"Selfish" is a dirty word for most of us. The dictionary defines selfish as: "devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interests, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others."
The women I know wouldn't fit this definition and most aim to stay far away from it ... even if it means ignoring their own needs, desires and, often times, their health.
Some would argue against this, but I believe it's in women's DNA to comfort others. However, it becomes a problem when we give too much. When we stretch our forever-opened arms too wide and realize that we can't take on anymore. When the tsunami of other people's needs finally overtakes us and we lose ourselves.
And then what?
Do we take "happy pills" so that we can get through our days, our weeks ... our lives? Does alcohol become our comforter? Do we abandon all that is near and dear to us for a shot at fulfillment ... and dare I say, passion?
There are no easy answers, but surely wallowing in daily sorrow is far worse than being selfish.
It is not that we aren't reminded that we need to take care of ourselves before we can care for others. At just about every woman's retreat, a speaker includes the analogy of the oxygen masks that fall during a flight in distress. We are told that although our natural instinct is to first put the masks on our children or loved ones, we must start by putting it on ourselves so that we will be able to adequately assist them.
We know this, yet still find it hard to take the time to get our own breath of fresh air. We feel guilty doing what makes us happy. We don't want to make anyone mad lest they stop loving us or leave. We put up with crap (and yes we know it's crap) because we are afraid of change. Bottom line -- we don't stand up for ourselves and demand that our needs are met because that would be considered selfish!
Now, let me step back and say this is not a referendum on marriage or parenthood. There are plenty of single, childless women who also give too much of themselves to others and suffer the consequences. Women of all stripes have a problem with saying NO!
It is far too easy to blame others for our "give too much" predicament. We can point our fingers at the spouse who never helps around the house, the kids that expect us to meet their every whim, or the boss who considers us always available. And let's not forget our parents, siblings, coworkers and friends who demand our time and attention. Yes, it is easier to blame them than to admit there are times when we'd rather be doing what we want than what they want. To us, this is selfish.
Sometimes those close to us may indeed make us feel guilty for not "being there" for them or doing what they want us to do. This is just human nature and is still not an excuse for putting ourselves at risk of physical and/or mental exhaustion.
Nevertheless, this "give too much" syndrome is something we have to take ownership of ourselves. If we don't, we let resentment build up until we either explode or leave (one way or the other).
Over the years, I have seen that women who give too much don't necessarily fare well as they age. They may end up alone, tired, frustrated and broke. We have to teach our young women to selfishly look out after their own interests, both financially and emotionally. We need to teach our sons this also. No able-bodied person should be totally dependent on another person to cook and clean for them, pay their bills, fight their battles, or be their "everything!"
Wouldn't it be better to be a little more selfish? I'm not saying abandoning our obligations (family, work, community) but, we all need time and activities for ourselves in order to grow and thrive. Or, maybe just to relax and sleep!
I heard a woman say recently that she wouldn't mind checking into a hospital (with a very minor illness of course) so that she could rest and have someone to take care of her for a change. I am convinced that illnesses among women (real or imagined) are often caused by the body reaching its capacity for care giving, or the mind revolting from having its own thoughts and desires dismissed in favor of someone else's.
It seems the women who do best in life are those who acknowledge their needs, honor their own perspective and adapt to changing circumstances. If they have to change jobs; go back to school or work; move to another location; or strike out on their own, they do it. They still love others, but they love themselves more -- enough to not compromise their own physical and mental well-being. They understand the importance of being healed and whole. They are then able to love others as they love themselves.
Selfish? Maybe ... but probably the best way to live.
"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary." Steve Jobs
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Becoming 'More Selfish' implies looking out after one's own interests more so than one is currently doing. I'm okay with this.
Actually, the hardest line for me to write was: "They still love others, but they love themselves more..." Like most parents I KNOW I love my children more than I love myself. Herein lies the problem....we must take care of ourselves if we are to be of any use to them.
Thanks for all comments!!!
Here's what you do, get your visa papers in order, hop a flight and go live in the Middle East, and don't let the Western World borders hit you on the way out.
Since men and children are the primary recipients of womens selflessness, the most caring thing we men can do is to remove ourselves from the equation. That's the advice I give my sons.
How many women from around the world have you personally interacted with on an intimate basis to truly know their nature, before you make that statement about USA women? Have you lived, and traveled outside of the U.S.? And if men are so giving, why are they failing as a collective when it comes to marriages? Women are filing for divorce 70% of the time. And if a person is constantly giving, and giving, who gives to them? Is it reciprocal? Does the well ever run out? Who gives to the giver? Are people expected to go through life just giving all the time? Do you give to every person that has their hand out? Who replenishes the well? A person who constantly gives but doesn't take care of themselves is on a fast track to burn out. But spoiled little boys in grown men's bodies always look to women to put them first and give to them like their mommies did while they do very little to reciprocate.
Traditionally, many of the pressures discussed were handed over to men. Women said things like, "take it up with my husband" or "Honey go and discipline the kids..."
