Why Do Women Begrudge Men a Nap?

Why do women begrudge men a nap?

If you want to infuriate your wife, try taking a nap on a Saturday afternoon just as she's revving up the to-do list.

Forget sex, communication, in-laws and the toilet seat wars. If you really want to stir up a hornet's nest inside a marriage, just bring up the subject of naps.

Men love them and women despise them.

Actually, let me rephrase, men love to take them and women despise them for enjoying it, (especially if you're married with kids)

"But why?" says the man. "Haven't I earned it? Don't I deserve it? Isn't your home supposed to be where you relax?"

Well, sort of.

This is yet another case of where the opposite sexes -- opposite being the operative word here -- have completely different perspectives and our unspoken assumptions collide on Saturday afternoon.

In most cases, men view their home as a refuge while women think it's the place where the real work gets done.

When a woman sees dirty dishes or laundry strewn about the floor, we don't just see a mess, we literally feel like life is spinning out of control. We could have spent the workday brokering world peace, but when our home isn't running smoothly, we feel out of whack. It might not make sense, but it's the way most of us are wired.

For men, home is a place to escape from work. When he walks in, he doesn't see a system out of balance, disorganized supplies or poorly maintained equipment. All he sees is a long soft comfortable surface -- which if you knock the pizza boxes and old newspapers off -- is the perfect place to lay down.

Neither is right or wrong, and everyone doesn't always fall into these stereotypes, but for most of us, hubby's afternoon nap is more likely to generate heavy sighs and eye rolls than an offer to fluff his pillows.

You can't eliminate the differences between men and women; but you can try to see the world through your partner's eyes.

Men, imagine you're on a deadline at work. It's years away, but this is the most important project of your life, so you leave nothing to chance. You create detailed schedules of what must be done and you set benchmarks for your team, because you know if you slack off, even for a minute, you will fail.

Now, imagine you've set aside an entire day to work on this huge life-defining multi-year project -- the one that will determine the success or failure of your entire organization -- and just as you're ready to get started, your co-worker, says, "I think I'll take a nap."

Guys, you can argue all you want about whether or not leaving the screen door broken for another week is going to derail your family. But women are hardwired to keep things running at peak efficiency and when you conk out, it feels like you just don't care.

Yes, you deserve a nap. But you're more likely to be undisturbed if you tell her how long you'll be down, and exactly which tasks you'll be delighted to do when you wake up.

As for women: Imagine you're walking into the spa and just as you're about slip on a comfy robe, the manager says, "Great, you're just in time to scrub the floor."

Cut your man some slack. Do what I do -- just tape the to-do list to his forehead while he's asleep.

Lisa Earle McLeod is a keynote speaker, author and syndicated columnist. Her clients include Best Buy, Apple Computer, The United Way, SC Johnson, and numerous associations and entrepreneur groups.

Comments

[az5191]

I don't like the beginning premise that men are the nappers in the relationship. Every girlfriend I have ever had has been an avid napper. I will go even further to say that napping is one of their favorite pass times. I have even experienced animosity for not being down with the mid-day nap. Maybe this napping animosity just boils down to control in a relationship. Its OK to nap, but only on your significant others terms? If that's the case, I'm not drinking THAT koolaid. Single for life!

[Pometacom]

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for answering my wife's blog entry about your column today (Chikblog). I can understand when you say:

When a woman sees dirty dishes or laundry strewn about the floor, we don't just see a mess, we literally feel like life is spinning out of control. We could have spent the workday brokering world peace, but when our home isn't running smoothly, we feel out of whack. It might not make sense, but it's the way most of us are wired.

I am also wired that way, tho' I am a guy. This is because I am self-employed and work from our house and as such there is a strong psychological connection for me between a clean house and a healthy business and a dirty unkempt house and a not healthy business. Since I have worked from home I am much more conscious about keeping the home clean -- it is my office.

Cheers.

[1will]

The real reason is they have no one to listen to them talk for an hour or so.

[Lisa Earle McLeod - Huffpost Blogger]

Take a chill pill people. I never said that women actually like housework or that it was our job to do it, or that cleaning a toilet was in any way shape or form personally fulfilling.

The problem is that after you have kids, the to-do list is endless and mom is usually the one who owns it, even she has a full time job.

I've asked around and the frustration with naps occurs because the wife is both jealous and annoyed that the man doesn't seem to have the same constant running list in his head like she does.

It's not like that before you have kids, and from what I understand it dissipates when they leave. But most of the working mothers I know struggle to get it all done.

It's not about making your house look perfect, believe I literally wrote the book "Forget Perfect." It's just about trying to keep all the plates in the air, and wondering when and if you will ever be able to relax.

