Why Husbands Get Dumped: A Public Service Announcement
"We need to talk."The words strike fear into the hearts of men. Yet those who ignore it, do so at their own peril.
With the epidemic-like trend of more and more women filing for divorce, I've noticed an increasingly common phenomenon: husbands caught completely off guard when their wife announces that she wants out.
If you're a man with a seemingly stable marriage you might not think this applies to you. But think again.
I personally know of at least five husbands whose lives were blown apart when the woman they assumed was happy, or at least happy enough, informed them that she had in fact been miserable for years, and that she couldn't stand to live another minute in the same house.
(Hint: if your wife printed this and left it perched on the back of the toilet, you might want to read further.)
The scenario goes like this:
A couple gets married, gets jobs, pays bills, has kids and somewhere along the line the inevitable conflicts ensue.
His parents did it this way, hers did it that way. He wants to watch TV, she wants to host a book club. They disagree about money or sofa fabric. In short: they're married.
The woman thinks that the best way to solve the problems is to get her husband more emotionally engaged. She wants to talk about it (read "fight") or go see a counselor; or she may just endlessly badger him to get home for dinner on time.
Sometimes she's skillful, sometimes she's a screaming shrew, but in her mind, she's trying to "improve" the marriage.
However, very few men gleefully jump into the female world of highly-charged emotional dramas.
More likely, the husband resists, dreading the potential conflict and often fearing that counseling will be a dissection of all his flaws (which it likely will be).
Plus, who's got time to talk when you're trying to hold down a job -- a task many men view as their primary contribution to marriage?
So he tries to ignore it, burying himself television, golf, or the office, hoping the problem will go away.
And it does. After months, or sometimes years, of trying to get her man engaged, the woman gives up and makes do with the status quo.
Thus, the marriage enters the danger zone.
While the husband is relieved that they're no longer fighting, the wife is so angry and heartbroken that she can't even bear to make eye contact with him.
She spends more time with her friends, family or church. She may get a job or start volunteering, and slowly but surely, she creates an emotional support system that doesn't include her husband.
So, while he's thinking things are better because she's quit nagging, she's actually growing further away every single day. And she's even more hurt because he doesn't seem to notice.
Then one day it dawns on her: I'm happier without him than I am with him. And that's when she drops the bomb.
The saddest part is that many men don't even know why they got dumped. I had one friend whose husband came back to her the next day (after she dropped the bomb) with a diamond ring, promising that he would go to counseling, quit working late and do all the other things she had begged him to do.
But, unfortunately, it was too late. She'd been leaving him for years, and by the time she told him, she was already gone.
Why do I understand the wifely withdrawal scenario so well? I was unknowingly partway down this path myself a few years back, silently brewing and stewing, until fate -- and a highly skilled counselor -- intervened. I was lucky because my husband was willing to put aside his discomfort to step into the terrifying world of feelings and emotions.
So wake up guys. Wedded bliss takes work, and counselors are cheaper than alimony. So if your wife wants to talk, it might be time to put down the remote and engage.
This has been a public service announcement sponsored by the Council for Divorced Bitter Women
Lisa Earle McLeod is a keynote speaker, syndicated columnist and the author of "Forget Perfect" and "Finding Grace When You Can't Even Find Clean Underwear". After a two decades of coaching executives she has reached the conclusion that people make the same stupid mistakes at home as they do at work.
Follow Lisa Earle McLeod on Twitter: www.twitter.com/lisaearlemc
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Calling all angry bitter men:
Hey guys, it was just one scenario,
I know that tons of women are horrible wives,
In fact, I feel fully confident that there are millions of women out there, right now, who are behaving selfishly and immorally with husbands who deserve better.
But I'll also say, after hearing from hundreds of angry disillusioned men, there are a whole heapin' bunch of you guys out there who are better off staying single.
Get a grip people, just because an article doesn't describe your scenario, doesn't mean it hasn't happened to somebody else.
i agree with heal57 who wrote, " a good marriage is a treasured gift"
No words of wisdom from me, just a wish for good luck and a recommendation for hard work.
Regarding the picture accompanying the lead-in to the article - any man or woman who consistently comes to the table with that expression on their face is not going to be in a relationship very long. The other party will go running out the door screaming for protection.
I, too, have seen marriages the same way. After 20 years, the woman wants out and the guy thought everything was great, BUT the wife did not really express how she really felt through the years and held everything in, and that's not fair to the man.
There are lousy wives and lousy husbands, however, being absolute best friends is imperative to a good, happy, lasting marriage or relationship. A good marriage is a treasured gift. There are few of them out there. Guard yours carefully if you are fortunate to have one. There is nothing in life like committed emotional support; nothing! I hope you all have it or find it.
We come into this life alone; we leave it alone; everything in between is temporary. Personally, I'd rather be alone that have to cater to a self centered woman's "feelings". Relationships are give and take, not so one sided. American women suck. Give me European and Asian women any day.
I think people need to stop trying being so type A and thinking that they have to keep up or beat the Joneses.
The majority of the problems that I hear my guy friends being nagged about involve these cockamamie ideas to do unrealistic home improvement, socialize with couples that they don't like, or to continually spend time with their partner.
The problems I see are related to women not being able to understand that the person they married can't be transformed into Michael Phelps. In addition, maybe more women need to take some time being single to appreciate what kind of guy (or relationship ) they are truly looking for.
"maybe more women need to take some time being single"
Or perhaps have friends and activities outside of the relationship -- the same with men. Yet, many couples have difficulty find a balance.
