12/03/2012 10:10 am ET Updated Feb 02, 2013

Dear Santa Letter From the Fiscal Cliff

Dear Santa,

You probably don't get a lot of governmental economic terms sending you letters. Then again, you have to be the ultimate believer in weird things, right? I mean, a big guy like you being able to slip unseen and unheard down those tiny chimneys? In red velvet, no less ( and believe me, I know, velvet is NOT a slidey fabric). I give you props, Ninja Santa. I can't even get past the Senate, and believe me, they aren't exactly the sharpest tools in the shed -- if you know what I mean.

Anyways, I'm writing to you because I know that you're in the habit of granting wishes -- wait, that's the tooth fairy. Riiiiight you're the gift guy. Sorry. I'm still getting the hang of this language thing, being a figure of speech myself and all.

I'll get straight to the point -- here's the list of the things I want:

My Gift Wish List (see what I did there? Huh? Huh?)

1. Stop people calling me things other than the fiscal cliff. They're disrespecting the Bernankester. He's got a way with words, ole dad -- besides he gets mad when those pundits try to improve on me. When a phrase is coined, it's COINED.

2. I don't want to be blamed for another recession. Even numerical hyperbole has feelings, you know.

3. Make John Boehner smile. He's such a grumpy goose.

4. Have Obama stop tweeting about me. He's always popping up on my feed and it's soooo annoying.

5. If they do end taxing wealthy Americans, I want the $ to go to a new rocket ship. And I want it to be named after me.

6. If they don't end up taxing wealthy Americans DON'T LET THEM CUT PBS! I Must. See. Season 3. Of Downton Abbey. Does Mr. Bates get out? Do Matthew and Mary really get married? Omg, WHAT WILL MARY'S WEDDING DRESS LOOK LIKE?????

7. More Twitter followers: @FiscalCPimp012 , beotches.

8. A lightsaber duel in my honor between Harry Reid and Mitch McConnell at the 11th hour on Dec. 31st.

9. If there's a filibuster, for the Democrats to bring Jimmy Stewart back in 3D to give his Mr. Smith Goes to Washington speech.

10. An iPad mini.

That's all! Not a long list. I'm not asking for much, right? And I've been super, super, suuuuuper good this year (2011 doesn't count). I even voted. It was for Mitt, but how can you blame me? The man has such gorgeous hair, and I won't lie, I find that highly attractive in a man.

Say hi to Mrs. Claus for me!

Yours Truly,

@FiscalCPimp012 (at least you can follow me on Twitter, yo! Right S.C.?)