Identity: Life's Superimposed Sex vs. Love Scale

If you think age and wisdom doesn't shift perception and priorities, think again.

I remember first hearing the following phrase when I was in my early twenties: "Women give sex to get love. Men give love to get sex." Back then I didn't agree or disagree with this concept. I think it registered more as a curiosity. Is this true? At that time when I gave sex or love I felt confused about too many other pending and prominent issues in my budding identity, to fully acknowledge or analyze the bargaining power inherent in that statement.

In my thirties, I thought women gave sex to get orgasms. I did. I was on a quest. Most of my friends were already married by that time, but I was NOT in a hurry to walk that path. What religion and society set up as the proper lifestyle, obedient commitment to one man, seemed unnatural and I was not willing to blindly sign on the dotted line and trust the "system" that was set up for me to follow. By that time I'd had enough sex that was stupid, enough sex that was unsatisfying, and enough sex that was superficial. I'd had one all-night glimpse of Tantric bliss when I was twenty-six and it ignited in me a fever for continued satiation as well as a fear of forever falling short of achieving that fantasy.

I'd hear womenfolk commenting that they just wanted to snuggle... they just wanted the connection, the closeness, the cooing and coiled effect when wrapped up in "his" arms. I'd hear some say they could take it or leave it. If they never had it again, that would be just fine with them. Huh? Seriously? How could they feel that shopping, children and lunching with other ladies would suffice, when after three weeks without a poke my body felt so on edge that my lower extremities were actually clawing up the wall, inch by inch behind me?

During most of my forties, I'd found a man who could deliver three hours of orgasm three or four times a month. He could even surrender into the afterglow and intermittently give me permission to luxuriously rest there as well. But the more he sexually pleased me, the more I wanted him emotionally and that, I found, was impossible. I had attained my decade long search for sexual satiation, but my heart was forever hurt, hungry, and unhappy regardless however my mind rationalized the reasons why it was okay for me to live this way.

For years imbibing a little nature and sipping a little nectar only enhanced those orgasms... Then I realized I was getting to the Promised Land but not remembering what I did when I got there. This disturbed me. I wanted to bring down to earth the gifts of heaven. I wanted to remember the directions on how I was getting there. I wanted to leave more than bread crumbs along the path that seemed to always blow away when intense winds swirled around our exalted bodies.

I was certain that what I felt at the top of the mountain, surveying the panorama of all I'd just climbed, was something that must be shared. What if Ansel Adams hadn't felt this way about nature? Would those of us afraid of big insects ever see that which took four days of camping to get to? This beauty, this powerful majestic feeling of health when unionizing my body mind and spirit had to be patented. Didn't it? Couldn't it? Wasn't this the proverbial hunt, to capture that which couldn't be captured and market it in a pretty package for the masses wishing and hoping to forever one day attain the impossible? (The pet rock of pleasure?)

How could I feel sex was this fabulous when other women could care less about it? Obviously they weren't seeing the vista my eyes saw, or feeling what I was allowing myself to feel.

In 2009, Oprah and Dr. Laura Berman handed out vibrators to teenage girls, instructing them that they own their pleasure. They weren't dependent on a boy/man to take them there, or because he could take her there, that he owned her or that feeling in her she liked so much. Nearing half a century myself, I marveled at the brilliance of this lesson, and the power it placed back into the hands of females that they own their own bodies. At a time when girls give blow jobs to win popularity contests in junior high school, it doesn't matter that their female ancestors had hard won the vote ninety years prior. When a girl/woman gives herself away unconsciously, she pays a price.

I am only now beginning to realize I own my body in every moment; with every break I take and every decision I make. Even if I don't personally have the focus necessary to have as many orgasms as I could with a certain individual, those orgasms are available in every minute, not only when with that certain individual. I can tell a doctor I won't endure a particularly painful, time and dollar wasting procedure. He MIGHT have med school on his side, but I have experience living within my own skin that a fifteen-minute office visit with this professional will never translate. I can decide whether an environment is supportive to my needs. If a restaurant is too loud, or a movie theater is too cold, I can walk out. It is up to me to take care of my needs, not acquiesce because it's socially acceptable or because that's what we women are taught to do.

That's why it became necessary to truly live within my own skin. To stop giving away my power to stop giving sex to get love or giving love to get sex. I've done both now.

