Why Do Men Cheat? Bless Their Lyin' Little Scumbag Hearts

Why makes a man cheat?

For the very same reason disgruntled office workers pilfer paper clips and people pout at family reunions: lack of appreciation.

On a recent Oprah show Dr. M. Gary Neuman, the author of "The Truth About Cheating," who surveyed hundreds of cheating husbands blew apart one of the common myths about infidelity when he reported that "92 percent of men said it wasn't primarily about the sex."

(Yes I know women cheat, but that's not what the show was about)

Neuman claims that, "The majority (of cheaters) said it was an emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under-appreciated."

At which point every woman in the audience rolled her eyes and wanted to scream:

"HE feels unappreciated. You've got be kidding me. I cook, I clean, I work, I take care of the kids, I do practically everything around here and just because I don't shower him with compliments for taking out the trash, he thinks it's OK to cheat?"

The women were seething, and frankly I'm surprised Dr. Neuman made it out of the building alive. But in the spirit of don't-shoot-the-messenger journalism, you have to give the good doctor some credit. After 20 years as a marriage counselor seeing firsthand the devastation of divorce, he decided to "find out what we can do to save marriages and make them better."

The trouble with his findings is that while the men felt unappreciated, so did their wives, and the last thing they wanted to hear was that they were the ones who should start being more grateful.

However, as much as I empathized with the angry mob of women - I mean really who has time to stroke your man's ego 24/7 when there's laundry to be done - I also felt a twinge of guilt as I watched every man in the audience nod his head in recognition as Dr. Neuman, said, "The main thing that they (the cheaters) felt they were getting outside the home that they were sorely missing at home was appreciation."

Dr. Neuman (who for the record says there is no excuse for cheating) reported that the men were "looking for somebody to build them up to make them feel valued."

Thus is the catch-22 of marriage. We can't appreciate them until they start appreciating us.

But isn't it the same quagmire we face many relationships? Bosses withhold praise because they don't feel like their employees are treating them with enough respect. Cubicle dwellers steal copy paper because they don't think anyone understands how hard their jobs are. And feuding family members pout and whine about who has it tougher and why the person who makes homemade deviled eggs for the reunion should get more recognition than the lazy cousin who showed up with a half-eaten bucket of chicken from KFC.

But you don't have to be an Einsten to see that holding back your praise until you get some from the other guy, just adds up to a big circle of nothing.

I have no idea what to do if your spouse cheats, although murder comes to mind. But I do know that going through life feeling unloved and appreciated is no way to live.

We all deserve to be told how wonderful we are.

So let's make a deal, let's all start expressing gratitude even if we're not getting any.

You go first.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a syndicated columnist, keynote speaker and top-selling author who doesn't compliment her husband or co-workers nearly as often as she should. She specializes in helping organizations and individuals create happiness and success (no group hugs or trust falls required) More info:www.ForgetPerfect.com

Follow Lisa Earle McLeod on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaearlemc

Comments

[sphinxy]

I was just reading some of the posts and I think you guys are thinking too much. Arthur once asked Merlin how to handle a woman. And the answer was simple, "Love her. Simply love her." Now, if you don't believe Merlin, maybe you'll believe the Beatles. "And in the end, the love you make, is equal to the love you take." It's the oldest, most important lesson on earth.

[sphinxy]

Oh, Lisa. Brilliant. Just brilliant. I love you. Did I mention you're brilliant? Kiss, kiss. One last thing... brilliant.

[joebiz]

Men cheat 'cause:

wives turn into fiends;
they can;
strange is fun;
the marriage illusion wears off;
women cut their hair, too short;
life waves good bye;
women hate other women and will give it up even if they know the man is married;
women are always physically tired for sex;
sex is better with someone else because it's "forbidden";

Sorry, you crummy cheaters. If it makes you feel better, women are also cheating . . . maybe your milkman is visiting more often, or the pool boy named Raul is cleaning a pool you don't have.

