Parenting often means running out of hands. Not only as in "I only have two of them, and I have three children," but also, like Tevye in "Fiddler on the Roof," when he does the "on the one hand, on the other hand" game while trying to solve his ever more difficult parenting dilemmas.
A few weeks ago, writer Eleni Gage caused an uproar with an essay about her decision to pierce her 6-month-old daughter's ears. For her, the "one hand" was her husband's family tradition, and the other was her own ambivalence about wanting to allow the girl to make that choice for herself, and the third was the outrage of the internet, where, she wrote in a follow-up essay, she was "called self-satisfied, low-class, controlling, shallow, sexist, smug, priggish, crazed, repulsive, creepy, trashy, frivolous, provincial, disgusting, and just plain horrible."
Today , on the Modern Parenthood blog of The Christian Science Monitor, Judy Bolton-Fasman has advanced the dilemma by more than a decade and moved it to the center of the face. Her 16-year-old has lobbied for a nose piercing for two years, she writes, and her parents "hands" were their dislike of the look, their Jewish tradition which definitely forbids tattoos -- but may or may not forbid piercings -- and their daughter's insistence that she be allowed to establish her own identity.
Yes, they got to the "I will be 18 soon and can do what I please" argument that hovers over nearly every conversation between teens and their parents. And it was a roundabout version of that argument that eventually swayed her Mom and Dad, but only because Anna used it not to threaten her parents but rather to turn them to mush.
For two years Anna begged, argued, and yes, threw mild tantrums all in the name of establishing her own identity. She tried to highlight the fact that she would be 18 sooner rather than later and wouldn't need our permission to pierce any part of her body. To her credit, she also said that she wouldn't go ahead with the piercing at any age if Ken ultimately objected. When he heard that he got choked up and gave in to his little girl.
I have two sons. I've never had to decide whether to pierce an infants ears, nor have they ever asked to do so on their own. But I have never seen pierced ears as a line in the sand. If they'd wanted to, or if it were my husband's tradition, why not?
Pierced nose, on the other hand? That would make me a little uncomfortable. Is that the way they want the world to see them? Full nose ring? That's a hand too far. Tattoos? Forget about it.
Looking at my ranked list of body decor, I realize that the differences are not actual ones, but rather measures of my own perceptions. (Okay, the tattoos are permanent while the others aren't, so I feel particularly justified in that distinction.) Still, I find them hard to shake.
As Tevye eventually said, after he compromised, and bent and adjusted for most of the film, sometimes there is no other hand.
And yet...
Where are your parenting lines? How often have you changed them?
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I like to do a lot of research before I do anything (buying a coffee maker is like a 2 week process for me) so it was natural for me to do a lot of research about piercings, complications, and where to go before I got my nose pierced. Not everyone will put as much thought into their piercings, and for that reason, I think it's important that if your child brings it up-- at least they should be informed! I know people who have rebelled... and gone out against their parents wishes and got tattoos or piercings at sketchy parlors that don't ID. Trust me... it would be way more worth it to allow your child to get a piercing, and help guide them safely... than to say no, and they rebel, going to a sketchy shop because they heard that the piercer won't ask their age, and wind up with AIDS or Hep C.
As for the nose... I don't have any kids, but I'm sure I'd put my foot down and say "not until you are 18 and will pay for it yourself with your own money". Navel - it can be hidden so I think that's fine, but again I would say wait until they were I think 16, because before then your body is still growing.
There is someone I am acquainted with you has two holes on his head, next to his eye - i think he had an eyebrow piercing when he was younger and his skin moved. Way back when I was in highschool, a girl laughed about her brother who had a tattoo put onto his wrist when he was 14, and as he got older, it ended up stretching and moving closer to his elbow (as the skin stretched to accommodate bone growth underneath).
http://www.amber-hinds.com
I'll admit - I won't be quite as enthused about a tattoo. But as long as she carefully considers the placement with what she hopes to do for a career, it'll not really be my business. And it'll be fine.
"manipulation of a dumb male"syndrome.Twas ever thus.
There were many other such things: 2 of my sons wanted to dress in black a lot. They were not into the goth thing, but just liked black. Since it was something they could take off once they changed their minds, I didn't object.
One son told me he wanted to dye his hair black. I called the school to see if there was any problem. It was not against school rules, so I told him I'd drive him to the drug store to buy some color. At that point, he didn't want to any more.
Good luck with this. I think parents today have a much harder time of it than I did a while ago.
As far as pierced ears, I guess we'll wait until she can ask and is capable of cleaning them herself...probably around 10 or 12. I'm not really into piercing babies and little girls ears since I think earrings are intended to make a woman more attractive and are not really much different from decorating oneself with makeup. But, I don't really care if other people do it and I don't make class assumptions like many of the commenters on Mrs. Gage's post.
http://www.amber-hinds.com
My daughter and I both got our first tattoos together shortly after her 18th birthday