When I met my latest lover, I thought he was the most handsome man I'd ever dated. Both of us were physically starving and our animal magnetism had us groping each other within moments upon impact. We literally and figuratively couldn't keep our hands off each other once we got the go ahead from others we trusted that the other was a "good person." Yet, from the very beginning I realized that even though we had the physical and emotional elements intertwined and growing in our connection, the intellectual and spiritual bond between us was missing. Incessant rationalizing began immediately... how can I live without what isn't present?

My engine of arousal wasn't easy to maintain without all cylinders present and functioning. Soon, I was pushing my body and ignoring my brain. Within four months, I had two bladder infections in a row after years of never having one. It was a dynamic lesson in the nuance of subtle self-abuse and ignorant soul neglect while wandering along the holistic and enlightened path to finding self and merging with The Other.

Just as a Geiger counter or metal detector has a specific purpose but might be used for other reasons, our body does more than carry our brains hither and yonder. It is a thermometer, which doesn't lie. Yet we must listen carefully to it, not poison it. We can't say yes when we want to say no. Repressing our needs, any of our needs, without conscious reckoning of such a behavior will also induce nasty side effects. I learned I must become evermore diligent and super conscious, which is not an easy task, but it can lessen one's health care costs.

We lose ourselves when we don't pay attention to ourselves. We do this to ourselves. We can blame another, but we created the situation either consciously or unconsciously, and acquiesced with permission or denial. We put ourselves in each position we find ourselves in. If we pay attention our intuition protects us. If we don't listen within, we can walk into traps on a daily basis.

The question becomes not if we give one thing to get another, but if we give enough to ourselves, to then have enough self, to give to another.

Next month I'll enter my fifth decade. I can't single-handed create "Camelot" if my daily scene is more "My Fair Lady." Finding one Camelot for all my different selves is very difficult... I am not an uncomplicated woman, but in my core I am really quite simple. My desire might be for one relationship that has all cylinders functioning and flowing together: physical, emotional, spiritual and intellectual. My needs are much more simple. To honestly present myself as I am, and to honor a person as they present themselves to be...

I've heard it is now documented that ladies far into their 70s, 80s and possibly even their 90s can have juicy thriving sex/love lives. I intend to be one of those women. I continue to nourish my centered solitude so if another isn't right, and their presence causes a separation or scrambling within me of my many selves, I'll be kind and graceful in response.

My safest bet when exploring where I stand on the Sex Love Continuum, is to make sure my intuition gets a daily tune-up and extra breath vitamins.

 

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Comments

[Lisa Solod Warren - Huffpost Blogger]

This is a wonderfully frank and honest essay. Thanks!

[SonofLiberty1]

Apart from all the baloney, I've learned a few things:

Both men and women want to be loved, each is a complement to the other, each brings something different to the table.

None of us are born knowing how to please each other it's something we have to learn.

Not everyone gets married and not everyone finds the love of his or her life.

Maybe it's time we teach everyone not to play games...

[anfractuous]

When they invent a vibrator that buys dinner - then I'll be worried.

[LifeChangeStartsNow]

Lisa, what wonderfully explicit post. I like you woman. Keep it up please!

A woman friend of mine had a similar infection. She was stunned and I told her why but she didn't buy it. Although she went into the relationship because "everyone" said they were well-suited. For myself, I've been in lust too many times to count. And I experienced the same infection once with a hunk I was in lust with when I wanted more but he didn't.

I'll admit too that I've gone for years without sex. Most men just are not worth my time. I am fabulous company on my own and with friends I choose. If a man cannot stimulate my mind, why would I want him for sex. I do have an index finger you know! Of course that was before the wonderful Dr Berman and her fabulous toys.

I'm 50 this year and I've never looked or felt better which has my "juices" flowing. No one could love and appreciate my more than I do now. I consider myself a very simple and straight-forward woman. I want a mate and with me it's all or nothing. No exceptions. And at the same time, I do not NEED anything from a man. This might sound complicated to a man though.

I advise a lot of young girls to take charge of their bodies and their sexuality, and they love Dr Berman's toys.

I look forward to reading more of your thoughts Lisa.

[Lisa Guest - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks for your enthusiasm.

I really don't know why this concept would be too complicated for a man... In that study a few months back men are happier now because they are not sole providers except in rare situations. To have an empowered woman, me thinks, would be empowering for a man. But that's for a man... and not a facade.