Is it socialization? Is it biology? It is an internal thought track that never seems to sleep? Probably a bit of all three.

Gotta run, it's time for my nap.

[Kiboko]

Is it chill pills, naps, or spa days that we need?

1) Where is the mention of children in this article? Were we supposed to just assume that after people are "married" they have babies? This was about having gender role-war-fare after children?

WOW. I didn't pick that up by reading this - and from the commentors you think need to take "chill pills" - I'm not sure they got that either....slight oversight on your part if that was your intention.

2) By stating that when most women see piles of clothes and dirty dishes we "feel failure" also indicates that should we clean these things, we will feel sucessful, and in some cases one could take that as us finding "fulfillment".

3) This "constant list "running through our heads...are you asking only women? And only women with children? Women in relationships with men? Only ones that hate naps? And if so, I can assume that since MOST women in heterosexual relationships experience this after children, that I can look forward to nap begrudging at some point in the future only IF I am married and IF I have children? Just trying to figure out what your actual point is.

[ThursdayNext]

To do lists are over-rated and naps rule. To generalize that women hate their men napping is to generalize the women don't nap. I love my naps and look forward to the day when I can nap with my man.

[leafjuice]

Women are not "hardwired" to do things like clean, cook, be empathetic, or like the color pink. These are characteristics learned over the course of a heavy socialization process that begins at birth, when they're wrapped in that pink blanket.

Suggesting that keeping house is some innate part of a woman's biological identity reinforces those tired beliefs about women and domesticity. This hurts everyone, including your man on the couch.

[robXdion]

This is about passive-aggressive controlling behavior. A woman happy with herself and her position in a relationship could care less if her man takes a nap on Saturday. And I hope the author sees what guys deal with from these comments.

[sangetencre]

It's not a matter of hard wiring. It's a matter of raising and socialization.

Women have, traditionally, been the ones who have kept up the home.

While the dynamic of women's roles has been changing over the last century, we're still under the delusion that the home and the cleanliness of the home is solely a woman's domain/problem. (Now, if she were the only one living there, I could agree with that.)

Frankly, if more than one person is living in a place, the onus is on both of them to keep it clean. To what degree is based on their mutual agreement.

I live with my boyfriend. Of the two of us, I have a lower tolerance for clutter.

If things are looking particularly messy (dishes in the sink, laundry piled up, items strewn across the living room) I have trouble relaxing until things are straightened up.

It's also not a matter of "hating men taking naps." It's a matter of feeling respected within the relationship and not feeling like I'm the one doing all of the grunt work.

I've been able to compromise on how clean I feel the apartment has to be, but there are some things I just can't ignore.

I consider it a matter of respect for me that my boyfriend takes consideration for what I need and tidies things up when he has more time at home than I do.

Then we can take that nap together.

[unhipster]

I love gender essentialism!

I must not be "wired" like a real woman because I nap when I feel like it and I don't care if a pizza box lingers around for a couple of days.

[happierwoman]

I hate to react negatively but this entire article is a poorly constructed argument that only makes me feel pigeonholed as a woman to a life of domestic service. What happened to communication between husband and wife? Further, what decade are we in?

[thepoliticalcat]

This is so silly. I'm sure it's only an issue if the couple have kids. For the childfree, home IS a place where you get all your snuggles and your piles of books and papers read in bed with a nice cuppa your fave beverage -- or a bottle of wine.

[SeanONe]

It's called a total lack of perspective. If a woman has so little going on in her life that an untidy room is "unbearable" then she has nothing whatsoever to offer the relationship. In life you cannot control others only yourself and if she has so little self control she should seek help not afflict others.

[weatherwaxx]

A wife who snarks at her napping husband is probably exhausted herself -- but if they've got kids, god help her if *she* tries to take a nap.

The simple solution to all this is for people to communicate what they need and be considerate of each other. It has to work both ways or it won't work at all.

[herestheblag]

Even if you live in a one bedroomed apt. my advice to any young working couple is to get a cleaner. They're cheap and professional and for a couple of hours a week can save a marriage from suffocating under the weight of the washing.

[weatherwaxx]

Some people - myself included - don't really like having a stranger come into our homes and do our personal maintenance work. If it works for you, great. It wouldn't work for everyone.

[Kiboko]

I suppose that since I'm not a "cleaner" and I am a "napper" - and have been known to shove things off of the couch in order to crash, that I am a man? Interesting, I'll have to let my partner know.

Also, why the analogy with the man's job? Are women not career-oriented? Or am I the only one who doesn't day dream of housework while I'm actaully AT work?