Frozen Out

The ice cream man in our neighborhood likes to fuck with our heads.

Even though it now gets dark by 6 p.m., and the chill in the air conjures cravings for hot chocolate rather than a chocolate éclair bar, he persists.

He always drives through the neighborhood right at dinner time, distracting the kids from their "wholesome" meals and sending them into a begging frenzy.

By the time they run out of their doors waving dollar bills -- HE GONE. That's right, he consistently turns on his kiddie Pied Piper music and then SPEEDS THROUGH OUR NEIGHBORHOOD WITHOUT STOPPING.

I actually tried to chase him down one evening this summer when my son wanted an ice cream. The ice cream man did not stop even though he could see me in the rear view mirror.

My two and a half year old son seems to take this in stride. When he hears the music he gets momentarily excited and says, "Ice cream man!" Then he runs to the window, sees the truck's tail lights getting smaller and says, "Ice cream man drove away."

To console him, we give him some ice cream from our freezer that costs less for an entire gallon than it would have for one of the truck's individually wrapped treats. So there, ice cream man. We don't need you. Ha!

Why does he do this? Maybe he hates kids. Maybe he cracked one day when a snot-nosed brat made him dig all the way down in his freezer for the last frost-bitten strawberry shortcake bar. Maybe he got a good deal on the truck, uses it as a regular car, and the music just happens to play whenever he puts his turn signal on. Could it be his personal stand against childhood obesity?

Come to think of it, perhaps we should base a public health program on our ice cream man's example. Nothing would make these chunky children shed pounds faster than a brisk after-dinner jog, followed by NO sugar and fat-laden treat. Builds character as it builds muscle.

I wanted to write about our elusive ice cream man all summer but could never run to get my camera fast enough to document his escape so you all wouldn't think I'm crazy. But I finally did it last night. I wondered whether he'd think it odd that I took his picture. Then I thought, nah, he was going so fast, he probably didn't see me.