Please Quit Drooling Over My Daughter

It's a middle-aged rite-of-passage. It's the moment you become invisible.

It's when you realize that people (people of the opposite sex, that is) are no longer looking at you; they're looking through you.

And it's even more depressing if they're gawking at your teenage daughter.

For me, it happened at the mall. My then 14-year-old daughter and I were shopping, and I was in my usual mom wardrobe of exercise clothes and tennis shoes.

But instead of baggy sweats, I actually had on black pants, with a matching jacket, and an unstained T-shirt, that was even a V-neck no less.

My better-than-usual attire is why I assumed that the pair of 30-something men were so taken with my beauty that they did a double-take as I walked by.

It hadn't happened in a while, but what with my matching jacket and pants and all -- did I mention they were black velour? And the fact that I had put on mascara; it was nice to know that -- even though I'm married and not trolling for men -- I was still good looking enough to attract a second look.

That's when I realized they were staring at my daughter. It was gross and awful on oh-so-many levels.

My first reaction was maternal. What were these guys thinking? I was tempted to run up and poke out their eyes. These guys had to be at least 30, maybe even 35, and they were gawking at a 14-year-old!

It was then that I turned and saw my daughter with eyes anew. Somehow, when I wasn't looking, the beautiful blond little cherub child whose hand it seemed like I had only recently stopped holding had turned into a beautiful young woman. A young woman whose self-assurance belied her junior high status and who, although oblivious to the stares, was clearly going to be getting them for many years to come.

It wasn't until we got to the car that I fully processed what had happened. I was no longer the cute one. I was the matronly, invisible mother, and all the matching sweat suits in the world wouldn't turn me back into a skinny head-turning stunner.

My daughter is 16 now, and I've become quite used to the gawking, although if the droolers look over 20, I consider it my motherly duty to give them an evil glare.

However, it's also my motherly duty to show my daughter that, while male heads may not whip around the moment I walk into a room, I'm still happy with the way I look.

I may not have her washboard abs or long blond hair. But looking great at 45 is different than great at 16, just as looking great at 60 or 70 will be different than 45. And just because most men aren't as immediately biologically drawn to older beauty, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist.

It's odd and a bit unsettling to see your sweet daughter reflected in the eyes of men. Just as it's odd to realize that the world now looks at you in a different way.

However just as the drooling men can't possibly comprehend my daughter's most beautiful qualities, they don't see mine either.

Because as my husband and her father will tell you, truly beautiful women are never invisible to the people who love them, no matter what their age.

Lisa Earle McLeod is an author, syndicated columnist, keynote speaker and business consultant. More info: www.LisaEarleMcLeod.com

Follow Lisa Earle McLeod on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaearlemc

Comments

[rlugbill]

Girls today are more developed at a younger age than they used to be. 14 year olds look like women instead of girls.

And the styles girls wear are much more revealing, and tighter to show the girl's body more.

So guys are checking them out. Yes, it is inappropriate for them to be doing it, but it happens all the time.

[Malkin71]

I think there is a very common misconception out there amongst some, not all, but...a lot of women.

They seem to think that if men are looking or staring or gawking, etc. at you, that they are "undressing you with their eyes" or think you are hot or want to have sex with you...

This is absurb.

Men are looking at you to DECIDE if you are hot or if they want to undress you with their eyes or hands...

Many, many times the answer is a strong "OMG, NO." But if you just take him looking at you as a compliment, there could be some confusion.

[StoicRep]

With all the beautiful women in the world, its hard to imagine men wanting other men instead. Could it be the fear of being a called a "sexist" if you show your attraction for a women that has lead to sexual confusion? Could it be women that feel compelled by other women to be crass toward a gawker, that has kiiled the sport of woman-watching and healthy physical attraction?

[Absolon]

God bless the mothers who can get past the "envy of youth" and teach these girls what they need to know to have wonderful, beautiful, UN-wasted youth. It's a damn near miraculous thing.

[socialtalker]

a lovely essay! thanks!

[Ohioan730]

My daughter will be 10 this year and I never considered the day would come when grown men would be looking at her. I get mad when they gawk at ME. How rude is it to undress someone with your eyes who isn't asking for it. I have seen great looking men on the streets before and I don't go out of my way to make a gawking spectacle of myself. What are they trying to prove, that they are somebody I wouldn't give the time of day to?

And to think those same cre eps are gonna be looking at my daughter that way one day? Men gawking at my child that way makes me furious just thinking about it and it hasn't even happened yet. Grown men had better take note if they want their eyesight to be intact. Just sayin'.

[LeftRight]

While I'm not saying that it's appropriate for men to gawk at women, it's natural for them to do so. I try not to stare, and I think that I do a pretty good job at it, but I also find myself doing it every so often..... Don't get mad at them, unless they are being REALLY rude about it. Just either ignore them or take it as a compliment, which it usually is!

[TheBlackCat]

Yeah, so long as they aren't gawking or rude, I take it as a complement when a guy checks me out or flirts. I'm in my late twenties, and I realize that even if this stuff annoys me sometimes, especially as I am married so have no interest, I should appreciate it now, because the day wll come when men, for the most part, no longer look at me in that wa.

[HeevenSteven]

There's always the burka route...