If you are the parent of a high school senior, this is only secondarily the Holiday Season. It is, front and center, the College Season. The jolliness of your mood might well depend on what news your child did or didn't receive in an Early Decision letter the past week or so, and whether the dozen or so applications they will likely be filing by the turn of the year are anywhere near finished by now.
"The letter from Vanderbilt said it was the MOST COMPETITIVE application year EVER," the woman in the high end boutique crowed to her friend. Her son had just gotten in. And the fact that he'd beaten the highest odds EVER was a point of pride to his mom. Of course that EVER has been true of every school for every year in at least the past decade. It just keeps getting more competitive. And parents keep taking it more personally.
My parents never used the word "we" when talking about the process. My son is a senior this year, and I have slipped more than once.
I hereby vow to stop.
Every social and economic trend of the past two decades -- the laudable goal of diversity; the equalizing role of the internet in bringing schools to the attention of kids who might have otherwise stayed close to home; the stunning role of the best endowed schools of allowing low-income students to graduate without debt; the unexpected consequences of the Common Application which lets students apply with much less effort to far more schools; the regrettable arms race when it comes to extracurricular activities and test scores; the inexcusable game playing by many schools to attract as many applicants as they can so they can reject them and boost the all important selectivity score -- all these have joined forces to make our children believe that their life is a race and the "best" college is the finish line.
As parents, we can control none of the above. What we can control is the message we send, and because our kids are smart (just LOOK at their transcripts!) they will know whether we are telling them the truth or just patronizing them. So we have to believe it ourselves when we say that the bumper sticker on our car and the logo on their sweatshirt is not the measure of anything. Because the fact is they will be who they become because of who they are not where they go.
In the Washington Post last week, psychologist Lynn Field flipped an unspoken assumption on its head and suggested that it is BAD parenting to push your child to do their best, and aim high and take those SATs one more time because "you can do better." Our kids see through that, she says. They know what we REALLY mean:
In a black-and-white way of looking at things, we have come to believe that only the top-top students succeed by getting in to the college of their choosing. The others? They are left to muddle through and even perhaps -- gasp! -- go to a community college.As a mental health provider who works with teenagers, I find it heartbreaking to see the effect of this myth on the psyches of high schoolers. Any doubt about the power of negative thinking is banished by sitting across from a teen whose stomach is in a knot because his or her self-worth is tied to a GPA or wrapped up in the name of a college.
But, but, but...you sputter. (Or maybe that is me sputtering. Old habits die hard.) What about their FUTURE? What if all they do is lie around playing video games because we aren't pushing them? And isn't it true that the "best" school will get them furthest in life? Aren't I helping them by making them see that?
Field again:
As educators, parents, psychologists and counselors, we need to encourage teenagers to do their best for themselves -- and often this can mean setting their sights on a good-enough school. The fact of the matter is, no matter what school you attend, you can get the education you desire.
Which I really do believe. Now I need to figure out how to stop sending the message that I don't.
How are you weathering the college application process at your house? Any advice on how to ratchet down the angst?
2) The best piece of advice I ever got about the college application process was to make a weekly appointment with my child to discuss the process. During that hour (say Sunday evening from 8 to 9) I can ask about the status of tests, applications, etc. They can ask me whatever as well. But, outside of that time I was not going to talk with them about it. I wanted to give them a place where they could talk about other things going on in their lives. I STRONGLY encourage parents of college applicants to use this appointment method. It really saves wear and tear on the child's psyche as well as yours.
I'm not sure what the article intends by "good enough".
Bart Schuster
OnlineGraduateSchool.tripod.com
Twitter.com/arrive2_net
To say, "many schools [strive] to attract as many applicants as they can so they can reject them and boost the all important selectivity score" is to perpetuate a baseless (if comforting) myth.
In reality, selective colleges (as an alumnus of one, I interviewed Ivy League applicants for nearly a quarter century) routinely receive huge numbers of applications from students--as reflected in grades, aptitude and achievement test results, extracurricular choices, accomplishments, writing samples, and even recommendation letters--objectively unable to flourish in an exceptionally rigorous academic environment. Each such school also receives roughly three times as many applications from fully-qualified students as there are places at the school. Admission offers are made with, among other things, geographic and socio-economic diversity in mind.
Highly regarded liberal arts colleges--whether independent or part of a huge university--challenge their students to think critically, analytically and independently; impose meaningful course requirements on them; and establish reputations not through rejection letters, but through the consequent accomplishments of their graduates, who go on to earn advanced degrees, innovate, teach and even win Nobel prizes.
The "good-enough" school is an exercise in mediocrity. The "best-possible" school is not.
The bottom line is, we wanted him to apply to a full range of schools because you just don't know what will catch the admissions officer's eye. There isn't a single school on his list he wouldn't enjoy attending, many of which he's already visited--his list, btw, not ours.
Additional thoughts on the topic of K-12 and HigherEd at:
http://stevemahoney1.blogspot.com/
My son's a high school senior. On Dec. 13, he got a deferment letter from an elite school and was crushed (even though he's still in the running). On Dec. 14 he got his acceptance to a big state university where many of his friends are planning to attend, and he was thrilled. (It was an amazing turnaround -- shows the true resiliency of young people.)
He's still applying to a few more "reach" schools, but seems very much okay with staying in-state.
If I had to give any advice or perspective to parents, it's this: Your son or daughter will get out of college what is put in. You can go to Ivy school and come out with little more than debt and an impressive credential on your resume. You can go to a state school and come out with an amazing education, internships and more.
Make a list of the positive aspects of each school your child is considering. If they don't get into one school, they can at least see the upside of a school they do get into.
I also think it's really important to visit schools if you can afford it. I took my son on a tour of colleges last spring break and it was as much about eliminating possibilities as it was confirming choices. Really helps if your kid can see themselves on a particular campus. My son really had an aversion to schools located in big cities--too much hustle and bustle for him--and really liked schools with more traditional campuses. Sounds silly, but it really helped him narrow the potential pool of applications he planned to submit.
If they want to go to a "name" school, they can do so as a graduate student.
Having been through this process as recently as last year (and the decisions rolling in during March and April), it becomes a "we" when parents are implicitly expected to foot the bill for all those applications, for college visits, and then filling out FAFSA, CSS and other financial documents which keep us knee-deep in forms during January and February.
None of it is simple any longer. We all need to think long and hard about what makes sense and what is reasonable, and allow our sons and daughters to do so as well.
So, the truth is, if the valedictorian--or someone very nearly like it--doesn't get into those top schools, you have to wonder if staying up until 2 a.m. every night to complete your AP course homework, and running yourself ragged with extra-curriculars is a smart thing to do. That where the diminishing returns comes in. Wouldn't it be "best" to take a challenging, but not crushing, load and go to a very respectable program regardless of its name recognition?
My advice to all seniors, and their parents, going through this process is to think about more than just how it looks on paper. Has everyone heard of my college? No, but when I present them with my resume and faculty recommendations, they are very impressed. There are so many aspects to consider when choosing a school. Make sure it really does fit before you spend the money!!
I guess what I'm saying is that unless your kid gets into the Harvard etc. triad, it doesn't really matter. The rest don't offer that much of a perk in the working world.
So if you got a Harvard kid on your hands, then by all means, go for it. But if not, then back the heck off, cause it's really not gonna make that much of a difference in the long run.
Encourage her to stay in touch with all her internship contacts and continue to do that sort of thing while she's in school, during the summer, etc.
I can't tell you how many people I've known (my wife included) who used their internships, not their alma maters, as springboards for career success.
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