Men provided windows for women to return back to their radiant feminine core at least for a few hours each day. Now more women are forced to remain inside their masculine energy 24/7. Women told men that they no longer had a role. Now unhappiness and depression in woman has reached an all time high.
Mental conditions with women continue to increase. This is because masculine energy requires so much rigid logic. Women no longer have time to return to their source. Many therapist report that women have difficulty shutting off their masculine.
Women "were" living longer because they didn't have to dive into masculine energy for so long. Women are now discovering why men die sooner. Get your BOTOX ladies because continual stress will bring rapid wrinkles and hair loss.
Feminism reduced women to nothing more than sex objects. I can remember when the smile from a woman could turn your whole day around because of their power to create in the world. Now spend a day sitting in the mall and watch their faces, women seem so burned out and unhappy.
When will you women learn that WOMEN are WOMEN's worst enemy...NOT men.
Shouldn't you have better things to do than spending a whole day sitting in a mall people watching? Don't you have a job or something or a life? Are you trying to pick up women in the mall when you don't get the 'smile' response you want, it's the woman's problem? Could be she's not interested in you and thinks you're weird. I know after reading your post, my first thought was, what is this dude high on with all this creepy psychedelic nonsense about masculine and feminine energy..What ever it is, that must be some strong $hyt lol .
However, I also see many unhappy women -- married and single!! Too many women who are tired and unappreciated but feel guilty about taking time for themselves. Too many women suffering because they are spreading themselves too thin. Too many women who are miserable but afraid to change their situation.
It is not about men...it is about women getting healthy physically and mentally,
THANK YOU!!!! Can women talk about their needs, without men barging in and trying to take over the conversation and turn it around to be about them. Is it any wonder women are so unhappy? When they do try to eek out conversation for themselves to discuss their need for a healthy emotional physical and mental state, here comes the men trying to silence her voice and discount and invalidate her needs. Wow. These men really need to get a clue.
Plus, without men commenting on these articles, you wouldn't anyone to snark at.
It is not about men...it is about women getting healthy physically and mentally, "
SAY IT AGAIN! It is about women getting healthy physically and mentally. Yes indeed!
Why is this just a woman's issue? I'm a man--I know very few men who do this.
Why is this just a woman's issue? I'm a man--I know very few men who do this.
None of that addresses women taking time out for themselves. You are talking about women doing 'work things'. And the reason it is a woman's issue is because it is in the Women's section of Huff Post, written by a woman with the subject being about a woman's need to take care of her self mentally/physically/emotionally. The subject is about women. Why do men have such a problem with women focusing on themselves and talking exclusively about their needs? Why do they want to invade the conversation and make it be about them. Guys have their exclusive men's club, their men cave. Can't women have their own section and own article that talks about 'them' without men invading their space trying to turn the conversation around to them? Dang! Men act like babies , me, me, me... which is the selfishness.
However I was explaining to him how its about the fact that we can have it all. Have our cake and eat it too. We can have the job, the man, the sex, the pampering, salary, everything.
I personally wonder if I've been too selfish within my life at the expense of my love life. I think I've been questioning this because the guy I was with most recently was very intimidated by my lack of reliance on him. He wanted someone to coddle, etc. Its nice to feel needed, but I'm just not that way.
(If you can't tell I'm relatively new in the mature dating scene. Been in and out of relationships, and I'm in my mid 20's, just dating around, really figuring myself out)
You shouldn't feel there is anything wrong with you because you didn't 'fit in with what that guy wanted. A lot of times men want women to rely on them not because they want to coddle, but that's code word for 'control'. This is why men have such a hard time with women who are independent, confident, self assured, and have a healthy self esteem. Men know women like that can't be controlled by them and won't easily fall for their 'jedi mind trick games they like to play on women. Women like that tend to usually not be 'desperate to seek a man's approval, and beg to have a man love them. She likes men but she lets them know she likes herself more and if he acts a fool, he gets left. Men don't like that.So they try to make the women feel she is somehow lacking..when it's really him who is lacking. A strong confident man secure within himself wouldn't be put off by a woman who has her 'ish together inside and out. In fact that inspires him to ascend to her level, not try to drag her down to his.
This statement has burnt numerous women before you. You can have any man you want, but can you keep him? Come back to this statement when you are in your thirties.
I live in the D.C. area where intelligent and successful females are a dime a dozen. You usually hear them talk about men being intimidated by their success (maybe they should look at the kind of men they are attracting), without any acknowledgement that they are quite deficient in areas that have nothing to do with their 'success'.
Myself, and quite a number of my friends have enough stories about female dates that won't stop chattering about their accomplishments (I thought this was the sole preserve of shallow men). It's a pity that the 3rd or maybe the 4th generation of feminists have become materially successful, while at the same time becoming less interesting.
