One Simple Thing That Makes Every Woman Happy
An open letter to men:
We love you, we really do. We know you're different than we are, and we like it that way.
It's true we often ask you to act more like we do. But if we're honest, we know - and you know - that our differences make things more interesting and exciting.
People often assume that we're more complicated than you are. Our whirling, swirling thoughts and emotions probably feel like an ever-changing cocktail of both nuance and volatility. But there's one thing almost all of us want from you, and it's the exact same thing you want from us.
We want you to be happy.
When you're not happy, we feel unappreciated and unloved.
It's true: just as our mood affects you, your moods affect us.
But what makes us feel loved is different than what makes you feel loved.
If you don't care what makes women happy or you're sick of trying to figure out female emotions, you can quit reading now. But if you're like most men, you've probably spent the better part of your life frustrated by females, and if you knew there was one simple thing that would make your woman happy, you would do it.
Well there is.
I've been listening to women talk and reading their letters for more than a decade, and when you cut through all the clutter, a single theme has emerged.
Women want men to care. We don't want you to merely be willing to engage in the activities that are important to us, we want you to want to, especially when it comes to the kids.
We don't just want you to watch your children; we want you to want to watch them. We don't want you to begrudgingly take the family to the fair; we want you to be delighted. We don't want you to complain about going shopping for a washing machine; we want you to take it in stride as part of running the family.
It may seem like telling us how inconvenienced you are or how much effort you had to put in would make us appreciate you even more for participating. But it doesn't.
We don't expect you to be enthusiastic about playing Scrabble with our Aunt Verna, but when you grumble about how hard it is to get home from work in time to tuck your children in, we interpret it to mean that you don't really want to do it in the first place, and that hurts.
You may think we're angry when we nag you to spend more time with your family, but we're actually sad.
After talking with literally thousands of women, especially mothers, I can tell you - every time a woman has to badger a man to become more engaged, a little piece of her heart breaks. When a man complains or seems to begrudge his own participation, the woman feels unloved. To us, reluctance to engage equals "I don't care."
I know I'm just presenting one side of this, but that's kind of the point. I'll leave to a man to explain the other side.
Here's the bottom line: women want men to be happy, and we desperately want participating in your family to be the thing that puts a big ole' smile on your face.
Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated columnist, author and popular keynote speaker. Her newest book The Triangle of Truth: The Surprisingly Simple Secret to Resolving Conflicts Large and Small comes out January 5th from Penguin Putnam. Her other books include Forget Perfect and Finding Grace When You Can't Even Find Clean Underwear. She conducts sales, leadership and personal development workshops worldwide. Read more columns - www.LisaEarleMcLeod.com
Follow Lisa Earle McLeod on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaearlemc
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Often when men complain about all we have to do and all that it took to come home and make it to the event or activity on time, what we are fishing for is a compliment, “Wow, you really do whatever it takes to be there for us and the kids don’t you honey. Thanks for being our hero.” Or something like that.
If a woman wants a man to pay attention and to do the things she wants him to do, acknowledging him in a genuine way works every time - not as a manipulation, but as a practice. Most men live in some level of fear of upsetting or disappointing the women around us, even though we end up doing just that all the time.
Another big issue we often get into here is trying to prove that one way of doing things is "right" and the other way is "wrong." This is a never ending, and losing battle we waste a lot of time with in our relationships and especially with our spouses. If we can start to get more real, be more vulnerable, ask for what we really want, and share how we truly feel, a lot of these things become easier to deal with and work through. When we spend and waste our time complaining, judging, and righteously thinking we're "right" and our spouse is "wrong," no one is happy and it never works!
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Thanks for writing this Lisa – It totally makes sense and my wife agrees.
You're right – we men often don’t care, not because we really don’t, but because we either feel like we aren’t that good at stuff with the kids (women often seem so much better at it than we do), we worry (especially these days) about how we're doing as providers, and we’re often torn between doing what it takes to work/produce and also what it takes to be a husband and father - not an easy balance for many of us. Women who work and take care of their kids can understand this, for sure. But, even as the primary bread-winner in your family, while your family may depend on you to make money, as a woman in our culture, for better or worse, your “value” is not based as much on what you do and produce, as much as it is on how you look and how well you take care of your family. As we all know, lots of this is messed up and unfair on many levels…that aside, this plays into this issue that you’re speaking about.
