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7 Guys You Should Break Up With, Stat

02/22/2015 11:24 am ET | Updated Apr 24, 2015

Rejection is no joke. No laughing matter. It hurts. And it hurts like hell. The brutal, paralyzing effects of rejection can penetrate even the biggest, strongest of egos. But one type in particular seems to rock us to the core; making us question everything we thought we once knew -- rejection from the opposite sex.

With all of the monumental heartache, building insecurities and irreparable damage that presents itself after such said rejection, there are still certain instances when you should welcome it -- actually, you should count your lucky stars that you dodged this destructive bullet and the Gods above threw you a bone.

Here are seven guys I wouldn't mind getting the ol' boot from; and neither should you.

1. The Modern-Day Indiana Jones

This adrenaline junkie is never satisfied... even if he climbs Mount Everest in the middle of January, naked, with a broken ankle. He's always fixating on his next "journey" instead of focusing on being happy where he is, or building a place and a life to come home to after these grandiose adventures. The word "contentment" sits right next to the word "plague" in his action-packed dictionary of manliness. I'm extremely wary of any man who cannot stay put. "I don't know where I'm going to be in the next month." Like, really? Where are you going to be? Riding a camel in Abu Dhabi, caught in a sand storm, drinking from a cactus? Don't misunderstand me; go, enjoy life, have your adventures. But enjoy the quiet moments, share your life with someone and maintain a balance. Or, don't. Either way, safe travels.

2. Singin'-The-Blues Guy

Oh, for the love of God, we get it. She broke your heart. Tore it into tiny pieces. Stomped on it, put it in a blender, drank it, threw it up and fed it to the dog. I sound insensitive. But that's simply because I can't stand to see women use up all of their sympathy and energy trying to help this guy see the light. Spoiler alert on this horror novel -- he never sees the light, and you die a slow, horrible, gut-wrenching death. Heartbreak happens to everyone, even Edward Cullen (an irresistibly sexy, immortal, glittering vampire) -- but any man who spends his time brooding in a dark cave after a period of six months needs help that you cannot provide. Next chapter, please.

3. The Self-Proclaimed Bill Gates

This guy simply has no time for a relationship. He has two things on his mind -- success and money. If you stay quiet enough and agree not to have too many opinions that rattle his highly focused brain, then he may let you tip-toe around his lavish modern Manhattan apartment. Motivation is a great thing, but obsession, no matter what form, is a recipe for disaster. Most likely, if this guy were to take his passion off his career and place it onto you, you'd be running for the hills. Sometimes being successful is just having a rich life, full of love, family, friends and just plain old happiness. Jeez! Haven't you ever seen The Notebook?! This guy can laugh all the way to the bank -- by himself.

4. Mama's Boy

Dude... moms are the best. We know this. They pushed you out of a very small hole for 15 hours, wiped your ass for years and always had your favorite food waiting for you when you got home. And sure, at the age of 30, it would be fantastic to just let your mother continue to cook and do your laundry while you're living in her basement, but the truth is, it's completely unattractive. Get out there, be independent and let the world kick your ass like it does everyone else's. You'll be a better man for it, and your future woman will appreciate it. Or, live at home and marry your mother. I don't know what to tell you.

5. Inspector Gadget

This guy will go to the ends of the earth and back to uncover every bit of information he can about your life. He'll check your phone while you're sleeping, hack into your email account, interrogate you incessantly about that one night stand you had when you were 18 and ask you incredibly detailed questions about your whereabouts until you're sweating from unmentionable places. And the problem is, he's so damn good at his Sherlock Holmes routine that you begin to question your sanity. Shit, was I really at the store for 25 minutes, or was it 22? The only way this relationship is going to work is if he comes with a lifetime supply of wine and Xanax. Case closed.

6. Arnold Schwarzenegger

The only thing this guy is committed to is "bis and tris" day at the gym. His meals are all prepped and planned out, he has a rigorous workout schedule, he's cranky as shit if he doesn't eat every two hours, he uses hashtags like #nodaysoff or #noexcuses and he's officially named all eight of his abs. "Hey, at least it's a healthy addiction," says every vein-bulging weightlifter. Sorry to break it to you, but it's an addiction nonetheless. And without his fix, he will be downright unpleasant. Hasta la vista, baby. I surely hope you won't be back.

7. "Ya Know, I Work On My Hair a Long Time and You Hit It. He Hits My Hair" - Tony Manero, Saturday Night Fever

Put the razor down. Stop the shaving of your body parts. I can't take it anymore. Why are your legs smoother than mine? I can't breathe because you just used 17 hair products and are contributing to the depletion of our ozone layer. Why do you own a plethora of flavored ChapSticks? Why can't you just wear an old pair of ripped, paint-splattered jeans while you're chopping wood in the backyard wearing no shirt, your chest glistening from sweat... never mind, that was a dream I had. But, while all of you are lusting after Cristiano Ronaldo, I'm over here like uh, have you seen his eyebrows? Even if you did reject me, at least I'd come away with valuable knowledge on how to treat my cuticles. *Air kisses.*

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