"Not here to bash women but your "have my cake and eat it too" Women's lib stuff is the height of selfishness. "
Typical spoiled self centered males want to turn this topic about women taking time to pamper themselves to be about them. These type of males can be so needy and will drain a woman dry. They can't stand when a woman talks about taking time for herself. And they don't want her to do anything nice for herself, and they sure as heck aren't going to do anything nice for their women. Everything has to be about them. They come all the way over to the woman's section to whine about women taking time for themselves and attempt to turn the focus around to them and 'their issues. They always want women to put their needs ahead of her own and to only concentrate on them. Not once did they address the article or advocate for women to do something nice for themselves. Women need to steer clear of big whiny babies like these males.
The comment was just about "traditional" gender roles in male sacrificing. I also am not sure but it seems that its much less common for men to have multiple jobs to support children than for women due to single mothers, and custody issues.
I personally love that us women today can "have our cake and eat it too"
I have a great life, and since this didn't apply to you, if you know you aren't this type of male, why are you responding? Is it a knee jerk reaction or something? And we're not talking about providing for the kids. (Once again men fail to recognize the needs of women). I guess they think providing for the kids automatically means he is meeting the needs of the woman.. Not so. That's the problem. Far too many men don't even know how to show love and support to the woman. How many of them work 2 or 3 jobs so the woman can be pampered on occasion? So she can enjoy a beauty spa, a trip now and then. Men think it's wrong to spoil women. And this article talks about women need to stop feeling guilty because a male dominated society makes her feel guilty if she is for once, putting her needs above a husband and her children.
Steve Jobs quote:'"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. "
Exactly which is why I shun religious dogma and shun religion.
Well talk about the article then.
If you tell women to be selfish you also create selfish men. The cycle of dysfunction goes on and on. Go to a community of selfish people and you will see the damage. Go to a community of unselfish people where everyone supports each other, it's a much better place to live.
Well get off this article and you go on over to that community of unselfish people then and stop trying to tell others who want to take care of themselves for a change to stop being selfish. Nobody 'creates selfish men' Men who are selfish are that way all on their own. And you deliberately miss the point of the article that you probably didn't even bother to read. All you're doing is over here whiniing because you want women to focus on you as a man. As I said before, men can't stand it when women don't make them the center of her world. If you're so disgusted that women on this thread topic are advocating doing for themselves and promoting their own healthy physical and mental selves, get off this article about women. The author already said her article isn't about men, it's about women and you keep trying to make it be about men.
Being selfish and taking care of one's self are not necessarily the same, but they often feel the same in terms of the resulting guilt.
Unfortunately men haven't found that middle level yet and with this current political climate of men treating women as 'property where they get to tell her what to do with her body again him Getting Everything and attempting to rule everything, doesn't look like they will find middle ground any time soon.
And men who have had their cake and eaten it to since the inception of this country? Men who set up the rules of society and have had things their way for eons and only within the last 50 years grudgingly granted (after a court battle) rights to women.. What does that make you? The supersize height of selfishness? Male privilege?
Men are 10 times more likely to end up in prison 4 times more likely to commit suicide, die years earlier, are 10 times more likely to die on the job, 1000 times more likely to die on the battlefield and the list goes on. They also make up the vast majority of the homeless. Being a man is not easy.
I am all for womens rights and equal rights. I am tired of hearing about how women have this and that when in general men get screwed in a divorce and men get screwed healthwise in life sacrificing for the family.
Grow up. You want equal rights and it should be equal. With the good come the downsides - health issues and time issues. Everyone wants the good without the bad. The world is not like that - deal with it.
Just know this old lady feminist sees your honest point. Good day - have one!
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Stop messing up your marriages and then you won't find yourself getting screwed in a divorce. Act right to your wives.
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/women-cheating-men-study/story?id=13885519
For women truly as described above they absolutely need to find some time for themselves or find something that they do simply for themselves. Let your mom watch the kids so your husband can take you out and spoil you a little. I think that some women make the mistake of not being able to let go. A woman I know has two sons both older than the girl we use to watch our 3 and 5 year olds. If they are sick she misses work to take care of them. She only works part time so she is there when they get home from school. She often times seems overwhelmed by things which she should be able to handle. Clearly she needs to learn to let go a little. Yet she doesn't for whatever reason.
Sometimes people are their own worst enemies when it comes to their own happiness. They don't enjoy the good aspects of where they are now. They are single, but want to be married. They are married, but want to have kids. They have kids, but .... . Why focus on what is lacking? Something is always lacking because no situation is perfect. If you want to be happy want what you have and take the time to enjoy it.
Let your husband watch his kids so she can enjoy a girls night out. How about that. Or how about the husband stepping up and watching 'his kids more often on the regular. Many women would love that. If only husbands would do more of the active parenting, maybe these women would have more time for themselves. Often women do too much, because men do too little and have proven to be less than reliable when the woman asks him to do something. Or he sits back and waits to be asked instead of taking the initiative to do what needs doing like she does.
Women don't do too much , men don't do too little. We are individuals. Enough with the stereotyping.
The 'man' doth protest too much, methinks. Lol Rather than give examples of how your wife has pampered herself without her family (including you) being involved, you just ranted and got defensive. Maybe I hit a nerve. It doesn't take rocket science to figure you out. A man who pampered his wife, would not be so defensive, and would readily cite some examples of what she did, but you still have yet to do that.