Middle-Aged Women: Pissed Off or Pleasure Machines?

Is she crazy, is she hormonal or is she finally shouting the truth?

We're all familiar with the stereotype of the angry woman. A shrieking shrew who sends her family scurrying for cover anytime she threatens to break.

The only way to make her more upset is to suggest that she's being "hormonal."

My own dear husband has learned that nothing unleashes a torrent of female rage faster than for him to hint that I'm cranky because it's "that time of the month."

Talk about feeling dismissed. The only thing worse is for him to suggest a little "love" to improve my mood.

Well ladies, guess what? The men might be right. Pleasure is closely connected to anger. No, you don't need to get angry to experience pleasure; in fact it's just the opposite. You can't experience pleasure when you're angry.

Best-selling author and women's health guru Dr. Christiane Northrup says, "When you're holding onto anger and resentment, you are incapable of feeling the degree of pleasure you could feel."

In her newest book, "The Secret Pleasures of Menopause" (yes, you read that title correctly) Northrup says that recognizing and releasing anger and negativity is one of the seven secret keys to opening the door to wonderful sexuality and sensuality.

But I think the operative word here is releasing, as in releasing the anger, not stifling it.

Which circles back to the screaming shrew and our female stereotypes. There's a commonly held myth that middle-aged women get mean when they go through menopause, or at the very least experience crazy mood swings. It's like "that time of the month" on turbo charge.

However, Dr. Northrup (www.DrNorthrup.com) suggests that what's really happening is the hormonal veil - a potent cocktail of hormones that hits at about age twelve and often causes women in male-dominated societies to shut up and play nice - is lifting, and decades of suppressed anger and resentment are finally coming out.

Which explains the increasingly common phenomenon of a middle-aged man who spends ten or twenty years thinking everything is OK, and is then suddenly confronted by a crazy woman who drags out his every mistake.

"Women have memories like elephants," Northrup says. "At the time she wasn't even aware of the sacrifice. But when the filing cabinet bursts, all the ways we did not get our needs met, every slight, is out there on the carpet."

"It's when our subconscious finally meets our consciousness," says Northrup.

So how do you go from rage to pleasure? And is it too late if you're already angry and middle-aged?

Actually, Northrup says that middle age is the perfect time for women to get aggressive about pursuing pleasure. "The Secret Pleasures of Menopause" (Hay House) was birthed out of her desire to write about "how pleasure heals the body."

The book - a short easy read, about a tenth the size of Northrup's previous magnum opus best-sellers - describes how to achieve maximum levels of nitric oxide, an amazing little molecule which is quite literally the "spark of life" (think female Viagra).

But Northrup's primary message is emotional. "Pleasure," she says, "is not optional, it's something your brain needs," advising women that physical and emotional health are connected to a passionate sex life.

"Desire" she writes, "is the voice of God."

So listen up family, you're on your own for dinner. God is telling me I deserve a bubble bath and after that who knows what I might be in the mood for.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated columnist, keynote speaker and the author of Forget Perfect and Finding Grace When You Can't Even Find Clean Underwear
More info: www.ForgetPerfect.com

Comments

[Matt51]

Good question. In general, I think women have a greater sense of order than men do.

[MissElaineous]

What is this pleasure you speak of? I've dated 8 men in two years and not one of them has wanted to do very much along those lines. They seem to like using me as a therapist to work out their issues over their exes and then once they stop talking about the exes, they stop talking to me, period. Maybe that's why middle aged women are so angry.

[bltmn]

I'd be curious to hear how this relates to, and interacts with, similar transitions in males of the same age. Men have their mid-life crises at about the same time. Combine a male's increasing desire for independence with a female's increasing capability for aggression and things get pretty interesting.

I'd also suggest that many males have transitions similar to the women described in the post. Think about the film "About Schmidt". Men who spend their lives supporting a family and conforming to workplace norms of behavior. At some point, they just get sick of it and need to put themselves first.

[OtayPanky]

Here's a tip for you menopausal women and mid-life crisis men:

Get over yourselves.

Desire is the root of suffering. Ego is the builder of this house of pain.

Don't thank me...thank The Buddha.

[Matt51]

Part of the problem is men have hormones too. Their testosterone declines 1-2% per year from their thirties. Usually by their forties the decline becomes noticeable, and it is usually pretty bad by their fifties. What are the symptoms? We get fat, cranky and lazy, and our sexual performance declines. We sit around and won't do any chores. No wonder wives are unhappy.
Every man should have his testosterone tested from mid forties on. Natural supplementation - lift heavy weights, eat zinc rich foods, and have lots of sex (wives have to help out with this one). If still low, talk to your doctor about testosterone supplementation. So yes, there is male menopause, it should be addressed, not ignored.

[dynagirl7371]

You may have just answered some of those questions WE have, too about what's wrong with our husbands. Do you know the secret to why they never, ever put their clothes actually IN the hamper instead of on the floor next to it???

[Matt51]

I posted accidentally in the wrong place. My wife asks me the same question. In general, I think women have a greater sense of order than men do.