[h0tr0d]

Actually that study said men's happiness was constant....and women were dropping. That is for men....not facade's. Navel gazing is fun.

[gurukalehuru]

Speaking as a man, I'd say that's true. Can't speak for the ladies. Or, necessarily, for other men.

[singermuse]

Biologically speaking, YES. Women give sex to up their levels of a feel good hormone called (and forgive my lack of spelling) oxytocin. Men give emotional "strokes" so they can be stroked sexually. It's not a stronger drive in men, just a different one. Men approach emotions differently because the hormonal "soup" is different in their bodies, leaning toward aggression and a search for an outlet for it, where women's hormonal "soup" leans toward bonding,co­operation, and consensus. Hormones are a very powerful force in the world. The two drives, eating and mating are still in effect, as we have not yet found a way to turn them off. Turning off one would kill us (just ask any anorexic) and turning off the other makes the world an intolerable place and puts our survival as a species in danger. I read somewhere that men and women are naturally mutually antagonistic, and it's only the hormonal drives that get them together for mating, otherwise they'd probably not prefer each others company. But that is only looking at people from a biologic perspective. From a human view, we can all rise above our animal natures and find a commonality where we can cooperate, love, raise families, enjoy each other's company and make the world a better place...if we were to just GROW UP.

[Diana Bianchini - Huffpost Blogger]

Thanks Lisa. If more girls and women learned and completely processed their bodies as something they own and how powerful it is to know you own it, walk like you own it and live like you own it, the world would be different-in such a positive way I think. The candid share of your post is marvelous. I am with you sister, "My Fair Lady" or "Camelot" we all have different desires, wants and needs. We need to all own what they are and essentially "keep it real". DB

[Ladym2012]

Another excellent piece from you Lisa! You really nail the sex/love continuum quite well. I agree with one of your other commentators, that every young woman (and old) should read this. Taking ownership of our bodies is ESSENTIAL . Pushing your body and ignoring your brain to me is empty and superficial. Just as pushing your brain and ignoring your body is equally as empty. You having recently experienced the former, me having recently experienced the latter. It's time for all of us to balance out this equation. I also love, love, love the phrase "pet rock of pleasure." Had to laugh at that one. JUICY women unite!

[Lisa Guest - Huffpost Blogger]

Absolutely! I used to be so embarrassed... then when I realized that what caused me the most concern was exactly what the other couldn't get enough of... well, that started to change the equation. Thanks both of you for commenting! I forgot to say that we all have different selves within with different needs and the likelihood of one person complimenting all those different selves diminishes the more we develop within that which is uniquely us. But oh, what a union it is when two who deeply know themselves connect!

One more thing... the more a woman claims herself, every single part of herself, the more she has to give when she chooses to do so. That is something to be grateful for and celebrate.

[maori]

Sadly, I think there is one person who could compliment all my selves,but sometimes ships pass,c'est la vie...

[maori]

Maybe some of your confusion lies in thinking of sex as something given or gotten,rather than shared.

I think men and women are equal halves of the same force, and during sex,that force simply reconnects itself,
remembers its other parts.

Thank you,fun to read,and I agree about the celestial rapture,when it's right ;-)

[Pema]

loved your post...fav'd

[mydwyf]

Very good insight.
And what's with the 'handing out vibrators to teenage girls ?"
That is not doing young people any favors.
For me, there is absolutely no substitute for a phallus.
What man wants to compete with some mechanical toy that can keep going
until its batteries die ?

I would never want my brain to be conditioned to vibrator 'sex'.

[Suzie Heumann - Huffpost Blogger]

Thank you sister! Excellent!
Every woman and young girl should read this. Most of the world lives with a double standard of 'self-pleasuring is fine for boys but keep the girl's hands off of themselves". All this does is give women a distinct disadvantage to 'knowing' their own bodies and taking personal control of them. And recent studies show that this is true. A new research study shows that women generally have very low esteem for their own and other women's genitals. Yet the men in the study like the smell, taste, look and feel of women's genitals for the most part. So what gives? It's that we women aren't given permission to 'know our selves'. It sets us way back in development and increases the chances of us never coming out of it! Never claiming fully our birth right to pleasure and advocacy for ourselves. It's insidious.
We are each individually responsible for our own pleasure. It isn't your lover's responsibility it's yours. Learn how to claim it!