"She spends more time with her friends, family or church. She may get a job or start volunteeri
Huh? What world are you living in? The one I live in, the wives are also at work 40 plus hours a week... I'm not going to bash men here about household duties not being shared, because I believe that most modern men are certainly making, at the very least, an attempt to commit to 50% of family/household chores, but still... women are TIRED. Men are TIRED. There are 7 days in a week, no more, and fixing problems is a difficult additional job to take on, for anyone...
What I have found, as a woman, in my relationships, is that I think I'm having the same discussion about problems that need to be addressed, over and over again. When I'm at my limit and want to just end the whole thing, my man behaves as if this is the first time he's hearing of the problem. Why is that happening?
He doesn't understand what I'm really saying is, "This HAS to be fixed or else the relationship HAS to end... ?" Or is that I talk so damn much, who can decide what is the important stuff and what isn't... ?
I conclude that the first line of attack is improving communication, overall, and there isn't any of us - male or female - who couldn't benefit from that.
I would agree that it often happens this way, which isn't very fair to the men, who generally need to be told things in a very direct way: "I'm not happy and I'd like to go to a counselor with you and if we don't resolve this issue, then I'll likely be seeking a divorce."
However, what the author doesn't address is the issue of women wanting to get their husbands to be "emotionally engaged." If he's not "emotionally engaged" during the dating process, he isn't going to suddenly "get" it. This is who he is, period. If you felt that that was OK enough to marry him, then why the heck do you want or expect him to change after you're a Mrs.?
It all points to our expectations; we have so many for our partner nowadays that it's making a mess of marriage. Your husband can't be everything, nor should he be. And, hey, you're not either. If people partnered in a more conscious way, and choose someone whose qualities are the ones they want, then the other stuff won't matter much.
A good read Lisa....
"Nothing's either good or bad but thinking makes it so." - Hamlet
As long as women feel that a greener pasture awaits (an idea supported by tv,magazin
As a 36 yr old single male, I don't have a problem in the world expressing my feelings..
Good for you!!! DO NOT get pressured into getting married...
I was single till I was 38..... gosh, I miss the good 'ol days of doing whatever I want, having a harem of men trying to woo me and not caring how much money I spend at the grocery store....y
Vive le single life!
The short and not so sweet. They get married and she immediately sets out to change everything about him. He's got two choices ... stand up for himself and get dumped because he won't change, or cave in to her every whim and get dumped because he's "not the man she married."
When a woman takes it into her head she's gonna' walk out andtake you to the cleaners, she's gonna' walk and take you to the cleaners.
And it's ALWAYS the man's fault.
Wait, excuse me, she BAGDERS him to be HOME FOR DINNER ON TIME? Welcome to 2008. I rarely get home before 8pm. Not my choice but we need the money my job brings in, almost twice as much as my husband makes. If I decide to leave him someday it will be because he shows me no affection at all and we have little in common and nothing to talk about. We are like brother and sister now. Sad.
"We are like brother and sister now." You nailed it! We can try and apportion blame between the man or the woman when a marriage fails, but the "brother/sister" relationship is the kiss of death. I feel like it sums up the apathy that the article is talking about. I sometimes feel this way with my wife and it terrifies me. You are not alone, Trilby, I just wish I had an answer.
A lot of this had to do with the woman's goal of "a wedding" with no thought about what comes after the big day. Lets face it men want regular sex and women want a big social splash. It hopeless from day one.
Men are generally more content with their lot, while women seem to always find something to be unhappy about! Also for women, the grass is always greener on the other side. Happiness is something that should be inside you. One should not depend on something or someone else to make one happy!
Oh, I'm so glad that you pointed out how we women are just so pathetic and unhappy. Too bad you can't kill us all off and just have a Frat-Boy Man's World. Wouldn't that just be super?
You must be doing STELLER in the relationship arena...
I notice while women want to fight for their rights, they don't hesitate when it comes to men-bashing. Occasionally when I tune on women's talk shows or a movie on Lifetime, there always seems some men-bashing going on. No question women deserve to fight for their rights, but men should not be deprived of theirs, however.
Men may not express their emotions as openly as women, but they do have too, you know. Because we live in a society where men have to show strength, therefore, displaying your emotions publicly is not necessary a welcomed sight.
Too many times when there is a divorce, the outside world tends to assume it is the man's fault.
Why? Amongst other things, women tend to have a network of friends through which they disseminate their information so they can conveniently create that negative perception of their husbands before they finally hand in the divorce paper. The man is already convicted in the public opinion before he even has a chance to tell his side of the story.
In the town where I live, I see a lot of women, once they drop off the kids at the day care center, they head to the gym where they spend most of their day talking bout their husbands and working out to look "good", borderline anorexic. They don't even consider preparing a nice hot meal for the man.
No wonder men sometimes prefer to work late, and even succumb to temptations.
This article is incomplete. It elucidates the warning signs, but it picks up the trail way too late in the breakdown of a relationship to explain "why" it happens. Luckily, the comments to this blog post are filling in the blanks. "Why" husbands get dumped - and why marriages break down in general - is clearly visible in the comments posted to this blog.
This is a generation and a society built on the core tenet best summed up by Mr. Kerouac himself:
"It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!" I told him "Nothing in this lousy world is my fault, don’t you see that? I don’t want it to be and it can’t be and it won’t be."
As long as we hold strong to this ideal, marriages and relationships will always be a tragedy in waiting.
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