05/26/2009 05:12 am ET | Updated May 25, 2011

Jumbo Jets Tax Jumbo Passengers

I'd like to discuss the "rights" of the obese. It was reported that airlines will charge more when tubbies find it hard to be seated and situated on airline flights. "United Airlines says it will start charging passengers who can't fit in a single seat, can't properly buckle the seat belt using an extender, or who can't put the arm rests down when they're seated." A tax on the discomfiting of the discomforted.

And it's about time. Not the taxation aspect, but the dissuasion of the enormous to sit next to me.

I'll go so far as to advocate special airplanes and flights for the inordinately large, viz. fat, tall or otherwise huge. C-130 Hercules flights with bench seats for the inordinately-sized, a great idea as far as I'm concerned. Just don't sit next to me and ooze over the armrest.

You know that metal container next to check-in designed so that airline passengers must fit carry-on(s) into lest they check same as regular luggage, stowed in the aircraft's belly. I've a similar idea: a silhouette mural that passengers must fit into before they're allowed on a flight. Much like the height cut-out that kids are measured against before being permitted to go on an amusement ride. If an elephantine frequent flier can't fit 'tween the silhouette's borders, sorry, Charlie. And I'm not saying charge them more. Kick them off. Let's have separate fleets for the porcine. Why?

It all began as a twisted dream.

Because they interfere with the tacitly guaranteed covenant of the unencumbered flight. I want the space-limited travelers on their own flight or section of the plane, perhaps steerage. You wouldn't tolerate sitting in a seat where the overhead bin was inches from your head. You wouldn't be expected to travel in a seat with no legroom. Why would anyone be expected to sit next to Andre the Giant? Cross-country, no less. It is a matter of discrimination: they, both Fatty Arbuckle and the carrier, are discriminating against you. Nothing personal.

No, I don't care if they pay more. In fact, let them fly for free anywhere but near me. A fortiori, if their fat pours over the seat rest into my area and jurisdiction, this is unacceptable. They are to move to the jumbo section.

Southwest Airlines has even enumerated their travel policy rules most succinctly. Here's a particular favorite of mine.

Won't this be embarrassing to the large Customer and the Employee?

It's tough to speak privately in an airport setting, and because a discussion about size is sensitive, we've cautioned our Employees to use discretion. Yes, it's difficult to deliver or receive a sensitive message, and to alleviate confusion, we encourage Customers with unique seating needs to proactively purchase additional seating (again, this is to notify us of the unique need). We ask this to accommodate our Customers in comfort and avoid embarrassing conversation. Ultimately, it is the Customer's responsibility to communicate with us upfront (at the time of booking) about his/her seating needs so that we may best serve him/her and all others onboard.

Let me also suggest that the sadists who design airline seats share blame as well. That's why they should be tortured via rendition to Guantánamo instanter. Likewise, their design counterparts, those sick bastards who designed Broadway theater seats should suffer a similar fate. Those heartless psychopaths who designed the scooped seating in New York subways deserve a fate worse than death. So they are to blame. Let me throw in bus seats also. Have you ever been on Greyhound from Philly (better yet, Camden) to the NY Port Authority? Think outtakes from Borat.

"Mr. Watson, come here. I want to see you."

But if I can be told to turn my cellphone off because it bothers theater patrons, if I can be told to be quiet and refrain from unwrapping cellophane or speaking during movies because that would interfere with the covenant of quiet enjoyment that ticket holders enjoy, then why in the name of Zeus must I suffer from the discomfort that extremely large people cause in extremely tight spaces? Let me repeat, if they're reed thin but eight feet tall and such gigantism interferes with my comfort, they should be tossed, jettisoned and provided larger accommodations.

I don't want them to pay more, I want them off. And the same goes for the loud, obstreperous, flatulent, rude, smelly, fetid or anyone who possesses any miscellaneous source of perturbation and annoyance. Sayonara. This is not about discrimination, all you Rosa Parks wannabes. See what happens when these Lulu Romans try bungee jumping or spelunking. Did you ever hear about a fat tunnel rat during Nam? You never see them whitewater rafting or kayaking. You get my point.

No hard feelings, no disrespect. But, buh-bye.