands "Drop it!" but just continues to go about his business, chewing a giant hole in the crotch of my underwear. Wait. He does listen, but only when I say "Want to eat?" or "Does Bowie want to go for a run?"

He Eats Poop

Not only does he eat poop, but he especially loves it in the winter when it becomes turdcicles. We'll look outside to see his head buried in the snow only to come up with with a white face chomping on "snacks." On special occasions, it will get too cold for him and he'll bring his snack inside, mid-chew. Gross.

He Harasses Other Dogs

I have the hardest time taking Bowie for walks or runs because as soon as he sees another dog, he goes into psycho-bully mode. He starts barking and yelping so much that it actually sounds like I'm torturing him. He's like that kid at the mall who screams "You're hurting me!!" when the parent is pulling on their arm. When this happens to me, we get some pretty dirty looks. People in my neighborhood have even come up to us when he's behaving and said condescendingly, "Oh. That's the dog that always barks at my dog." Yeah. It is. Now move along.

He Outsmarts Me

I never thought I was dumb enough to be outsmarted by a dog. That was until I met Bowie, who is an evil genius. There are dogs who are smart because they are fast learners and listen to commands. And then there's Bowie, who is too smart for his own good, and my own good. We'll see him dash under the bed with a sock in his mouth and wonder where he got it from. Oh, it's from a previously zipped backpack or duffel bag that Bowie learned how to completely unzip. He also knows we can't fit under the bed very well, so whenever he has something he knows he's not supposed to, that's his go-to spot.

He's Made Grown Men Cry

Two to be exact.

He's a Beer Snob

We live in West Michigan, where there is basically a microbrewery in everyone's basement, so we drink craft beer. When we finish the bottle, we let Bowie lick the inside. In the meantime, he's an impatient little turd, pawing at the bottle and our hands, trying to get at the beer. Except when it's domestic beer. We learned this when we took him to my dad's house and pulled some domestic bottles out of the fridge. When my husband was finished with his, he put it up to Bowie, who then sniffed it, let out an exasperated "Pffft!" and turned his head away. We tried it again. Same thing. My dad then brought out a bottle of craft beer and Bowie was suddenly happy.

He Peed on Kids

Our next-door neighbors run an in-house daycare. When it's nice, they let the kids play outside, where they immediately start feeding Bowie sticks and leaves through the fence. My husband and I have told them multiple times not to do it. I even told them if they did it again, I would walk over and feed them leaves. That worked for about a day. That was until they pissed Bowie off. He was outside one day and the kids were at it again. They fed him sticks first, which he loves. When they ran out of sticks, they switched over to leaves. Bowie wasn't havin' these leaves. So what did he do? Only the next logical thing. He lifted his leg toward the fence and started peeing. He peed on the kids. The kids started screaming and running back toward the house yelling, "He's peeing! He's peeing!" Those suckers haven't been to our side of the fence ever since.