[davidmoultrup]

Cheatin’ at the answers
David Moultrup

Looking to Oprah for answers about infidelity is like looking to Readers Digest for answers about multiple sclerosis. Both topics are far more complicated than any small list of simple answers can explain. Affairs are symptoms of a breakdown in the person and in the relationship, on many different levels. In order to have good answers about these kinds of topics, you need to have good thoughtful questions. Both Oprah and Readers Digest are intentionally avoiding too much in the way of depth in their presentation of topics, because they know they are more in the business of entertainment than they are in the business of education.

I have more than a few ideas about motivations for affairs which I have put in a full length book (Guilford, 1990), and several other book chapters. It’s been clear to me over the years that there is a steady flow of interest in affairs, which clearly are one of the timeless challenges for individuals and relationships. But despite the interest, and frequent disruption to so many people’s lives associated with affairs, it continues to be difficult to find thoughtful and reflective discussions about them in the media.

[SuperJ]

Women went hundreds of years feeling unappreciated. Not to mention, being treated like dirt in most cultures. But now, woman have more powere and are mor independent. They realized that not only can they do the "woman's" work but thet "man's" work as well. Now all of a sudden, there has been a shift and men no longer feel all powerful and important. So maybe this is why men need that praise, so they still feel needed.

With that being said, it still must work both ways.

[tbirdalum]

Because nature has programmed us to be cheaters. But keep in mind that we don't do it alone. We're cheating with someone else.

[DennyCrane]

Hmm. While I agree that this is one reason men cheat, it doesn't cover all cheaters. Just look at John Edwards. I'm sure his wife appreciated him and all he was doing for her. But he cheated anyway.

[vagabond78666]

as a 40 year old man ,divorced seven years now,I have to agree that men arent appreciated enough. I and EVERY good male friend of mine know not one woman that cooks,nor cleans. Do we have bad taste in women? NO,thats just the liberated confusion that the average woman has these days. Perhaps its just here in central texas? All of my friends married or divorced happily do the majority of,if not all of the cooking,cleaning AND childrearing. We often ponder,why is it that women have lost this skill,drive?
Maybe the women referred to in this article perform the classic 1950s womans role. (charade)
But I for one feel that these women ceased to exist long ago.
I would like for once in my life to find a partner that shared the chores AND bills/mortgage evenly 50/50.
But I think that is just a dream.
Kinda like the fiscally conservatives.

I will agree that men should never let others see them cry.
Men,you have to be the strength.
But women should tell their men that they are handsome
and that they love them. (i know you say you do)
at the least get out of the car and pretend to take interest
in changing a tire.
we would appreciate it

[grantlingel]

you know women cheat too...
http://grantlingel.blogspot.com

[Dave24]

Monogamy is unnatural, for all women and men. Just look at nature. Yes, there are some species where each creature remains with one partner; but the ratio is completely in favor of sexual variety.

I believe Bill Maher said the following, and though this may be a simplification, I think it speaks truth: it boils down to old versus new. All women and men, even if they love the person they're with, have a desire to be curious, to experience new things, including people. And this absolutely includes sex.

Another tacky quote (and please pardon the sexism): For every beautiful woman, there's a man somewhere who's tired of sleeping with her.

People will always be attracted to other people, and there's nothing wrong with that. But to be in relationship, it's not enough to want to be with someone. You have to also *not* want to be with anyone else.

[JBS]

For the same reasons women cheat.

[jayrayspicer]

"Big circle of nothing" is a great metaphor. Very symbolic.

I don't think men get married in order to hear "what have you done for me lately?" They get enough of that at work. Dr. Neuman has a keen insight here, and wives ignore it to their own detriment. Husbands don't want to be put on a pedestal or praised for nothing; they just want to know that their wives are happy to have them around. This should not be so shocking. Women like to be appreciated "just because". Why is it so odd to think that men do too?