Some of this also comes down to one big fundamental difference between how men and women like/want to be appreciated/acknowledged. Women want to be cherished (and in this case, as you write about, what you know that we men care, really care). Men want to feel important – admired.
I think spaceghost06 makes a pretty strong point...
The fact of the matter is that men are not nearly as in touch with their emotions as women. We feel the emotions but have difficulty expressing them.
I have worked on this issue for years and believe I have made progress; I feel many others have as well.
Good post!
You talk about what every woman wants. Sometimes it goes further than merely wanting - it's what every woman needs. Or what the family needs. A mother needs a husband; the kids need a father. More than a paycheck or wanting a man to participate, there is the very real need for him to. It is not optional, as the word "wanting" seems to convey. How can a woman want a man who does not fulfill her basic need for a partner? It is hard to even think about him wanting to want anything when the partnership is not there. WhenI signed as the stay-at-home mom, I did not bargain for single parenthood which is essentially what I got. Wanting seems frivolous when you feel abandoned. I would have been happy if my (former) husband had been home for family dinners, homework, baths, and bedtime of three little kids, whether he wanted to be or not.
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Who said, "If it were natural for men to take care of their kids there wouldn't be so many laws commanding them to do so." A bit harsh, but it does speak to the unmentionable--In GENERAL, moms feel closer to their kids than dads. I didn't say they loved them more--just that they're closer to them. THen you add the fact that dads love their kids differently than Moms and you have a recipe, for well, your column.
You know that asking somebody to feel something is wishful thinking. What you're describing is a couple that has lost their spark.
None of these activities will pose a problem for two people who are still in love with each other - people for whom the honeymoon phase wasn't a phase.
If the honeymoon phase was, after all, just a phase, then the man and the woman should each be seeing someone else and their relationship should be officially recognized as a partnership rather than a romance.
By the same token, don't have kids unless you're prepared to raise them separately. Love is unpredictable.
In rare cases, each of the man and the woman has found in the other, "The One." But if they haven't, pretending otherwise will lead both of them to an early and miserable grave.
All of the above would be plain common sense if not for cultural preconceptions about the treadmill of life that most of us were raised to perceive as "normal."
Conventional relationship structures are only as good as they are healthy.
Hi Lisa,
You set the hook: we want you to be happy. Then you work it in deeper: when you're not happy, we feel unappreciated and unloved. You start reeling in: it's true: just as our mood affects you, your moods affect us. You complete the catch: well there is.
Yay! That's it? Be happy and she'll be happy. i guess that makes sense. I like it a lot better when she's happy, so now I know. But........
A trap! I should have know. Damn it.
It's not a simple answer if it involves doing all the things women want us to do and being happy to do it. If we fail to perform with enthusiasm, you'll be sad. Not angry, just sad as a piece of your heart crumbles. And if we don't pretend that we're Superman and nothing requires effort, we displease you.
You are not speaking for every woman. Your compalints/advice are not universal. Many men take great care of their kids, spend time with them joyfully, do a fair share of domestic work and still cannot please their wives. It's a good article for men who are distant and expect that their role as bread winner suffices. Unfortunately, they aren't reading HuffPo Living section articles.
regards,
little brother
Hey that is what men want too.
"Women want men to care. We don't want you to merely be willing to engage in the activities that are important to us, we want you to want to, especially when it comes to the kids."
As a man I have to agree with this statement and it's a lesson that I have learned over the years. I would like to rephrase it in a way that applies to men,
"Men want women to care. We don't want you to merely be willing to engage in the activities that are important to us, we want you to want to, especially when it comes to sex"
In both cases, it seems like a very reasonable request and would lead to more successful relationships
Do you know my husband?
Oh egads! This is Internet, maybe you are my husband.
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